|Reviews for PERSONAL STATEMENTS|
| ihearmusic chapter 1 . 12/21/2009
There should be a comma after "knowledge" in the first paragraph. Otherwise, this was a great essay.
| Saurosuchus chapter 2 . 12/21/2009
"Through the combined use of the two I have been able to overcome many obstacles in my life."
I believe there should be a comma after the word 'two.'
"With my intelligence I was able to skip the first and third grade, thus having a head start as far as school."
Same here. Comma after 'intelligence.'
"I believed that it didn't matter how hard I tried my life would always be filled with disappointments."
This sentence just sounded a little off. Consider something like: "I believed that my life would always be filled with disappointments no matter how hard I tried."
"Towards the end of Junior year however, I decided that school was for me and that I deserved better."
You capitalized 'junior' here and no where else. I'm not exactly sure if it is supposed to be capitalized at all. But, you may want to look into it and then adjust accordingly.
"I decided that after dealing with all the misery and troubles in my past I deserved happiness in my life."
Comma after 'past.'
'When times got difficult I kept reminding myself that the greater the struggle, the greater the reward for it.'
Comma after 'difficult.'
'May 19th 2009 I became the youngest person in my family to graduate from high school.'
Comma after '19th' and '2009.' On a side-note, that is very applaud-worthy that you accomplish such.
'At my graduation party, a dear friend of mine told me, “chase your dreams, live your life, and be happy, no matter what obstacles stand in your way.”'
I believe that you should capitalize 'Chase.' You may want to check that on your own also though.
"I have many dreams to chase and my determination will be the fuel for the fire I need to burn a path to my dreams."
Comma before 'and'
"With hope and determination I can put my other abilities, such as my intelligence, to good use."
Comma after 'determination.'
Both essays were well written and meaningful. I hope my suggestions were of some help and not just annoying. I wish you the best of luck.
| Saurosuchus chapter 1 . 12/21/2009
It sounded pretty good to me. I'm afraid I've never written a college paper, but I hope my suggestions help some.
"Since I was a child I have wanted to teach people about what Islam really is because I've seen people misleading others because they twisted things around for their own personal gain."
I would get rid of one of the 'because's.' Repetitious words, and 'because' isn't the best word in my opinion, sometimes detract from the flow.
"I wish to use the knowledge I would gain to be a teacher myself."
I wasn't exactly sure for a moment where you meant you would gain this knowledge. That might just be my lack as a reader, but you may consider putting that you would gain this knowledge by attending the school (I assume that is what you meant).
"And being educated in my religion, I pray, would prevent me from making the same mistakes my parents made that lead to the marital issues between that later caused their divorce."
The latter part of the sentence kind of made me double-take. I think it was the double 'that.' Perhaps replace it with 'and'?
Also, the 'lead' should be 'led.'
I really admired your spirit and goals. Great job.