Reviews for Changehood 2: A Man Responsible for Others
papaparazzi chapter 19 . 3/14/2010
ok! ATTENTION. I kno you did this on purpose, but i was rereading this story and i suddenly realized that the convo patrick has in this chapter with riley (march 20th, 987) is like VERY similar to the convo he has with riley in the second chapter (october 24th, 983):

983 Convo: (Excuse me, i should have _ you just then)

"No one's supposed to visit you," Riley pointed out and then she smiled. "I can get away with it because I'm sneaky."

"Excuse me. I should have complimented you just then."

987 Convo:

"You're not going anywhere. I didn't risk my life in order to get you back just so you could injure yourself more by wandering around like a fool."

"Excuse me. I should have thanked you just then."

983 Convo: (Visiting Anne)

"How's Anne?" he asked.

"She's fine," Riley answered.

"Can she visit me now that I'm out of the hospital?"

"No one's supposed to visit you,"

987 Convo:

"What about Anne?" Patrick's voice was now softer and more reserved.

Riley paused a moment, also reserving her tone. "She's dead,"

"I want to visit her."

"She's dead."

"I'll visit her grave."

983 Convo: (Riley always cries)

"Staring off into space?" Patrick said.

"Mm…" Riley mused. "Patrick, do you remember when we first met?"

"Yeah," Patrick answered. "You were crying. Like always."

"I don't always cry."

"You always come to me to cry."

"Well…you make me feel better,"

987 Convo:

"Staring off into space?" Patrick said.

"Mm…" Riley mused. "Patrick, do you remember when we kissed?"

"Yeah," Patrick answered. "You were crying. Like always."

"I don't always cry."

"You always come to me to cry."

"Well…you make me feel better,"

983 Convo: (How old is Riley?/Best friends)

"How old are you?"

"You don't know?" Riley laughed.

"I know. You're thirteen."

"If you know, why did you ask?"

"I don't know. You just always seem older than that to me."

"Are you embarrassed that a thirteen-year-old considers you her best friend?" Riley questioned.

"No," Patrick said in such a tone that suggested Riley was being ridiculous just in asking the question. "Are you embarrassed that your best friend is such a weakling, despite your best efforts?"

987 Convo:

"How old are you?"

"I'm almost seventeen, Patrick."

"You always seem younger than that."

"Are you embarrassed that a seventeen-year-old has fallen in love with you?" Riley questioned.

"Are you embarrassed that you're making this confession to your best friend?"

983 Convo: (Riley won't cry today)

"What's wrong?" Patrick asked, noticing the distinct expression of sadness on her face. "Are you going to cry again?"

"No," said Riley as she tried to force back a smile but failed. "Not today, Patrick."

"All right," Patrick said and he finally cracked a smile as well. "Get out of here, then. I have to rest."

"Okay," Riley said. "Heal fast."

987 Convo:

"What's wrong?" Patrick asked, trying to be sensitive to her feelings but, at the same time, trying to keep them distant. "Are you going to cry again?"

"No," said Riley as she tried to force back a smile but failed. "Not today, Patrick."

"All right," Patrick said and he finally cracked a smile as well. "Get out of here, then. I have to rest."

"Okay," Riley said. "Heal fast."

At first, i thought i was crazy cause i recognized some dialogue, but then i found it in the previous chaper and i was like MIND BLOWN. i think the reptition really works in this situation because you can really see how much their relationship changed in 5 years. now im gonna go through and see if you do it anyplace else! this brings a lot more meaning to it! wow
Airblade64 chapter 18 . 3/13/2010
Whew! Thank goodness for friends, huh? I was kind of surprised to see everyone I mentioned at the end of my last review, though I wasn't expecting Lica. The first part of this chapter was actually pretty intense. Patrick's got some guts to bust himself out like that!

There were a few sections of script that could use a little rewording, if nothing else than for the sake of readability. None of this is bad by any stretch. I just thought I'd offer advice where I can.

"...and his arms bruised..." - You could change "bruised" to "ached" or something, since you used "bruised" earlier in the same sentence.

"...in the cargo of a train." - I would be slightly more specific. Maybe add "hold" or "area" after "cargo", Just so we know that Patrick isn't actually in the cargo.

"...to alarm anyone to his presence." - "Alarm" is a little out of place. "Alert", perhaps?

"...waiting idly..." - Instead: "...idle waiting..."?

