|Reviews for Could you compare me to a summer day?|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 10/29/2010
Ah, so I had to sort of treat this as a parody poem, since your starting with the subject of Shakespeare's "Shall I Compare Thee..." and...hmm...I didn't exactly agree with the line "I'd love to be the subject of that poem" just because the woman in that poem is so unfortunate looking, XD, but at the same time, at least she's loved, right?
Must point this out:
See, all that Bill's girl did was flirt and wink
and learn to keep a proper house and home
And wash the dishes in the kitchen sink.
I'm pretty sure that Bill's wife had servants. I'm 100% positive he was part of the upper middle class that just arrived circa 1590s, (In Shakespeare class right now). Also, he was married, of course, to a woman in Stratford Upon Avon, but he left her and his 2 kids to hit the road to London and be a writer. So again, historically "Shall I Compare Thee..." isn't actually said to really be about a woman who existed at all, because he's doing a parody of the traditional sonnet that praises a woman's beauty. In his poem he says, "Eh, she's really kind of ugly and everything, but I love her for that." And...ugh...that all just sounded really stupid, didn't it? I'm so sorry, I can't help myself from over-analyzing I think because of this damn Bill Shake course :/ I will shut up. Just kind of ignore that-because at the same time, of course your speaker might not know all those things and have a knowledge of Shake like that, so it's perfectly fine she pictures his wife doing dishes.
As far as rhyme and meter I think you've done a good job, I didn't sit down and mark all the stresses and unstresses but it sounds good for meter to me anyway. I'm glad you went with the couplet at the end instead of a scheme that doesn't have it, and that also strikes true with using the traditional English sonnet ending on "gg". At the same time, one thing I did feel like the poem lacked was a turn. I didn't feel that there, I felt it was pretty melancholy throughout, and where your turn is supposed on "I try harder than that girl ever did" I just didn't think it leaped out in a "turn" sense. But it did leap out in coinciding with the above line, so I do feel there was conscious placement there using it as a turn line, I don't feel like it was answering any questions or taking a shift in the first two quatrains. Out of all your end rhymes I thought "poem" "home" was an interesting choice, it's sorta slant rhyme, yeah? It kinda made me stop a moment and say, oh so he wants "ho-em"-maybe you want to dash it like that to make it more obvious.
The subject matter was creative because you took a sonnet, which is a poem form that usually seeks to compliment women, yadda yadda, and then you turned it around just as Shakespeare did with "Shall I Compare Thee..." it's almost meta-poem like because you take it that next parody level just like Bill Shake did ;) I sensed the speaker of the poem was a woman, of course, and then it's awesome because the sonnet is still focusing on a woman subject. This really reminds me of the song "Boyfriend" by Best Coast, but a little less upbeat because of the very morbid tone at the end and the arcing foreshadow of death and perhaps suicide. It's very dark, in that way, but all in all a very successful outcome, I think. This is the first of your sonnets I've come across and I hope to see more! No one ever attempts them anymore! XD
| deefective chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
Very interesting. There's this undertone of tension and jealousy that reverberates throughout this piece and I like it. It's interesting because you're a guy and that's the way you chose to narrate it yet it has a hint of that catiness all too common to women. I see an imagine in my head of someone saying "Why her? She's not so special. I'm better" and normally you'd think it was a female but I like the spin here because it's a male. And that is some thought provoking and slightly amusing stuff. As for the actual poem, I liked the rhyming all the way until:
"When my life is finished they'll cap the lid."
Other than that line I really loved how everything just flowed together. I avoid traditional rhyming poetry just because I find a lot of it is so intent on trying to rhyme that the actual content of the piece becomes compromised to fit the rhyme scheme. But I didn't get any of that from this piece. I'm really impressed you managed to make it sound so natural and make it work. I especially liked the imperfect rhyme of "poem" and "home" just because I wasn't expecting it at all so that's a nice surprise. As for that line I mentioned above, that was the only line that felt forced. I felt like you were just trying to find a word to rhyme with "did" and make it fit into your sentence, which is such a shame because it was the only line like that.
The ending lines had this sad quality that I loved just because they're really relatable. I think every single person who has ever lived has had this sort of thought at one point or another and in some way or another. Everyone wants to matter, everyone wants to be remembered. I'm glad you broadened the scope in the end because it really brings the whole piece home. Very nice ending. Nicely done.
| dancinginthedark18 chapter 1 . 6/27/2010
ja! i love this! ever read mafalda? look it up, i think you'd like it. you reviewed one of my stories. thank you! i really like constructive crticisism, even when it hurts my ego. you seem like the kind of guy who doesn't read the shit i write in english, because, to be honest, it's really sappy "romantic" stuff. don't get me wrong, i love writing it, but it really doesn't compare to my other work. do you speak spanish?Anyway, i read some of your other poems and i have to say you really are good. i'm really young and just starting, but i have read what you suggested. i am not an idiot, i just can't write really deep shit in english, don't know why. unlike you, wow! so thanks for the review, i'll fix the paragraph thing first. keep on reviewing like you do, don't give a shit if you hurt anyone, some people need a wake up call.
-dancing in the dark
| Moon Ribbons chapter 1 . 2/19/2010
| bluewitness chapter 1 . 1/2/2010
Ah, but you do not compare at all to a summer's day. You likely would have stumped Shakespeare if you were his paramour. :)
| believe in her chapter 1 . 1/1/2010
the vulgarity cheapens it a little,
but I love the last two lines.
| Leviticus II chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
Nice poem. I didn't appreciate the swearing, and it COULD have been avoided, but thank you anyway.