|Reviews for in each streetcornered bard|
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 4/1/2011
although the lines were only there to get teh spcing, they reminded me of teh thingy notes are written on... stave? a voice from tback offers. that there were three then four then five sort of dissed that though. but maybe an idea for another FP venture that makes uise of FP silly foramtting.
so, i really liked teh first line, teh juxtaposition of corner bars and streetcorner buskers, teh inside/ outsideness of it.
teh next 'barred' highlighted that, and teh underscores started to remind me of prison bars, haha.
it fet a bit unfinished though, like you'd raised an issue without saying anything particular on it? maybe i missed it. like you have, to sit beside it isn't enough (why is comma over there?), so then i'm waiting for what is teh necessary addition to siting beside it, and i'm not seeing that. like i'd guess dance, from the next line (i like the rythm of that spacing by teh way, although if you had it as its own line then i think it would flow better onto teh next stanza, e.g. without music: each tsring each key may someday (never) come or be pased by?), but then there isn't a dancelike quality afterwards? instead its kinda... thumpy. lol, i don't how how to describe it, but it doesn't evoke dance for me.
but i did like teh idea of music unborn or unheard, lovely. i don't think you need teh paranthesis around never though, at least, they don't add anything for me. :)
lovely wordplay and rhytms here!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 10/3/2010
to sit beside_
-Edit: I don't know why the lines are here in this particular two places because FP does allow you to just press enter and have two separate lines:
to sit beside
Unless it was just to keep everything uniform. In fact, a lot of the lines don't even need the spacing format you've used, only five lines do, and I'm not 100% positive why you have them for every line just because if FP did allow you to use correct spacing, you wouldn't have any sort of format line there. I think I'd like to see the poem without the unnecessary format spacing for some of the lines, just to see what that would look like.
I like how you spaced out the first line with "bard" a lot, and there were no problems there, it reminded me a lot of e.e. cumming's "in Just-" because of the musical quality of it, but then I don't really hear anything like "far and wee"-there images of the music but I don't ever *hear* it, and my least favorite spacing was with the comma. I like the "bard" spacing, but as a whole, the "d" and the comma don't fit with the rest of your spacing themes. "barred", "without music" and "(never)" are all negative-esque words, but the comma and the "d" aren't negative at all, so I'm a little confused why you decided to space those off as a whole. Individually they sound well, however, and if anything I'd like to see this poem read aloud.
I don't like the last line as much as I could have, just because it ends sort of weakly, "or be passed by" isn't as strong as a phrase as I would have wished and I think only because it ends in "by", instead of "passed" or something-the verb isn't entirely solid, and I'm not sure if I can suggest an alternative. Up to that point everything is very solid verb-wise "come" may" "dance" "sit" etc. and then just "or be passed by" didn't do it for me. But I liked the last stanza because I could really find a good rhythm with "each string / each key / may someday" that all fit quite well.
Overall I like the experimentation you've done with this, but I feel it's missing something, that quality of music itself and playing with noise, instead of just describing things that are a symptom of music "dance", and things that create music, "string" and "key".
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
The overwhelming things that's biting at me now is the underscores. They make the poem look messy and cluttered, and make it hard to follow the lines.
"there is a sense symphony of sound and sense" - The repetition of the word 'sense' made this line, which is the only whole one, sound clumsy.
Sorry for the negative review, but I really didn't like the underscores.
| Isca chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
While the musical lines sometimes made the FLOW of the poem chunky and disconnected, you made up for it with the IMAGE of "each string, each key, may someday come or be passed by." The musical lines separated this idea quite well" in life, one either 'gets played' or 'does the playing.'
TONE: I like the angsty tone of the simile "like a dance without music" because it reminds me of star-crossed lovers and someone stuck in their memories. My favourite line is "to sit beside it" for its philosophical tone and its profound nature.
WORDPLAY: I like the separation of the word "bard" in the first line to "bar_d." By allowing the reader to read that line both as "street-corner bar" and "street-corner bard," the poem becomes very versatile in its meaning and setting. I like the alliteration in the second line,
"symphony of sound and sense," because it gave the opening a very soft/gentle tone.
FORM: I like the format of this poem-it's extremely unique. At first, I must admit, I was wary of it, but after reading the poem in its entirety, I like the musical staff notion mixed with English orthography-it gives the poem an angsty, yet classical feel.
[The Review Game - Poems - Depth]
| bluewitness chapter 1 . 1/2/2010
Barred without music.
| Negasi chapter 1 . 1/1/2010
This one is a little harder to decipher. I don't know if this is the meaning you are trying to poetry but I'm seeing something to the effect of music will always be around and we will always need it?