"...back of the wall once through the bars..." - Not sure about this one. Try restructuring it, maybe to something like "He had no way of knowing where he was, though he could make out a dimly lit hallway lined with prison cells. The guards shoved him into one and threw him against the back of the wall. Patrick was vaguely aware of them wrapping chains around his wrists and securing them with a metal bar. They gagged him next, preventing him from making any more noise. Then they dropped him, allowing Patrick to fall to his knees with his arms pulled up over his head. He wasn't even able to sit down."

Well, you don't need to rewrite all that. Sorry, I just took it and ran with it. Trying to be an editor, I guess.

Though the scene as a whole was pretty impressive, I was a bit unclear as to how Patrick managed to free himself. Clearly he got one hand free (ouch, a lot), but how did he unbind the other? Did he use his smashed-up fingers to undo the chains? I hope not. :P

Anyway, this part might could use some clarification. Otherwise, it's pretty good.

Sure sucks to be Patrick, but an exciting chapter through and through.
Airblade64 chapter 17 . 3/13/2010
Whoa, Patrick should have been listening to his bugs! The second I saw "dead flesh!" and "Anne" together, my "uh oh" senses started going crazy. It went something along the lines of "Oh crap! That is not good! That is bad!"

Sheesh, this guy Slate does not play nice at all. What a creep.

By the way, the last couple chapters were pretty good. I especially liked the dialogue between Patrick and Alexander when they were standing beside Salem's gravestone. I thought the whole thing felt pretty natural, for one thing. It really conveyed a strong sense of emotion. It was hard not to feel for Alexander. When he finally concluded by telling Patrick to get Riley out of there, I found myself agreeing with him.

Okay, back to the present. I don't know how Patrick's gonna get out of this one. Here's hoping somebody comes to the rescue! Riley, maybe? Alexander? The dog-girl? Anyone?
Sea Turtles chapter 24 . 3/4/2010
Was this a difficult chapter to write? It seemed like this chapter was forceably cranked out. Often times, I felt like you were distracted. Granted, it is a difficult subject, but your words did not seem to flow as easily. Maybe it's just me.

I'm glad for this chapter. It makes Patrick very human, which is a good thing. Perhaps it's because we're seeing Patrick act illogical that's throwing me off. I'm so used to seeing him as a purely rational character. This is good development. I just think that you could implement this better.
Sea Turtles chapter 23 . 3/3/2010
I wonder if Patrick's thoughts were supposed to be facts or just his own opinion. In the first few paragraphs, you wrote:

"His debilitating despair over the past few months had made him weak and, he quickly realized, that was giving Slate power. It was allowing him to have this much strength and stare deep into him like he owned him."

Does Dane Slate really get his power from the desperation of others or did it only seem that way to Patrick because he was so desperate? I think at this point, we can't tell.

The fight between Patrick and Slate was easy enough to follow, although I had a question about a couple of your lines:

"Patrick scraped at Todd's skin, easily tearing it away and revealing a broken bone piercing through the muscle underneath."

First off, good description :-) . Second, was this bone broken from Slate slamming Patrick against the wall or from a previous battle between Slate and Toph?

"In a desperate act, Patrick pointed his fist and drove his fingers into Todd's arm, completely severing the forearm from the body."

What does it mean to "point one's fist?" Did you mean to aim his fist or to open his hand in such a way as to strike with the tips of his fingers?

"Patrick looked back to Slate who was mustering up a smile. He finally clapped his one hand against the stump left behind by Patrick's assault, and a bright white light emitted from his body."

This leads me to believe that Todd picked up the hand that Patrick severed. Otherwise, shouldn't it be "...the stump, the result of Patrick's assault...?" When you say "...the stump left behind..." it makes me think of something that actually got left behind.

Suggestion(s):

- She set him up in the guestroom and he was quite comfortable with spending most of his time under the covers, almost hoping Slate would just walk in the door and kill him. (...walk in through the door...)

- Patrick put both his hands on Todd's extended arm and tried to wrench himself free of the older man's grip, but the look in Todd's eyes was focused and single minded. (...single-minded.)

- "You know something, Patrick Leary?" Todd said, his voice changing dramatically to one deeper and more sinister; the voice of an assassin closing in on his prey. (...Todd asked...)

- Patrick drove his fist towards Todd's face, but the assassin dodged to the side and dove around Patrick. (...toward...)

