RG Depth Review 3

Dialogue-

There hasn't been much of it sense this chapter, and I think you handled it well. You kept the speakers anon. so that added a quality of fear of the unknown, though the reader can only feel that for themselves, and not through James since it lacks his involvement. So far, James has done nothing but scream, and I almost wish that during these past three chapters, I had seen more of his speech-these are the first characters to speak and I find it at least creative that they're not the ones that were introduced until now! I found "To do with whatever I desire" was worded a bit oddly, but upon reading it a second time it felt more comfortable.

Scene-

I think my favorite scene was the first one with Eve because the way you describe the dots of what I assume are snow was a really great moment of setting description. I could really picture what you were describing, especially with her staring out the window and the frame of that. Again, I still felt a distance, like there was more of a connection to the weather than Eve, but she definitley felt removed for a purpose, and I keep wondering where you'll take her!

Enjoyment-

I overall enjoyed the overall arcing idea of this story, I like the creativeness of bringing a whole setting to life, but I feel like I've heard this story so far. I was still waiting for a moment where it separated itself in the genre of dystopian sci-fi, but it didn't quite happen yet, it even seems like James has become sort of controlled experiment, as if Kide is just one big experimental society being forever watched like The Trueman Show movie. So I think it lacks a shock and awe, but the premise is for sure an intriguing one for me. As someone who has read a lot of dystopian fiction, this just missed a character punch for me. I really would look forward to seeing how you would develop this though, from here, with ending in the first dialogue since Ch. 2, and I think you've opened it up a bit more. Overall though, glad I picked this up tonight, it was a great read to read into for depth!

Spelling/Grammar-

As usual she could see none of their faces, just bodies pacing by...

-Style Edit: "pacing" seems like an odd word to use as a description, because it means one person walking back and forth, suggest "passing" instead

...his eyes towards the house that occupied Eve and her child.

-Style Edit: "...his eyes towards the house occupying Eve and her child."

He regarded with disdain the thought that she would be worried that James had not returned to her.

-Style Edit: could omit second "that"

As the man with the eyebrows faded from sight...

-Style Edit: omit "with the eyebrows"

He had not thought that this would occur again so soon...

-Style Edit: omit "that"

The people, for that is what they...

-Edit: slip into present tense from past, "is" should be "was"

RG Depth Review 2

Characters-

I'm catching an obvious dystopian feel with this setting and plot now, so it's only natural that the characters also fit into the genre well, which I think James does. So far, you haven't describe almost any of his thoughts to us-I mean, he's very flat, but you keep him that way on purpose, I think, you keep distancing us from him as the reader, and though, for instance, we feel that he wants to scream, you don't give us a concrete reason why because he doesn't know himself. You describe things around him more often than his own true emotions, and when you do describe said emotions, you don't give a reason as to why he's feeling them because it's sort of a mystery-he's the misfit, the Winston of 1984, the John the Savage of Brave New World, and the protag in Fahrenheit 451, so in that sense, you're really sticking to the genre here. But in the same sense I almost want you to surprise me more-James seems at the moment to be more of an archetype of all those mentioned above, than really his own independent self, and I'm looking for more of that dimension.

Pace-

The pace is admittedly slow. Because it's lacking in dialogue, I think it's being drug down a lot, and the heavy description can get a bit monotonous at times, especially without contractions being used. Due to the descriptions of the setting itself, like the weather, the way the fog accumulates, and Kide's repetitive alleys and streets, it also tends to slow down the action itself, like the pursuit of the man following James. I'm not sure if there's a way you can fix this, not that it's really a bad thing-more like an honest observation. Maybe adding more of an emotional intensity with James, less centered on the repetitive descriptions of Kide would work, but then, Kide itself is almost a character as well, so this is truly more of just an observation.

Relationships-

There's obviously here, a relationship with Kide and the townspeople, mainly here, James. I think it's cool that you've created such an in depth feeling towards the town, especially in the first part-it's very frightening, the descriptions of the black boxes flashing red and green, and it definitely added a huge aire of mystery surrounding the relationships between the workers themselves. Everyone is a droid, it seems, devoid of any personality, though they have names-James, and I assume more, so there's still that sense of individuality that intrigues me (unless all of them are named James), and I definitley want to know what's up with the last sentences when Kide acts almost like a jilted lover, and completely consumes James. That worked very well to create a huge jump of interest about the story and developing relations to Kide and the townspeople-you've given it a personified self, and I wonder if it indeed controls all that live there.

