You are probably the only person who actually gives explicit reasons of why Bella is a damsel or why vampires can't bla bla bla. It's interesting. I hate Twilight too, and while I'd tell you to be sensitive- I won't tell you to show sympathy, this is a rant of hate.

By the way, you're definition of Alice nailed it. Yes, she's very useful, but she's the stereotypical teenage girl and I hate it.

Good job. This really helps my thoughts regarding Twilight.

Ammmm...you actually made me laugh...its ok...anyone has an opinion...i think twilight is a cool romantic fantasy.
Any way..like the way you write this.

You made some good points in this essay, but I have to say that as it went on, it degenerated into a bit of a rant. There are some formatting errors, but I know it's because of the uploading function on FictionPress and not your own mistakes.

I agree with all of what you said, but I have to ask a question: are the things you said about Mormons really true? I'm just asking to make sure you don't offend any Mormons who do not agree with the beliefs you've listed.

Otherwise, nice Twilight-bashing piece! I'm with you :D

This. is. awesome. I agree with you on many of the mentioned points. I don't hate Twilight that much but the fangirls are really really really really annoying. Plus, the protagonist, Bella is a downright bitch and really very selfish. She is the one who I hate the most in the whole series and I feel nothing but pity for girls who say Bella is their role model and they want to be like her? I mean, really? Also, most of the Twihards love Twilight just because they think its characters are hot. Really frustrating.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I am practically in tears right now, I am laughing so hard.

I freaking love this review, it almost completely personified my thoughts about Twilight.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

lol "Victoria rapes Edward" i almost beleived you for a second. im still a twilight fan but i thought this was pretty funny and good.

Oh my GOD. OK... I love you. I don't care how creepy or stalkerish that sounds: I love you. Your writing, at least. This essay is HILARIOUS! I hate when Twilight-haters are like, "omygawd its (note the improper grammar) like a stupid * book about fairies and gay people and stuff." First of all, calling Twilight gay is extremely offensive. To homosexuals. It should NOT be used as an insult. Second of all, I COMPLETELY understand if you hate Twilight... but can't you give a reason? Nothing's more annoying than somebody who won't say why.

Now I'll confess that I don't have a huge problem with Twilgiht. OK- let me rephrase. I think that Twilight COULD have been good. I'm intrigued by the changes SM made to vampiric anatomy (apart from the spur-of-the-moment pregnancy stuff... that just sucked. Plain and simple). I think the burning and beauty and hard skin is kind of cool. Also, the sparkling... I wish people didn't use that as basically the biggest reason to laugh at Twilight. Yes, I'll admit it is a bit ridiculous... but since when is creativity a bad thing? It's one of the few-correction, the ONLY- original things the author put in this series. Just let it go.

So yeah, I think that written by a good author, Twilight could have been good. However, SM offered us a suckish cliche plot, no foreshadowing, terrible writing, hate-worthy Mary-Sue characters, and a protagonist with no soul who is the most whiny, annoying, selfish self-insert I've ever read. She's nothing more than a way for squealing teenagers to pretend they're the one making out with the hot vampire. I actually saw a site once where you can order a copy of Twilight and replace Bella's name with yours, all throughout the book. No joke.

That's how low humanity has sunk.

But I mean... it could have been good. It had so much potential. Why couldn't Meyer have made it creepy or dark or humorous or sarcastic or ANYTHING but the STUPID OVERUSED LOVE TRIANGLE? WHY?

I wish the Cullens had been people-eaters. I like my vampires evil, dammit! It adds to their intrigue! Stephenie, stop forcing your stupid moral beliefs up their *es!

Also... the books completely ruined brown hair and eyes for me now. Seriously. I'm an author over on , and you have NO IDEA how many times I've read a fanfiction where the Mary Suish character says something along the lines of, "I'm just plain(insert name) with boring brown hair and boring brown eyes." Ok... since when is brown such a boring color? And you know that sort of line means she's really beautiful and some 'gorgeous' guy is secretly in love with her. Of course.

Why do authors always try to live vicariously through their characters? It ruins the series. RUINS it.

So yeah... I hate Mary Sues. I hate Twilight... at least the way it turned out. I wish that in the actual books, Edward had left Bella. For Jacob.

Now THAT would have been funny. :)

I don't even like Twilight but this reads like the worst, most poorly-organized rant ever.

this awesome. thumbs up for eddy- kun LOOL.

You absoulute LEDGEND.

I totally agree.

I mean, Bella is the most useless piece of lettuce to ever have been imagined. And so whingey.

And you're right, our Eddie is a bit of a pedo. I had the same thought.

I admit, I did kind of get suckered into Twi Shite at first. Everyone does. There must be a reason.

I know for a fact it's not Eddie. Even when I liked the series, he made me cringe. Yeah, actually cringe at a book.

And on top of that, who names their kid Renesmee? What a stupid name. Of course she's going to get nicknamed after the Loch Ness Monster. Seriously, Bella, get a grip! Once you realise it's actually pure rubbish you're reading, it's not only boring, it's cringey.

I actually realised just how rubbish it was when I saw the first movie.

The acting was terrible. I know it's a bit mean of me to say, especially as i'm no actress myself, but really.

Kirstein Stewart (in my brother's words, not mine) is just a forehead.

He is not wrong.

Robert Pattinson makes me cringe. Like, full on toes curling.

And they weren't even going to let Taylor Lautner be in the second movie if he didn't get muscles (harsh, no?)

So yeah. And also. Why would you buy 'the short second life of Bree Tanner (which I wouldn't) when you could read it on the internet?

Wtf.

I couldn't agree more. I've written several hate Twilight poems as well. Once I got a death threat via PM. (I'm not dead so I figure that they are still looking through all the ppl who have ever read Twilight. (I expect to live a very long life in that case) Wonderful Rant and I feel the same way.

Your thoughts on Twilight basically mirror my own, though I will admit I could not bring myself to even touch the last two books of the series (though I am surprised you have, unless you get your information from other sources). However I did notice some of your arguments are invalid, due to a lack of vampiric understanding; I mean, vampiric lore varies across cultures and various *good* pieces of literatire (such as Bram Stoker's Dracula and Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles for example) yet they all contain similar elements, all of which Meyer ignores (sigh). But for the most part, all your complaints are warranted. Meyer's series is abysmal and as an English major I can't blame the guy who approved its publishing nearly enough _#

This was the most hilarious anti-Twilight rant I've ever read! I'm so glad that more people are starting to see the logical side of the world and hate that pitiful excuse for literature.

I whole-heartedly agree. Meyers' vampires are completely unrealistic, my biggest grievance being that they SPARKLE. I'm sorry, but what kind of vampire SPARKLES?

Thank you for writing this.

I agree with some points,but not with the Alice part.

I do agree Bella is whiny,but Alice is so lovable.

I used to really like Twilight until I saw how bad the movies are.I really hate Edward and wish he would just die.