I'm concerned about Patrick. I hope his fainting spell is due to him overexerting himself by summoning all of his bugs and not because he's actually being possessed by Slate...
Sea Turtles chapter 22 . 2/25/2010
Wow, he is so paranoid. I really like how you show that he is kind of losing it. This was a great line:

"I couldn't stop it!" Patrick yelled angrily, frustrated that Alexander wasn't able to understand. "I did something stupid like kill the son of a Head Change when I was a child, and because of that, Salem's dead, and Anne is dead and Lica is…near death! I am responsible!"

It reminded me that this story was about Patrick being a man responsible for others. It also showed how messed up his reasoning was when he gets emotional. He didn't kill the son directly. He performed his duty. It was what was commanded of him, not something he did on a whim due to inexperience and youthful rebellion. So he's twisting the facts and making it so that he is to blame for everything. This may be what Dane had intended. Alexander needs to slap him around a bit to wake him up to his senses. I view Dane as a demon. Based on what I've read, heard, and seen, people are more susceptible to possession when they're feeling insecure and are at a low point in their lives. I wonder if Dane is trying to get Patrick to that point. It might be why he hasn't been able to possess him in the first place since Patrick usually has a good head on his shoulders.

Suggestion(s):

- Patrick went under much protest and, although the prison cell had been refurnished so it looked like a comfortable bedroom instead of a cell, Patrick felt imprisoned because he was not permitted to leave. (...protest, and although...)

- "Where were you yesterday?" Patrick said, eyeing the open door. (...Patrick asked...)

- At first, Patrick's instinct told him to struggle. Then, he realized no bad could come from being outside again. (...to struggle, then he realized that no harm could come...)

- If Alexander was actually Dane Slate, then he was finally going to be killed and released from the madness and fear but, if Alexander was still Alexander, then perhaps that meant Slate had been killed. (...madness and fear, but if...)

- "What about Lica?" said Patrick. (...asked Patrick.)

Having Riley's voice echo while you're describing the present was a very nice touch. I think this shows that he really does love Riley. Hopefully, he'll realize it too and finally admit it to himself. I hope we hear more about his mother too. I can't imagine how she must be feeling since the village she resides in is in a conflict with a village she's from. She must feel awful for Lica Nara as well. I hope it all works out in the end.

I can't help but think that now would be a good time for Sarella to show up with Daniel and start pwning the enemies :-p. Part of me hopes that they've been learning to control their powers and are now able to get in sync with each other and perform some kind of creative/powerful move. Forbidden skills always make things more interesting ;-) .
Sea Turtles chapter 21 . 2/24/2010
Man, I just feel so bad for Patrick. The first two paragraphs really help me sympathize with him. The last two pained me to read.

Suggestion(s):

- Patrick went on a low key mission as a mentor to some First Levels whose teacher was in Lica Village for the year and that turned out all right. (...low-key...the year; and that...)

- He didn't feel particularly inspired by any his interactions with the children even though they seemed to know him. (...by any of his...)

I wonder why Dane can't just possess Patrick. Why is it that he can possess others? Does he NOT want to possess him? I thought Dane would be the sinister type would would relish in taking over Patrick's body and forcing him to kill off his loved ones. He's already revealed that Lica wasn't dead when he possessed him. The only other conclusion would be that Lica was unconscious when Dane was in control. Anyway, these were my random musings while reading this chapter. Good work.
Sea Turtles chapter 20 . 2/24/2010
This was kind of a scary chapter. Patrick was suicidal. It's a good thing Ashleigh was there to interrupt him. She has an amazing amount of insight. Scary chapter ;-) .

I am really liking Ashleigh. She was being a good friend to Patrick. Although, I'm surprised that her bouncing on the bed didn't cause any injury to Patrick's broken arm.

Suggestion(s):

- He didn't know what kind of consequences might come from her decision. But, he did miss her. (...might have come from her decision, but he did miss her. I suspected a tense change and a sentence fragment.)

- Being all alone all the time with all his thoughts grated on his conscious and forced him to think about what he could have done to fix things. (...conscience... maybe?)

- He could have been more careful and sensed the problems with Salem before Riley had to come to him with her unbeautiful fear. (...unlovely fear.)

- Those short days he spent in the prison near Lica and terrified him so much that, for the first and only time in his life, Patrick had been fairly sure that he was going to die. (...Lica had terrified him...)

- It manipulated his warmness and penetrated the hot weather, filling him like a balloon is such a way that suggested he may fly away. (...his warmth and...balloon in such... this sounds uncomfortable.)

- Right then and right now would be a perfect time to simply fall forward. (...and there would have been a... The rest of the sentence should be switched to past tense as well.)

- All these thoughts pounded against his skill, and then were suddenly interrupted by a cheerful greeting. (...his skull, and...)

