|Reviews for Roll to Me|
| firefly114 chapter 3 . 1/21/2010
I thought Todd's reaction to the food was a little over-dramatized..a good actor like him would probably be able to hide his hunger, but for the purposes of your story, it works.
I'm adding this to my alerts! Update soon!
| firefly114 chapter 2 . 1/21/2010
Lena's hilarious! Another great chapter. I like how the chapter from the POV of the super-famous actor isn't too annoying and self-arrogant for the rest of us to read.
| firefly114 chapter 1 . 1/21/2010
I love Lena's voice! She's sarcastic and funny.
This was absolutely great-great writing, a good plot line, and it looks like it's going somewhere!
The only thing I noticed is that, from my experiences with famous people (and I've had some interesting ones...) most would MUCH prefer staying anonymous, even in annoying situations. That's just what I've experienced.
Great last line, by the way. Can't wait to read the rest!
| taerkitty chapter 3 . 1/10/2010
Regarding A/N, it's 'bear' with me - as in to 'bear a burden', not 'bare a secret' - it's no secret we writers get block. ;)
"I was cursing myself" - I think "I cursed myself" is stronger.
"Though rather inviting" is tell. Her 'voice', her 'mood' right now is 'why me? why this?' I think it would be much better if she was negative at first, then realized that the dinner was indeed rather inviting.
Decent opening paragraph. I like how you still try to put some 'punch' into the chapter, rather than just assume the reader is along for the ride, so this chapter just picks up where the last one left off.
"... and[,] after shooting her a grin back, I followed Todd" - See above about mood. I don't think she'd be grinning if she still felt she was here under duress. Also, missing comma, noted.
"I think there's some apple in the apple pie." Love it.
"You sure you ordered enough?" (To quote a Garfield televsion special): this relationship is off to a roaring stop.
Grease and hair - love the jousting.
"So it's understandable that you don't know what it is." Missed opportunity here - she could have said "I know it, I just didn't have access, because I was IN JAIL" or somesuch. Don't be in such a hurry to have her yield strikes to Todd.
Also, 'strike' may be a bad scoring allegory here. I'm not sure Down Under, but in the US, a 'strike' is a bad thing, and scored against a person. Therefore, when she zings him good, she wouldn't be charging a strike against herself. Perhaps tennis scoring might be better? One-love always sounds cattier.
"This is so god." I love how we're aware of Todd's longing, so she's tormenting him at every chance...
"My contracts over" - "My contracts' [are] over" or "My contract's over."
No reaction to him slamming the table from the other patrons or the waitress?
"That famous lesbian" omfg...
Emma in ... space? Omfg2.
"a tall, long legged, blonde had approached our table." Lose the passive voice. "Blonde approached our table." No "had", please.
"She’s a bit, you know, simple," Lena stood for this? I don't think so. Remember, she doesn't know his deal. For all she knows, this is Todd trying to 'apologize' with breakfast, and nothing more.
Lena doesn't strike me as the sort to take being called 'simple', especially w/o understanding the machinations behind the setup, and leave it lie.
Oh, she didn't! Good for her!
Okay, that's a good point to end the chapter. We get what we expected - Todd's smugness, Lena's fire, but a little more background for both. I say you should modulate Lena's annoyance when the chapter starts - she starts with 'this place sucks. todd sucks. todd suggested this, so this place sucks.'
Then she sees the menu and thinks, 'this isn't so bad after all.'
She has a glimpse of sympathy for Todd's diet, then...
Juliette joins and things go back to their bumpy state.
Anyhow, great chapter.
| Buddie24688 chapter 3 . 1/8/2010
I love Lena's last line, "It isn't my fault. I'm simple." ! GENUIS! :D
| Ubergirl chapter 3 . 1/8/2010
:O Oh my, Todd sounds like an asshole. Keep the chapters coming!
BTW, would she really be able to tell his ethnicity from one look? I mean, being mixed myself, most people can throw out singular guesses at random but it's never exactly: "She/He looks half-this and half-that."
Sorry if I'm being picky. , Either way, great story! :)
| bumbleB825 chapter 3 . 1/7/2010
haha wow that was funny
and absoulutely great
keep it up:)
| Krush32 chapter 2 . 12/31/2009
I read this today and i like it. Keep up the good work.
| Buddie24688 chapter 2 . 12/31/2009
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
| taerkitty chapter 2 . 12/31/2009
Good to clearly state it's Todd's perspective.
"My agent, Greg mused." I'd drop the 'Greg' entirely. We see that next sentence. If we have to keep the 'Greg' here, then we need to close the subordinate clause (it's a single word, but still a clause) with another comma.
"Greg, along with a police chief inspector accompanied..." Same as before. 'Along with a police chief inspector' needs a comma to close the clause. Also, is there a rank such as 'police chief inspector'?
"It's men like him who give normal men like me a bad name." I like the line. I may not necessarily like Todd, but I like the line.
"paparazzi don't readily take the celebrities side." Need an apostrophe after 'celebrities' to make it a possessive form.
"Too much Fame Too Soon. Actor turned asshole." This is a matter of consistency. Yes, titles / headlines do capitalize all significant words. It's up to you if or not to do that, but 'much', 'turned', and 'asshole' should all be capitalized if you are, or 'fame', 'too', and 'soon' should be lowercased.
Oh, I love how he talked himself into his own doom!
'Civilian' doesn't work here. 'One of them' might work better.
"I stole her park." Unsure if that's an idiom local to the author. I'm not familiar with it, so it's "I stole her parking spot."
I love the interaction with the police inspector (need to lose the 'chief', above, then.)
Oh, the enunciation and the miming. This is going to go over well...
Oh, this may be Oz slang. Okay. Unsure how cops do it there, but in the US, you're relieved of your belt, shoelaces and anything else you can easily kill yourself with, so she'd not have her purse with her.
"Go on, chase after her." The fact he's such a jerk makes this delicious!
Ending is a missed opportunity for Todd to get in another one-liner.
Chapter reads well, fits with previous chapter. Characters develop nicely. It's 'light' - we don't get to see very deeply into the characters: no histories, no deep thought. That's fine, it's in keeping with the previous chapter. However, this means characterization has to come from dialog and actions, rather than monologues.
Many funny moments. Looking forward to the next chapter.
| Bumbleb825 chapter 2 . 12/30/2009
Haha wow I love it
it's just too cute and funny lol
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
I must compliment you on a very smooth reading. The monologue was completely believable, and the situation seemed natural, unstaged or forced. The chapter break was very well done, at a natural 'scene break,' humourous, and leaving the reader curious what happens next.
If I had to find a point to improve upon, I'd suggest capitalising 'Dump on Lena Day', and drop off her last name. However, let me re-iterate that I bring this up only because I am (perhaps mistakenly) under the impression that a good review always gives the author some advice on improving. If this is the only point I can find, you're doing very well.
I've added this to my Story Alert list.
| ranDUMM chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
! OMG I love it :D I can't wait until this is updated :D:D:D yay great story :)
| Buddie24688 chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
Hey, cool story!
| Koi19 chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
Hell hath no fury like that of a women scorned. Guess Todd figured tat out the hard way.
I like Lena; she's strong and pissed off and not afraid to drive her car into a motorcycle. She's my new role model!