Spelling/Grammar-

The chair that James would have filled...

-Style Edit: could omit "that"

He looked up at the sky.

-Style Edit: could omit "up", implied

The man with the eyebrows watched silently...

-Style Edit: "with the eyebrows" is starting to sound mighty repetitive, by this point, I think the reader knows who you're talking about when you say "the man", because we know that James is James. So I think you can stop adding the "with the eyebrows", especially in this sentence because you started the last clause with that same phrase

The man with the eyebrows pushed away from the wall...

-Style Edit: omit "with the eyebrows"

...confident that he would now not be seen.

-Style Edit: can omit "that"

...even though the man with the eyebrows was...

-Style Edit: omit "with the eyebrows"

By the time the man with the eyebrows walked forwards again...

-Edit: "forwards" should be "forward"

-Style Edit: omit "with the eyebrows"

The town of Kide had swallowed James.

-Style Edit: could omit "had" to make the sentence bolder

RG Depth Review 1

Opening-

I feel like for the opening paragraph you went for something a little more experimental, but I'm not sure that I liked it because it just ended up feeling very redundant. Even though it did give us a clear picture of the repetition in James's life, I thought the way each sentence was ended in the same fashion seemed to create this sense of heavy rhythm in my reading. I kept thinking it as: "James left his house at the same time that he always DID, kissed his wife on the same cheek he always DID, and nodded stiffly to the child of a single year sitting in its mother's arms the same way he always DID. He pulled the door closed with the same bang he always USED, looked sharply around to see if anyone would challenge him like he always DID, and was greeted with the same disinterest he always WAS. ..." And by the time it got to the end of the paragraph I just was really feeling that heaviness on those verbs, when I thought maybe stronger verbs could have been used. It was a good Gertrude Stein repetitious sort of experiment but it didn't pan out for me like I hoped when all was said and done.

Setting-

My favorite line to describe Kide was "It *kept* you." that was wonderful and a very short line, because it really encompassed and described all that you had been building up with this chapter. I like the last part the best, because you finally started to sum up exactly what was going on with Kide, and that paragraph starting at 'James had no direction...' was just well done due to the way it described and summed the entire chapter. I liked the way the setting worked as almost another character, and the way you used it in the action, like the device of the alley and the pathways James walked on (implied not to be pavement) were really cool. It definitley has me wondering in what sense you'll be using this setting-right now it feels very antagonistic.

Writing Style-

I'm finding that you're not using contractions, and I'm not sure why not. It's natural to use them in speech, and why James's narration wouldn't use them is kind of confusing for me, since it's something so integrated. I wouldn't be afraid of using them, and it just seems a tad too formal for this type of narrative to not use them without reason, and it got pretty distracting and tiring to read-my eyes kept having to backtrack, and it seemed to mess for me, with the flow of your narrative style. A big improvement, I think, would just be relaxing the style a bit and start using those natural contractions to really tighten up the flow.

Spelling and Grammar-

It was something that he had never done before...

-Style Edit: can omit "that"

...something that was entirely different...

-Style Edit: can omit "that"

...out of the prison he called his house...

-Style Edit: chance "his house" to "home"

...but you just missed the downpour, and the only evidence any rain did fall are the same murky puddles of water floating on the street corners.

-Edit: switch from past tense to present tense. Change "are" to "were"

James had simply become tired of pretending he was happy.

-Style Edit: "James was simply tired of pretending he was happy."

Firstly, as you know, James got tired of pretending.

-Style Edit: this is totally up to the author, but I find this out of place for a third person narrative. Where as first person usually addresses the audience with "you", third person by principle never does, and sticks to "one", if you're addressing the audience so directly in third person, I'm seeing almost a slip into the first person there, and I'm not sure it works.

Thirdly, a new face appeared; something that had never been done before.

-Style Edit: new faces aren't really "done", are they? they more "happen" to appear. So I'd suggest changing to: "Thirdly, a new face appeared; something that never happened."

If talking to one's neighbours...

-See, this is the correct way to narrate in third person when addressing your audience, so I know that you know how to do it, that being said, now that you're mixing styles, I definitley think the one that was addressed as "you know" should be changed somehow, or just omitted, so the styles are consistent

You see, the streets could have once been like any normal street...