- "Aren't you hot?" she said. (...she asked.)

- Ashleigh dismissed his observation and, something about her entire attitude made Patrick feel somehow relieved. (...his observation. Something about...)

- Patrick leaned back so he lied next to Ashleigh. (...he lay next...)

I think I find myself surprised by how much the difference in age bothers Patrick. I guess to him it's a really big deal.
Sea Turtles chapter 19 . 2/24/2010
First off, poor Patrick. I imagine that he's in a lot of pain. Also, he was caught crying in Alex's arms. I imagine that's a blow to his ego. Second, I want to say shame on Patrick for being a butt. I really dislike it when people intentionally make conversations difficult. I can understand that he was hurting in more ways than one, but dang. Riley was making herself vulnerable by talking about her feelings for him. The least he could have done was keep silent if he didn't have anything tactful to say. I guess I wouldn't know since I've never been in his situation. As much as I hate to say it, I might have acted the same way. Patrick is true to his characterization, through and through (that's a compliment). Third, I totally didn't see Riley quitting the 4th Level Squad coming. That bit took me by surprise. Good job on introducing that fact when you did. Well done! I have ambivalence toward your characters. This tells me that you've done a great job developing them. To me, this makes them more real and easier to relate to.

Suggestion(s):

- "What happened?" he said. (...he asked.)

- "Staring off into space?" Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)

Silly lines:

"You can cry," Riley suggested.

"No," said Patrick. "You cry."

I don't know what to think of this, lol. It is a bit confusing what's going on here, but I smiled nonetheless.
McFisticuffs chapter 19 . 2/18/2010
ah! but! wait! anne? Riley? PATRICK? everything changes now!

i liked this little arc. and even though i really resented anne, i'm kinda sad she's gone.
Sea Turtles chapter 18 . 2/17/2010
Very well-written. This was a painful chapter to read. I can't imagine breaking my own hand. Patrick has quite a resolve. I think it's neat that we were able to catch a glimpse of Patrick in his most unstable state (so far, anyway).

Suggestion(s):

- They threw him up against the back of the wall once through the bars and held him there. (I don't think you need "once through the bars" in this sentence.)

This chapter gave me tingles. Please update soon!
Sea Turtles chapter 17 . 2/17/2010
Man, he can't catch a break. I feel though, that Patrick should have known better. I guess he was so tired from his mission that he wasn't thinking straight. Good chapter :-) .

Suggestion(s):

- In the end, everything turned out all right, aside from the brief almost drowning incident but, other than that, the timing was just off. (I think you say the same thing twice, but I don't know for sure. The structure is a bit awkward. So there was a brief almost-drowning incident, but everything worked out? If so, what's this about the timing being off? Was this in reference to the mission being delayed?)

- “What?” Patrick said, eyeing Anne. (...Patrick asked...)

- “Are you really in any place to be giving me orders?” Anne said, still speaking in her own voice. (...Anne asked...)

My favorite line this chapter:

"Patrick threw a miniature and withdrawn temper tantrum and flung the blankets off."

I could totally picture this in my mind, ha, ha. I loved it! Great job capturing his mood :-) .
t-wing1991 chapter 16 . 2/11/2010
“Tell me the name of your best friend ever.”

“Riley McMannis, of course,” he answered, smiling slightly.

SO CUTE!
McFisticuffs chapter 16 . 2/11/2010
omg those two are practically married already.

i like the way thses two charcters have progressed... this hasnt seemed forced.

i can see them finally getting together after all these years!

i don't think slate will kill riley.

he better not! esp. with her almost being old enough to get with patrick.

alex is kind of my favorite. i loved his scene with patrick at the graveyard. REALLY touching. i think he needs a girlfriend. get on that will you?
Airblade64 chapter 14 . 2/11/2010
Whoa, creepy chapter. These past few chapters have been interesting to read, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here. Patrick continues to be quite a study. He consistently does things that surprise me, like when he refused to take Ann back. His decisions tend to make sense sooner or later, but it's still slightly jarring whenever he does something unexpected. It's a neat dynamic, and I think I actually like that about him. He's a very logical thinker, through and through.

The parts leading up to their encounter with the body-snatcher were pretty unnerving. Especially when the bugs were chanting "Dead flesh, dead flesh!" That's totally bizarre. Freaky, but imaginative. Bummer for Salem, though.

Anyway, this continues to be well-written. As I may have mentioned before, you are still very good at characterization. Good work as usual :).

Airblade64
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