|Reviews for Changehood 2: A Man Responsible for Others|
| Sea Turtles chapter 16 . 2/10/2010
Oh! They should just talk and get things out in the open! Ha, ha, ha, this chapter has so much hesitation that it makes me want to do something :-p . Very good writing!
- “What?” said Patrick, returning the look. (...asked Patrick...)
- “Patrick?” she said quietly, and he didn’t say a word. (...she asked quietly...)
- “I’m too old?” Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)
Riley is so hopelessly in love. Patrick doesn't know what to do about it. Sweet ambivalence.
| Sea Turtles chapter 15 . 2/6/2010
What a sad scene. Thanks for showing us the softer side of Alex. I hope this helps Patrick mend his relationship with Riley.
Since he's wanting to learn more about the 4th level squad, will we be seeing more of Dani and the others?
- “You remember Chesline, don’t you?” Alexander said, ignoring Patrick. (...Alexander asked...)
- “Riley’s your best friend, isn’t she?” Alexander said. (...Alexander asked.)
Good chapter. I'm sad that it's over. Write and post soon!
| Sea Turtles chapter 14 . 2/4/2010
Wow! Creepy! This chapter was a good read.
There were a few sentences that I felt would have been better as two separate sentences. Not because they didn't make sense, but because I felt that it would be easier to understand (don't want to make your readers think too hard (_;) ).
- From his window, he could see over the gate and the street that ran through the middle of the villa. (...over the gate. There was a street...)
- There were more houses on the inside than he expected, and he wondered what would happen when they ran out of living space. (...than he had expected. He wondered...happen if they...)
- He imagined they would probably expand and the apartment he was in would soon belong to the Haarts, so that was why it was probably so inexpensive. (He imagined that they...expand; and the...to the Haarts. That's was probably why it was so inexpensive.)
- The knock startled him simply because he couldn’t imagine who it would be, already knowing where he lived and all. (...who it would be. He didn't expect anyone to know that he had just moved into the apartment.)
- “Strange?” Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)
- “How can I help?” Patrick said, trying to be supportive. (...Patrick asked...)
- She was unbearably weak in this moment, and Patrick refused to admit to her that he was scared most of that, because he had always imagined Riley as on the brink of unshakable. (...moment. That was what scared him the most. He had always...)
- “What was he looking for?” Patrick said quietly. (...Patrick asked...)
- “What if he’s there?” Riley said nervously. (...Riley asked...)
- “It’s my room, isn’t it?” Salem said and then nodded his head at Patrick. (...Salem asked...)
- “What about Dani?” she said softly. (...she asked...)
- Patrick went back to the door and then pointed at May. (shouldn't it be Dani?)
- “What have you done with Salem?” said Patrick. (...asked Patrick.)
- “Don’t you have a body of your own?” Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)
- “Yes, that his right,” said Salem. (...that is right...)
- “Salem?” he said quietly. (...he asked...)
Dane Slate has definitely peaked my interest! So he no longer has a body. I wonder how old he is. It's scary knowing that he could "possess" someone. Killing people from the inside out sounds very sinister. *shudder*
| papaparazzi chapter 13 . 2/2/2010
self defense ftw!
ps thanks for dumping Anne.
but seriously! it's been 6 months since patrick and riley have seen each other!
i like lica tho. the person, not the village.
| Sea Turtles chapter 13 . 2/2/2010
Yay! We have an ally! Man, Lica has quite a resolve. Like Patrick, I was surprised by the turn of events as well.
I can't wait to find out what happens next!
- “Are you sure?” Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)
- “Did they send you here to kill me?” Lica said quietly. (...Lica asked quietly.)
- Patrick looked over his shoulder at the boy’s empty, wide eyed and dead expression, sprawled out on the ground near them. (...wide-eyed... I'd go with either empty, wide-eyed expression or dead, wide-eyed expression. That sentence seemed redundant. Also, maybe separate this into two sentences. It almost reads like the expression was sprawled out on the ground, not the boy's body)
- “Are you all right?” Patrick said, gesturing towards the small cut under Lica’s chin. (...Patrick asked...)
- “Free?” Patrick said, wanting to point out that he had been free for almost a year. (...Patrick asked...)
My favorite exchange this chapter:
“He was your brother?” Patrick confirmed.
“Only by blood,” Lica said.
Ha, ha. Amusing :-)
| Probot chapter 13 . 1/31/2010
damn this is good luv the whole story it's so addictive...feed me more
| Sea Turtles chapter 12 . 1/28/2010
Good dialogue between Blake and Patrick! I'm sad to hear about Patrick and Riley. I hope things work out soon.
- “There, you see?” Blake said. (...Blake pointed out.)
- “Really?” Blake said, looking absolutely amazed. (...Blake asked...)
- “Who told you we were?” said Blake, looking surprised. (...asked Blake)
- “I’m not as unperceptive as you think.” (imperceptive)
I don't know if it's just me, but the last little bit of the dialogue didn't make much sense to me.
“That’s grim. What if tomorrow she’s made the Leader of the Fourth Level Squad, and then Shaun Hardlen retires and then she’s Head Change? What then? You’ll be kicking yourself then.”
“Because I don’t get to be the Head Change’s husband?”
“Yeah, why not?”
I guess I didn't know what Patrick meant when he said, "Nothing." Did he mean, "That's nothing," or "No reason," or "Maybe," perhaps? Anyway, no big deal; it just caught my eye.