-Style Edit: this one can be easily fixed with: "One could see the streets were like any normal street..."

The man who stood on the street corner was staring at a single house...

-Style Edit: "The man who stood on the street corner [stared] at a single house..."

James was unaware that the man was watching as he demounted the pavement...

-Style Edit: the word "demounting" sounds odd here, just because I get what you mean, but then I also am thinking "what does a man look like mounted on pavement?" Maybe replace with "...as he approached the gravel roads that had not been walked on for as long as anyone could remember." and integrate the second sentence too.

James reached out in front of him...

-Style Edit: can omit "out" because it's implied

He blew out a breath ahead of himself, taking in the slight discolouration of the air as his breath pooled out of him in a great wave.

-Style Edit: can breath be blown behind oneself? Would edit: "He blew a breath, taking in the slight discolouration of the air as it pooled into a great wave."

He felt absolutely nothing at all.

-Style Edit: can omit "at all", these are usually filler words that a lot of authors use, such as "in fact" and "though" and "that", which most of the time don't contribute to the sentence, they just tend to fluff it up

...enough away from the danger he had to run from.

-Style Edit: "...enough away from the danger from which he had to run." Try not to end in prepositions, but this is more for formal paper writing than creative writing some times, so this one is totally up to your judgment for sure!

If you visited the house next door, or the house on the other side of town, you would find the same study...

-Style Edit: replace "you" with "one"

...and you would see that it had never had such ...

-Style Edit: omit "that"

But there didn't even remain a garden.

-A contraction! Yay! I must say though, it really sticks out when you do use it, since you don't use it often, so if you decide you don't want to use contractions and still keep it contraction-free, definitley make sure this one is edited to "do not" so it isn't inconsistent with the rest of the narration

...that the difference wasn't worth mentioning.

-Another contraction, could chance if you wanted to "was not"

...it hadn't just taken the man's soul...

-Contraction-it looks like you've sort of switched writing styles here towards the end, and become less formal, try to stay consistent in that sense, make a solid decision and stick to it

Now, all of the style edits mentioned are optional and just suggestions for your use, as far as legit spelling errors or grammar, there were very little, and I feel you overall did a good job in that respect.

I thought the introduction of the snow into this world was beautifully written; you described it in such a way as to make the snow seem like a gentle otherworldly entity. In addition, you really captured the eyebrow man's simple motion in this sentence: "The man raised his head, until it mirrored her image, gazing at the clouds that once again were motionless." That sentence is loaded with curiosity, and seems so innocent.

Woah, the ending of this fic has totally shifted it up a gear! I was wondering when the sci-fi aspect would kick in, but now I realise that Kide is just...an experiment? I like the shock factor here ~ it was really unexpected and felt like a jolt to the system.

Keep on writing!

~ Sakina x

The opening sentence was pretty powerful, and kept in with the single consciousness mentality from the last chapter, so great opening! The description of the actions taking place in the factory was chilling in its detachedness, and I loved the description and the concept of the machines with an unknown purpose, as it does open up more questions. So far, your descriptions of the town seems to raise more questions, which keeps the reader actively engaged, something that I liked.

In the second section, I liked the way you used the weather to amplify the tension, however you cold build up to the scream a little more by bringing the reader to the scream via more internal turmoil, as I felt a little distanced from the scene (unless that's what you intended).

Wow, loved the supernatural climax at the ending of this chapter, and the final line, because you carried through with the 'town is alive' idea, so that line had much more impact from the build up prior to this.

~ Sakina x

The opening here did the effect that I think you intended: informed us of the repetition and tediousness of James' life. I liked the way that he seemed to be just going through the motions like a robot, rather than actively participating in life. I also loved the descriptions in this chapter - they were so evocative, and you also focused on details rather than giving a general overview. And still the child has no name, which I find intriguing...

I have one nitpicky issue to raise here, which is that your sentence structures were all the same here, making the paragraph feel disjointed to read:

The streets were used for nothing but movement. There was no logic behind it. Nothing bad had ever happened on the streets of Kide. In fact, nothing had ever happened on the streets on Kide.

Finally, about the ending: not sure if this is the effect you were going for, but I get the feeling of a single consciousness from the town, and it is darn creepy!

