|Reviews for Breaking|
| AppleCrumble chapter 1 . 4/6/2012
This is so good. I really loved it. It was written in a way that the emotions bled through the words. Its got a great flow and its amazing! but you know that already :-D
| darkershadeofpale chapter 1 . 6/12/2011
Why is it, that I can just pick a poem at random (of yours), and then proceed to be impressed by it?
This, by the way, is lovely. Well. Painful. In a lovely sort of way.
(I have to say, I'm not good at all with the technicalities of poetry, I write with feelings, not with grammar. Which is a fault of mine, let me tell you) Anyways.
I think, something that really stood out here, was how the speaker left off referring directly to himself right until the very last line. He's always talking about the person who left - and there's this tangible sense of loss, and of ... derailment, almost. Like he doesn't know what to do with himself (I get the impression that the speaker is male, and he's speaking to a woman. Though that may just be me), and it's slowly eating away at him.
The flow here is great, I think, but it's great in a disjointed sort of jerky way, and it just makes me think of this poor guy, reaching out for something that isn't there anymore, which is etched out in your first two lines really, really well.
"I haven't cleaned up anything
that was yours."
Seriously, if there was any more heartbreak in there, something drastic would happen. My favourite line. It's like, yes, she's gone, but he can't bear to let go of her, and then this reinforces itself in a kind of self-reflective way, when he talks - well, mutters, actually - about the letters and her being right about him not being able to keep his room clean. Like the resurfacing of an old wound, and just wow.
There's a whole story in there someplace, and I love how you're able to articulate it without overstating it.
The last two lines make me want to cry for this guy.
As far as actually analysing the content of your poem, I'm afraid I won't be too much help. All I know is that I like the steadiness of the proper sentences and how it kind of seems to get looser as the poem progresses. Sort of.
In any case, I thought this was beautiful, and I hope that this was helpful, if not really all that constructive.
. darker shade of pale
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 10/3/2010
All this breaking-
-Edit: should use an EM dash here
I haven't cleaned up anything...
-Style Edit: could omit "up"
I guess you were right, I don't keep things very tidy in my room;
Letters, letters, letters, ...
-Edit: "Letters" needs to be un-capitalized because you decided to use a semicolon after "room", and I noticed you've been following proper punctuation. So unless you want to change the semicolon to a period, which would be alright because I'm not sure a semicolon works there for me anyway, then you could keep the capitalization.
A big strength here that I didn't get completely in the last poems was the description and sense of place here. I see the room, even metaphorically as a heart, better than I saw the night or the street bard. I think my favorite word choice was right off the bat with "dusty", but one that didn't work at all for me was "frisbee-plates" because the word "firsbee" doesn't have negative connotations. Frisbee is really fun, it's something you do for fun in the park, and trying to use it in a negative sense just didn't work for me. I would suggest using maybe something else to describe it, or even the word frisbee, like "flight wheel" or something, haha.
I like the repetition of "letters" because it even goes beyond that in the sense that letters are also used for words, and words are used to hurt, that kind of thing. I much like that interpretation better than just "letters" in the sense of thing that are written and sent.
Overall, despite the over-tired meaning of break-up in poetry, you did a good job creating a setting. I would have liked to have seen a better flourish of word choice for some of it, but the dimension of the word "letters" is what really won me here, even if it wasn't entirely meant to be interpreted that way.
| darkspear1 chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
Excellent job conveying emotions here. I do feel like the concept is left a little hanging in the wind though. I mean if I hadn't read your summary it wouldn't have been clear that you were talking about two people breaking up. Still that aside i think this flows well and it does have meaning
| Moon Ribbons chapter 1 . 2/19/2010
This is really amazing. Your poems all have such a great flow to them.
| mmmbopjonasgirl chapter 1 . 2/17/2010
Aw, that's sad. *tear*
| DefineBeauty chapter 1 . 1/21/2010
i like this one. even though it's your normal everyday angst poem, it's got a different feel to it. like it feels numb instead of angry or depressed. like this girl (or guy even) has self-conciously decided to numb themself to the pain instead of accepting it in any way.
i think however, that you should add some more imagery to this piece. i loved the first line, with the dust and all, and the shards was pretty cool too, but i think it would benefit from more of that.
"Letters, letters, letters,
and a promise
I ripped up."
probably my favorite line ]
| bluewitness chapter 1 . 1/2/2010
"That door of ours you slammed on your way out."
Doors you opened together...now closed. Everything is breaking- the plates, your doors, the ripped letters, the broken promise.
And then the one question that rests among ashes. Why not you.