|Reviews for The Solitude of Remorse|
| Gladiator Beast MCK chapter 4 . 2/28/2010
I already like where this is going. Keep up the good work.
| BKE chapter 2 . 2/28/2010
I say hello to you. My penname is BKE and I also hail from the Haruhi Suzumiya fandom. I'm leaving an unsigned review cause I have no account with fictionpress. Misaki pushed me enough, and I had read it halfway once, so I figure with a second readthrough, I should leave a constructive review.
I'm going to concede that you're doing what you enjoy and that you have reasonable command of english for a nonnative speaker, but I will have to point out a number of primary issues...
The first is the interactions of your characters do not feel natural to the circumstances. A large percentage of dialogue is vulgar in a way that alienates readers. Another issue is the way dialogue moves from person to person. An example...
For some reason, my heart begins to beat faster. I begin sweating uncontrollably, and my vision becomes blurry. I am unable to utter a single word upon realizing who the person before me was.
"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." The blue-eyed man says in a sour tone. "You should show a little more respect to women, their lives are much more difficult compared to ours. They do our dishes, make our sandwiches, and carry our children~"
This specific passage has an issue with word choice. Just as well, you could shorten it a bit, like this:
My heart started to race. I sweat uncontrollably and my vision blurs. I realize who this man is before me and I am unable to speak.
"Heh..." The blue-eyed man says in a bold tone. "You should show a little more respect to women, their lives are much more difficult compared to ours. They keep our houses, fill our stomachs, and bear our children~"
now I only changed a few words and removed a few other things. However, I managed to change the tone to a more refined state. You will notice across the entirety of your text, there are other spots where if better words are put, you will have a far more natural prose.
Plot: I have no issues with using concepts like magic or anything of that sort, but your approach can be considered too amateurish. To take each piece apart-
Setting: You chose to start it off in an interesting place, but I would wonder if by choosing such an obvious place of grandeur, you're sending off the message that this story must essentially be something that regards subtlety as lower than the ability to get attention. It would have been in your benefit to have set this in a less well-known and more mysterious location, like a castle in europe, or even of all things the ruins of machu picchu. To have the enviroment come across more would be in your benefit.
Characters: Your characters are the one thing where it is the real issue, and this is where I will bring up the dialogue part once more. Firstly, the character of Adrianne Knightstein. That name is not quite right for a character from england. Firstly, the name Adrian is a proper male name. Adrianne is of course a girls name, nothing new there. I will say that when you think of last names, you should think about the background of this family. -Stein is a common name to jews, and Knight is an uncommon name, but still pretty usual. For a british family, I would take the translation of stein to stone and try the name Knightstone. That starts to feel more appropriate to the nationality of the character. The side characters also are bad in the way that they interact with each other. Real soldiers are not like this, they should come off as more hardened. Real mercenaries as they exist are usually exceptional professionals, with years or decades of training and experience, while the ones you depict come off as very green. This part requires the maturing of those background characters.
Conflict: I don't know enough at this point to make a certain estimation of the current set of groups fighting, but I will make the observation that these groups do not seem to be fighting over things of obvious meaning. I get the implication that theres a reason to defend the ruins at Giza, but that theres little proper indication of the goal here. I would look to making the plot on this end more specific and clear.
POV: To have written this in the first person, its usually harder to do well than in the 3rd. We see from the eyes of only one character whose opinion colors this in a way that may be considered to the the weakest point. A man as important as this should feel important in the way he speaks and thinks. This problem crosses over with the prose in that he should really act far older than he does. Reserved is the word I would use.
Theme: I get the impression this was meant to be a very serious story, but once again, the prose holds it back. To achieve the tone and feel of a more serious narrative, I would suggest thinking about the things I wrote in the other paragraphs.
Another thing is the principle motivations of the characters. Yes, they are defending something important, but theres not enough knowledge presented to the reader as to whats going on. Even some lampshading would give us the impression that something far larger is happening. To fix this, the first thing is to make more nods to your primary story. I am aware that there is a main novel project you're working on and that this is the result of a crossover. I want more clues as to whats happening so that I can see the story unfold more. To do that, I guess I do have to read the next two portions of this, but I want to make sure that all elements get opened.
Action: Now heres what I do like, you have decisiveness here. You don't get too bogged down in extraneous language. Of course, I do get an impression of the sort that this feels more like a script, but that may be from the intention behind this as being for a VN or game, which then its fine. A little thing that does come off as too odd and ridiculous is the talk of Levels and how they seem to mangle the text in the end. I would try to remove them and see what results from that.
Other things: I do like how you manage to have the main character be in his role the whole time, even if he is not speaking in a way that fits it. Your character Adrianne is also cocky in a way that I do like, simply cause I have a soft spot for that sort of thing. And the way you end it leaves us with the effect of a proper ending, an emotion of sadness, and the need to find out more of the plot. You achieved what you wanted with that.
In summary, I can see this as a rough draft of what may be a future chapter thats far stronger. An eventual rewrite is in order for this and to do that will give you a good stake in your fortunes with it. I hope to see how this expands to its finish, cause I see theres room to grow. Thats all, thanks for reading this.
| Nederbird chapter 4 . 1/6/2010
Now that's a definite change of pace! From going to writing a couple of action packed and quite bloody prologues, you continue with a much more lighthearted story about an aristocrat in highschool.