~ Sakina x

I found the mysterious opening in italics to be a wonderful hook, especially with the sense of urgency conveyed through the use of the present tense. This contrasts greatly with the flashback, and if I assume that the person speaking in italics is the mother in the flashback, this raises more questions about what chain of events led to the present.

I also like the way you refer to the girl as 'the child' or 'it', as that alienates us from the girl and creates much more distance. This, along with the somewhat creepy description of Kide, seems to bring a sense of foreboding...

A few things I picked out:

The woman knew quite well the man would [give] no response, but still she tried.

"She had not yet passed the point of not bothering anymore." ~ Here, you repeat 'not' within the sentence, which reads a little clumsily as it drew my attention to the repetition. Same with the start of the next sentence, "she had".

The child, however, was young and vibrant, and understood nothing of not making an effort if no one [was] there to see it.

~ Sakina x

Congratulations on WCC!

Your opening was moving. You established a mood and then quickly broke it with a new mood that also gave characterization. We see a clear contrast from mother and child to the father, and it makes you feel for that child even more when you see how the parents are affected by this world.

I liked the comparison and contrast between the burned out log and the child in the first scene. It feels a little forced, but it definitely has an impact and shows the innocence of a child that doesn't know to dislike much yet. It seems strange to imagine a log thinking its burning is for the entertainment or pleasure of someone else, but it's a nice touch.

You used some very nice imagery in your writing. I particularly liked the tar metaphor describing the silence in the room. It doesn't get much more painted than that. And again, personifying the log was very interesting.

[Having not attempted the fact however] This is the only thing that really glared against the otherwise very nice writing. It reads awkwardly, but after a minute I understood what you meant.

The end was eerie to say the least. Definitely a Levitt town gone horribly wrong. Even though it drags after giving the same explanation of how everything is all the same despite looking different, it still gives a sense that there is more to the story, especially when coupled with the first scene of an innocent child born into this monstrous place. It gets the reader's attention to read on.

Nice opening chapter.

~karma-dollie

I really liked the mood in the first part. Reading it made me envision the factory and the workers, the dullness, everything. It's like what you described was all gray. The description were very... I would like to say 'vivid' but it's not the case, because there's nothing vivid in this part, but it's actually a great thing since you're describing such an horrible routine. What is really great is the way the individual is distinguished by not being here, while all the other workers represent a whole, somehow indissociable from one another.

[blinked harshly]

I don't get how it is possible.

[He could feel said slime sliding over his skin although, when he lifted his hands, he could see nothing.]

Nice! I liked this one.

[But James didn't struggle; he didn't fall to the ground and scream, fighting for his life.]

I don't understand why you would bother with developing what James doesn't do, especially as they're not actions we would expect from the mood you set in this story. If James had been the type to run away and fight desperately, yeah, why not? But he has been sorta passive in his revolt until now, so I don't think those precisions are necessary.

James kinda remind me of Orwell's Winston. I was always under the impression that Winston didn't actively participate in the events, even if his opinions made him go with the flow. James is not exactly like that, because he acts like someone with depression might in such a world as his, but he gives me the same feeling of passiveness.

Anyway, the end is just totally strange. The man with the eyebrows is creepy! (and I'm not fond of the describing-him-by-one-feature, but I shall overlook that.)

Congratulations on winning the WCC!

Writing – I found it quite interesting that you referred to the child as “it.” At first, I thought it was a mistake, but as I read more, I realized it was intentional. I find this rather intriguing, actually. It feels very impersonal and I have mixed feelings about that. I like that I feel a little conflicted about something so early on in the story. It certainly caught my attention and made me want to read more.

Character – I like how you described the man through his lack of interaction with the wife and child. I thought it was creative that you did so through another character’s perspective. It makes me wonder why he’s so disconnected from his family—is he doing something terribly important that he can’t draw his attention away from? Does he not love his wife like he used to? Again, you’ve done a wonderful job of pulling me into the story; especially so early on in it.

Enjoyment – I quite enjoyed this first chapter, I must say. Your word choice and sentence structures were wonderful to read, and this first chapter reads smoothly and seems quite refined. I thought you led us through this first scene at a perfect pace, with wonderful descriptions and a careful attention to the interactions. Because of this, I never found myself drifting—I was fully engrossed the entire way through.