Blake brought up a good point. A 4-year difference isn't much. I guess once Riley becomes 18 (hopefully she'll get that far) Patrick will be more open to the idea of them getting together. It's a shame that they can't still be friends in the meantime though.
Since Patrick isn't taking on harder missions, is he still training under someone? I'm also wondering how he's doing with his bugs. I'm curious to see what other new techniques he's come up with/learned. Keep writing!
| Sea Turtles chapter 11 . 1/27/2010
So sad! Great writing! I really feel for Riley. Perhaps Patrick has found the one he's longing for.
- They were permitted to return whenever when Daniel’s sentence had ended, but apparently they had made themselves a nice home in Circa and decided to stay. (...return anytime once Daniel's...)
- Daniel and I married last year. (...were married... - OR - ...got married...) (since it's a character writing a letter, it's all right for there to be some errors though, not that this is an error. I think it adds charm, personally.)
- It’s very quaint, and it’s a great place for Daniel and me to disappear. (...disappear to.)
- I know you don’t like that phrase, but it really is what was needed. (...really was what was needed.)
- There are few women who are like me; so young and so already so committed. (...so young and already so committed.)
Favorite quote this chapter:
“Why,” she began in a harsh tone. “Are you back with Anne?”
Man, there's power and emotion in that line. I had to reread it a couple of times because initially, I thought it was two questions. Very good. You evoked a mood change in the middle of creating another mood. I love it when author give readers a twist. Go you!
| Sea Turtles chapter 10 . 1/27/2010
I'm glad that we were able to hear from Anne. It's good that your characters make appearances every now and then. It's hard to tell what's happening objectively since we're viewing this scene through Patrick's eyes. We have no choice but to accept the scene along with the biases that Patrick presents. Is Anne really a fake like the Haarts? Or is this just what Patrick sees because he's been hurt by her?
It seems like Lucy is on Anne's side. I'm really glad you threw that in there because it's another opinion we can use to figure out what's really happening.
- The vest had the Third Level patch sewn into it, but Patrick had not taken a mission as the new rank and, to add to it, he hadn’t seen or spoken to the boy called Lica since their interaction in the hospital. (...the new rank. In addition, he...)
- He didn’t know if it was because he was afraid of the severity of Third Level missions or if just wasn’t ready to mingle with other highly ranked Changes. (...or if he just...)
- And, what was worse, he didn’t know what could make him happy, or if he had really ever been happy. (I think it would have more of an effect if you took out the "And" at the beginning)
This chapter ended quite abruptly. I think a little narration would have helped form more of a conclusion to the chapter. Like, I don't know, maybe something along the lines of:
"They sat in silence, not knowing what to do next. Patrick looked at his jacket and thought of his father. His resentment toward him softened a bit as he thought of the confusion he might have felt when he and his mother were together.
He looked at Anne and thought of her letter, her betrayal, and the exchange between them. Patrick was confused and now, more than ever, he felt the pain of longing for something. One thing he was sure of...it wasn't Anne."
I know that's crap, lol. I'm just trying to offer ideas. I don't know what direction you're taking these characters and I'm sure you've done this enough to know what I'm talking about. Anyway, those are my two cents. On to the next chapter!
| papaparazzi chapter 9 . 1/21/2010
yea! patrick promoted!
hm..trying to make predictions about whats gonna happen next with lica. the village i mean, not the person-but maybe the person too!
i want to know about this "one man" and the revenge.
alex isn't patrick's teacher anymore? sad face.
| Sea Turtles chapter 9 . 1/21/2010
Wow, I don't know what just took place in this chapter, but I'm happy for Patrick all the same :-) . So he got Lica to talk and agree to help them out. I wonder why they decided to use Patrick and not some other interrogator. Patrick was obviously unsure as to what the purpose of the interrogation was. All in all, I'm glad things went well for him. Hopefully, things will make more sense in the next chapter.
- “You wanted me to come here?” Patrick said to Alexander. (...Patrick asked Alexander.)
- “Do you remember Lica?” Alexander said, nodding his head towards the door. (...Alexander asked...)
- “Who are you then?” he said quietly. (...he asked quietly.)
- “What about him?” Patrick said, suddenly feeling interested in Lica’s apparent random reaction. (...Patrick asked...)
- “Are you so dumb?” the boy said, his voice rising unexpectedly, but then he winced and recoiled. (...the boy asked...)
I look forward to your next chapter :-) .
| Sea Turtles chapter 8 . 1/21/2010
This was a really great chapter to read! I am glad everything worked out so well. What a conspiracy! Poor Lica. I'm so full of questions!
- It’s no problem (It was no problem...)
Great writing. Keep it up :-)
| papaparazzi chapter 8 . 1/18/2010
confusing that his name is the same as the village!
I like that patrick finally gets his time to shine...he deserves it after rescuing all those people!
and the little boy too.
can't wait for more! write more!
| McFisticuffs chapter 7 . 1/18/2010
riley always crying...i like this set up that their best friends. but i want them to hook up! (even though she's only 14...awkward...) she should be older! waa!
| me chapter 8 . 1/18/2010
my hero! what a champion! i'm really enjoying this story and i didn't even read the first one. i think that's saying a lot that i can read the second one without the first one and still like it.