|Reviews for Behind These Iron Bars|
| JWT chapter 1 . 6/25/2013
First, an apology: You reviewed one of my stories twice eons ago and I am sorry it has taken so long for me to return the review. I do believe in review swapping.
This is a very interesting first chapter. I am curious to see how the law is going to deal with a vampire, if the case is going to be treated differently to, say, a human who committed GBH. I like the mention of vampire rights - that adds realism, showing how the political world today might deal with a situation like this.
A few things jumped out at me as I was reading, so I shall go through them as I found them.
"The fluorescent lights were too bright; they hurt my eyes, and the courtroom was excruciatingly plain." - I'm not sure that the use of a semi-colon is correct here. By using it where you have, the two ideas of her eyes hurting and the courtroom being plain are linked. It sort of reads like the plainess of the decor is adding to the pain of the light, if you see what I mean.
"Perhaps they thought that people whose fate was to be locked in prison would be better behaved if their senses were first drained by spending extensive amounts of time in a color deprived court room." - I wanted to point out this line to you simply because it made me chuckle :)
"But the horrendous decorating skills of the county weren't the only problems with this stupid room." - This is a matter of taste and you might want to ignore me entirely, but I'm not sure the use of the word "but" at the beginning of this sentance quite fits. Technically "but"s shouldn't be used at the start of a sentance, but we all do it because it sounds good in the right places. However, because it is technically wrong it can sound a little off. Of course, where you use your "but"s is more of a writing style thing, so if it sounds right to you for the voice of your character, go for it.
"excruciatingly" - I noticed that you use this word twice quite close together. Be careful of over-using words. Unless it is a quirk of your character that she happens to like this word and that she does overuse it, you might want to swap one of them for something else.
"Well, we could all thank my dear Gramps for that, not the jail part though." - The second comma doesn't work. You could change it to a full stop, or reword this sentance entirely.
"was no sufficient evidence" - Just a little typo there: "not sufficient evidence". Or you might mean "no substantial evidence".
"the garlic industry was kicking" - Again, I bring your attention to a line that amused me.
"The court room doors creaked open, pulling me out of my silent reverie and in ambled the plaintiff and her lawyer." - You need a comma after "reverie" to close off the clause.
One more thing I noticed was that she had been kept in prison while awaiting trial. I don't know much about law, particularly the American system, but I think you can normally get out on bail if you are still awaiting trial. There may well be a reason why your character has not been let out, but I thought I'd mention it as it is important to get little details like this correct to add realism to the story.
Overall I enjoyed this first chapter and will be reading more to see where this goes. Happy writing!
| A.B.B.1 chapter 32 . 5/12/2013
Well first I feel like you should have way more Views AND REVIEWS, because this is what I call a well planned story! I swear it was awsome! Yes I got a HEART ATTACK WHEN I TOUGHT CHARLOTTE DIED! AS I TOLD YOU I WAS SERIOUSLY GOING TO START YELLING! I hope my review is not getting too long. What ever I don't care. Ether way I love how you didn't dragg the story on and on! I love Grady and Hate Calvin, ok not really! Ether way I'm defitnetly reading the sequel! Hope you don't hate my long review!
| AnDiScReAm chapter 32 . 6/29/2012
I love this story! It's freaking amazing! I'm definitely looking forward to a sequel. Please pm me when it comes out!
| Realmentealpedo chapter 32 . 5/2/2012
Oh, you ended it with an EPIC cliffhanger!I can't wait for the sequel!D.
| Sheaver chapter 30 . 4/12/2012
I actually read this in one sitting...! :D
| Realmentealpedo chapter 29 . 3/12/2012
All I have to say about Raphael is this "Yippee kai yay, motherf$ %r" XD.
For a moment I was scared that you had killed Charlotte but I knew that in the end you would come around and save her (although I would never hadguessed that Meg's husband was going to do that!). Now I'm afraid of what's going to happen to Meg haha. So, in Nitewrite8 we trust ).
| FamishedNight chapter 29 . 3/12/2012
Awesome chapter! Yay! shes back!
| FamishedNight chapter 28 . 3/4/2012
damn. shes dead... Awesome chapter! he finally died! Yay!
| FamishedNight chapter 27 . 2/22/2012
Damn i hope she kills him! Awesome chapter!
| Realmentealpedo chapter 27 . 2/22/2012
Oh, no!Cliffhanger!I can't wait for next chapter!(And you're welcome ;D ).
| Realmentealpedo chapter 25 . 2/11/2012
Like I said before, this chapter should be read while listening to songs like "Eye of the Tiger" and "You're the best around" (Yeah, Meg!D).
| teamastley101 chapter 25 . 2/11/2012
this is really good :)
| Realmentealpedo chapter 24 . 1/5/2012
Hey,new chapter, that's a nice surprise!). I'm going to get the 'Eye of the tiger' and 'You're the best around' so I can listen to them while I'm reading next chapter about Meg's training haha.
| Realmentealpedo chapter 23 . 12/20/2011
Great as always!D
| Realmentealpedo chapter 22 . 10/20/2011
Hey, you upload another chapter! Like I said before, it's a great story and I'm glad that you've decided to continue it.