And Bravo! You succeed with it pretty well! I didn't think this story was going to be a humourous one, but fortunately I was wrong.
The characterizations are again of a high degree of quality and your use of little background elements to indirectly give a description of the characters is marvelous, as exemplified by the etiquette class and those thoughts of what's ladylike and not: it instantly made me recognize her as a member of the upper class. Though she seems a bit rebellious in nature too, a bit of the more freedom loving type, which gives the feel that she's discontent about it, though that doesn't hinder her from enjoying life in general. She's a little humble too, I kinda like her.
Adrienne is also cast in an entirely different light than he was in the prologue, seeming to be the easygoing kind of guy, and I love how you made them childhood friends simply because you succeed so well in portraying themselves as such. Simply brilliant! And he seems to have a sense of humour too. I'm only wondering what it's like when he interacts with other people, 'cause he seems like such an awesome guy to be with, like somebody you'd want to be your friend. This clear contrast between his proffessional life and his everyday one is something I must praise you for, I just love multifaceted characters!
I take it this was kind of an introduction to the characters, which was done pretty smoothly. I guess that the Knightstein's acceptance of the Hayashibara as their own kin will equally serve as device to reveal more about the Knightsteins themselves, since it would seem pretty odd for a character to otherwise glean all that interesting info and family history from them. If that's your intention, then I can easily say good idea!
Hmm... it feels as I've got something more to say but... I can't find it like now. Kind of like searching for that one specific paper in a stack of many. But rest assured, I like this chapter very much and I'm liking this story more and more for every one you post!
Med Vänliga Hälsningar, Nederbörd.
| Gladiator Beast MCK chapter 2 . 1/2/2010
Great story. You have an interesting thing going with all the magic crap and stuff. I'll be sure to keep up with this if I can nyoro!
| Nederbird chapter 2 . 1/2/2010
A big thumbs up for this one!
First off, making this chapter be set out of viewpoint of a mere guard already merits praise in itself, since we so rarely get to know what and how these little henchmen actually think. Yet you didn't stop there, but chose to make the guy better than the average henchman, giving him some actual fighting skills to show that guards are actually worth hiring. Naming him Frederick Weaver and then giving him a nickname to go with it only helps in making it easier to connect to the character, as then you're actually putting a face on him, so to speak. He becomes more than random redshirt. In fact, I really like him and I hope he's going appear more times in this story.
Miara is such a lovely little villain: slaughtering people and bathing streets in blood at one minute only to forget her objective and turn into that happy little airhead the next: her having to check her notes was a brilliant piece of comic relief. Add to that, that when she finally gets serious and starts fighting, it gets really cool. Besides, she doesn't seem to be evil through and through, still retaining some humanity within herself (as shown when she let Weaver live) even though she has no qualms about butchering innocents en masse... kinda like a maffioso.
The appearance of her twin sister was a really good twist, something which I found completely unexpected despite it being mentioned before in the text. Just like Weaver himself, I had somehow overlooked that little piece of information, and this is where you get a little golden star. In my opinion, when one gets so attached to a character that one begins to think in the same patterns as said character, making the same mistakes and so on, that's when you've truly succeeded with it! That's when you've truly managed to create something speacial, something extraordinary! Congratulations! Here's your cake! *hands writer a cake*
Then again, I must add how much I like the setting.
That's it from, see you next time.
Med Vänliga Hälsningar, Nederbörd.
| Random chapter 1 . 1/1/2010
Interesting. I look forward to the next chapters
| Earl Chapwin chapter 1 . 12/29/2009
I love love LOVE how you started this story!
The change in emotion and swearing was a bit sudden. It would turn off some viewers, but I kinda like that stuff.
I tried writing a story where spells were used, but I scrapt it because it was just too complicated. You, however, seemed to have done a marvelous job with it.
Waiting for that next chapter 3
| Nederbird chapter 1 . 12/28/2009
I must admit that I'm not a big fan of the supernatural, and while I like fantasy a bit more, it's not something I usually read without recommendation.
This however succeeded in gaining my interest early on already! First, I really like the setting, Egypt is a mystic place with a long and colourful history out of which one can draw many ideas. Second I like that you magi aren't limited to magic alone. Some writers tend to have it so that they mages avoid technology like the bubonic plague, not you two, and I like that.
Then, I like Cecil... or should I say "liked"? I don't know exactly what, but something about his way of describing things made everything more humourous and thus more enjoyable to read. Maybe it was his complaining on different things, the Noble oligarchy in this case. His ambition was also something that drew me to him... too bad he died. :(
The only thing bothering me is this... Adrienne... or more specifically his name. 'cause he is a man, right? Adrienne is a female name and it would make him seem awfully effeminate to have him named Adrienne, like... not fearsome at all. I suggest renaming him Adrian or Adriano or Adorján or whatever, just make it male if he now is one. XD
Otherwise he was cool. Really mighty and he didn't seem to overpowered, not yet anyway. It'll be interesting to read about the different characters and their motives as their story progresses.
Also about the noble families, are you planning them all to be from first world countries, or will we find the nobility even in places like Peru, Congo or Indonesia? I'd almost recommed Bhutan as a good place for that, considering how conservative they are in regards to technology.
Med Vänliga Hälsningar, Nederbörd.
| Lanelle H chapter 1 . 12/28/2009
This story looks like it's going to be very good, nice premise I'm eager to read more!