Grammar

He seemed buried in the papers littering the surface; or maybe he was hiding in them, afraid that if he let the real world in it would either rip him from his work completely or push him further into the pit of despair that he had inhabited for so many years.

-Edit?: Should “further” be “farther”? I sometimes confuse myself with this one, so apologies if I’m wrong in this matter.

It showed the kind of childish innocence that so few children possess in today's world.

-Edit?: Hmm, not entirely sure, but it feels like you’ve switched tenses here, with the “possess” part. I feel as if it should be “possessed”.

But it had the kind of face which would look upon the world as a friend even at an older age.

-Edit?: “would look upon” reads oddly here, for some reason. I feel as though it should be “looked upon” instead.

Outside of the house that contained the family of three hung a winding street, leading upwards on both sides.

-Edit: Remove the comma from beside “street” and place it beside “three”, I think.

With this the people don't quite accept the way they live, but they do live

-Edit: Comma after “this”.

- Opening

I understand that every chapter has a definition at the top, and it does lend a good tone to each chapter, especially as your definitions are just a little off. By "a little off" I mean, not exactly what I would expect, but rather, inkeeping with the universe of the story. Good creepy feel. However, having both the definition and the flashback is a bit much, and I don't think the flashback lends much to the story. I think it would be better if you were to jump straight in.

- Ending

Very intriguing ending. The entire piece reminds me a lot of the scene on Camazotz in Madeleine L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time" - where everyone is conditioned by pain to do exactly the same actions at exactly the same time. I especially like your last sentence in this chapter.

- Scene

I'm intrigued by the dishes. Why are the kitchens unused? The scene of the wife going into the kitchen stood out in my mind's eye and made me intensely curious. The other scenes that stood out for me were the scenes that show us a little of what's going on - I realize that these scenes aren't in this chapter, but I wanted to say something about them anyway. I really can't see how this is going to unfold, which is good.

- Characters

It struck me that the mother's love of her child was out of sync with the rest of the piece. Her love seems too wild, too emotional, for such a regulated place. She even loves her husband. The scene that stood out especially was right at the beginning, where the wife tries to encourage her husband to watch the child. The wife shows that even though it's helpless, she tries anyway. Why isn't she an automaton? I know she actually is, but... it seems out of place.

Congrats on Winning the WCC!

I liked the opening statement: the word ’willingly’ totally made it for me, because it brings on the immediate thought of all the ways it might *unwillingly* stop, so it was a great hook. The statement about the nature of happiness was also intriguing, especially considering the nature of the situation in the first chapter, so put together were a great hook to reading on.

The first para, I think, on reflection, struck a nice balance between monotony and effectiveness. The repetition evokes well the monotony of his life, but arranging it in three pairs of threes brings a structure to it that manages to avoid it becoming too monotonous for the reader to engage with.

The ‘but’ opening the next para is an effective contrast, snapping the reader out of the previous built rhythm.

“Whatever the reason for never changing his stride, today he did.” This sentence didn’t flow quite as well as the others, for me. This could work to your advantage, because it’s heralding change, but it’s also a little distracting?

I like the way you use a distant tone to convey the atmosphere of Kide, for example: “. If talking to ones neighbours was to be done it could be done in one of the homes.” It’s rather impersonal and that for me really encapsulates the strange atmosphere of the town, so well done.

I did think that you could maybe further emphasise the contrast of the new person by contrasting not just his actions by the style of how he is presented. For e.g. using the passive voice here: “The man who stood on the street corner was staring at a single house, unmoving, and was hidden in the shadows.” keeps him at arms length just a little. Using an active voice, e.g. The man who stood on the street corner stared at a single house, unmoving. He hid in the shadows.” ” brings the action more directly into the readers consciousness, I think? And so really brings out that contrast, which helps balance the piece out.

The man with the eyebrows is mysterious, but at the same you give us these lovely little sneaks into his character. Things like the state of his eyebrows, and “The man with the eyebrows had no such following, stepping exactly where James had stepped, ridding himself of the problem of getting dirt on his dark trousers.” These are tasty little slips that help keep this character in the forefront of the readers mind and build a sense of him despite the mystery.

The character of Eve is beautifully portrayed. She’s such a warm and loving contrast to the bareen world outside, and yet you feel for her too because she’s obviously not unaffected by it, and seeks escape as well. Her relationship with her child is really touching and vividly contrasts her husband’s lack of feeling towards it.

“Maybe it was because he was always happy to get out of the prison he called his house, even though he was the jailer and was free to come and go at any time.” I like this concept, of his house being his prison in both senses, because it shows depth and texture to his character

“He could not keep up the sham of being unhappy to leave his prison any longer.” This confused me though. maybe it’s the double negative, but to me its no longer clear whether he is happy to escape or not. At the same time, things start to get repetitive in concept for me around here. It feels like we’ve gone over this area of him wondering why he’s changed his pattern a few times now, without really gaining new ground.

“He could give you a hundred reasons why he had chosen today, of all days, to end the lie; though this day was no different from any others:” this para comes across a little incongruously to me, I think because he starts out offering to give a hundred reasons as the topic sentence, but ends up giving none, and concentrating on why today was the same as every other day. I feel a little left-in-limbo by the topic sentence? I also felt the para being all one sentence was kinda long. I think you could possibly chop it up into a few more, e.g. starting with “It had the same overcast sky….” Etc or some such. The para had some lovely imagery in it, my favourite being “the dank feeling, the one you get just after a rain storm has been and gone, but you just missed the downpour” but I felt I couldn’t savour them properly in that sentence sentence and had to read it a few times to enjoy them properly. Highlighting them in shorter sentences would, I think, let the reader focus on them more effectively and enjoy them more.

“James had simply become tired of pretending he was happy.” I really like this sentence. It’s a good length, it’s succinct, it’s clear without being plain and out of sync with the rest of the text, and it explains a lot.

As in the previous chapter, there are some awesome descriptions here. My favourites being:

“as if the chocolate they represented had grown hard over the years, and smiling brought a new melted flow into her” I love that description, it perfectly encapsulates the properties of both solid and liquid states of chocolate, and hence, her character.

“the underbelly of the sink” loved this too, it’s also a perfect description and immediately evokes the right picture in my mind.

Spelling/Grammar was polished, with only a few things that I picked up on, e.g.:

“His eyes were a sharp blue, not near enough to be piecing,” piercing?

“something that had never been done before.” Had never happened before?

“If talking to ones neighbours” one’s

I think the pace in the first few para’s is effective for evoking the monotony of day to day life in Kide. I do think, however, that this pace continued for a little too long. I think the reader got that concept quite quickly because the text is so effective at present this, but then the text continues to emphasise the point as if the reader can’t be trusted to have understood, which was a little frustrating to me. I think the return of the repetition when we get to Eve’s POV could be really effective if there’d been more of a break from it before hand. However the balance of the husband, the eyebrow man, and Eve’s POV’s effectively balance the chapter.

The ending didn’t have a clear cut sense of finality to it, but I think this is nicely in keeping with the atmosphere of the piece. It didn’t give a sense of needing to turn the page and find out what was going to happen, but it’s open verdict keeps a sense of intrigue that keeps the reader interested. It could perhaps be made a little more gripping by changing the word ‘aimlessly’, because to me that took away from the idea of a definite plot, and instead conveyed the idea of two guys just wandering forevermore, as if this would now be the state of affairs in Kide. If you wanted to have more of a page turning ending, I’d steal a little from ch 3. Of where james stops and thinks perhaps he’s done the wrong thing, which leads in nicely to the scene change and descriptions of what the ‘right’ thing is, as the opening for ch 3.? Just an idea: the ending works perfectly well as is anyway.

In short: this chapter has an awesome brooding/ surreal sense to it, some great descriptions, and has added layers of characterisation that engages the reader effectively with the characters. It could perhaps be polished, in my view, in terms of the pace and repetitions. Congrats again on the WCC!

I like how James wants things to differ; whereas Eve prefers her routine. I actually felt really sad when Eve stood at the door waiting for her husband to come like. She doesn't even think about why he could be late.

The last part really gets the story going though!

Oh nice last line!

Now I get the title of the story too! Lots of angst with James going on, like that.

"Maybe it was because he was always happy to get out of the prison he called his house, even though he was the jailer and was free to come and go at any time."

Absolutely loved the metaphor, gives more depth to James.

Like how you changed POV...but starting every paragraph with 'Eve' makes it a little repetitive.

But a nice read!