|Reviews for If Only Tonight|
| MaAgEc chapter 6 . 11/21/2010
Haha. Matt just secretly likes thunderstorms so Mia will jump into bed with him. :P
| EverEverAfter chapter 5 . 11/7/2010
Looks like Matthew's thawing a bit in his behavior. It's about time he did lol.
I don't really understand why Matthew said "Well played..." to Mia. Is there some kind of subliminal message in his words?
Other than that, it was nice to read more of the story. Thanks for updating!
| MaAgEc chapter 5 . 11/6/2010
More please. I'm impressed by how fast Matt is falling in love, LOL. It's really quick.
| DELETE THIS ACCOUNT NOW 323402 chapter 5 . 11/6/2010
aw... finally he gave in... a little bit ;P
please please please update soon ;D
[when is the romance gonna start?] XD
| Kick chapter 4 . 11/1/2010
I'm loving your story so far...can't wait to read more )
| EverEverAfter chapter 4 . 10/4/2010
Exciting new turn of events! The squirrel thing was cute... and random lol. I'm curious about Oliver's wife. I sense some mystery there.
Can't wait to read more!
| natmarie chapter 3 . 9/19/2010
Again, watch for the repetition. If Mia sees her best friend laying on the couch. Say "Mia saw her best friend, Stacie Rosen, laying on the couch her hair trailing behind her..." Instead of mentioning her on the couch twice, in back to back sentences. It is an easy fix mistake. :)
Reminder: When different people talk, what each person says should be a seperate line. Watch it in the Mia/Stacie dialogue. Also, if Stacie is talking, make sure her actions are on the same lines or near what she is saying and Mia's are seperated. Otherwise it sometimes gets confusing for a reader (especially when there are two female characters) Who is saying and doing what. Make sense?
Again, watch scene changes. I know you seperate them with the dotted lines but before you jump into dialogue you might want to start off with...the next day at practice, all the guys were bla blah...set the scene and then jump into Oliver's cute dialogue to help with flow and transition. Also, all these guys and the boss seem to get to know her pretty well pretty fast...how much time has passed?
Nice intro of the Jerkish Jason...thought more might come of it. Like Matt bursting in or something. Early for his appointment :)bust the silly boy had to be all late. So does he go by Matthew or Matt? Mia goes by a nickname consistantly but you switch it up with him. Try to be consistant? Otherwise nicely done. I think you could flesh it out a bit and add description or more to scenes, but you have set things up nicely...even if your readers are guessing Matt might have texted her in the prologue. Or Oliver? :)
| natmarie chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
The bit at the begining kind of threw me off. It was nice to know she got the job and show the back story of the text, perhaps Matt is the guy the text is from...but that and the prologue seem disconnected? Maybe put a "three months earlier" tag at the begining or something? I don't know. If I'm not making sense feel free to ignore me. I think you could have jumped into the interview and then the introduction to the team...the name mistake was clever, I like that they thought she was a boy. The dead twin with the same initials, seems like possibly unneeded drama that was kind of just thrown at your readers...though I bet it plays a big role later, maybe it could be revealed more gracefully.
As always, I like the glimpse into Mia and Matt's points of view, but maybe distinguish where the flips are going to happen with a line or bar or something, though I figured it out. Maybe reveal more about Matt's anger so he doesn't seem like just a jerk, but a moody jerk for a reason. So he doesn't like to play? Why? What it a crap call that got his suspended? Or did he deserve it? Did he not like being fawned over after messing something up that got him suspened? Etc. I think you could show some more characterization here and there.
Also read the dialogue out loud, most of it is solid and good, just make sure it sounds realistic when read outloud. Would there be swearing if Matt is really upset? etc.
I really do like this and know you will bring more to it than the perky fan/trainer and moody athlete cliche. I can't wait to see what you do with it. I hope I don't sound harsh. I really am just trying to help.
| natmarie chapter 1 . 9/19/2010
Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this, life has been minorly chaotic as of late. This is a nice teaser prologue that makes me want to keep reading...you have a nicely crafted cliff hanger. WHO IS THIS GUY! Yup, that's what I kept thinking.
I see some vast improvements in your writing which is awesome. Great description in the begining...work on smoothening it out a bit. For example, the light glints off her eyes and then you mention her evergreen eyes. To prevent repetition maybe say the light glinted off her evergreen eyes or something like that. Make sense? I'm slightly wondering why she is unpacking in the middle of a forest? Did she just pull up to a cabin? Or is she camping? Or what exactly?
I like the build up to the text message, and it was adorable. The ringing of the phone at the end seemed a little wordy or unclear, you might be able to rework it. I'm glad the ring helped tell her who it was, but how? Is it a special ring? Is it this guy or someone else? And if he just texted would he call? I guess that could all fall under the cliff hanger, but I thought I would mention it.
| DELETE THIS ACCOUNT NOW 323402 chapter 3 . 9/16/2010
god! i love this story [[insert content sigh]]
this is so flippin brilliant
i love how oliver is already a really good friend and i love love how matthew is playing the badboy
please please please update soon ;D
| EverEverAfter chapter 3 . 9/16/2010
Hey! Good to know you've got this story up and going. I like the angle with which you have approached the plot. You've found a very unique idea about the nature of Mia's new job, and I like how you've factored in a possible romance with the star player.
I like that the suspense is already out there while you've been builiding up on the story.
The only thing that's driving me mad is the prologue because I can't see the connection yet! But I guess it's too soon.
Anyway, keep writing! )
| EverEverAfter chapter 1 . 1/23/2010
Nice prologue! I'm really excited for this story; I'm already so curious about everything! Like, why did they break up, and does she still like him? But I guess I just have to wait and see!
| Just Silly Me chapter 1 . 1/1/2010
Hey there! Ahh an M and M pair, that's always great. The prologue really doesn't make sense to me right now, but I'm guessing it will eventually. I saw that you aren't going to post until you write more chapters and I'll be keeping that in mind. I quite like your grammar in comparison to what I've seen from others on this site... however, have you considered getting a beta? There were a few things in this chapter that need to be fixed, there's always something in every story. Let me know and write more soon!
| Koki Enwai chapter 1 . 1/1/2010
Is the first part supposed to be lyrics from a song or something?
This is a cute first chapter. I have to say, I'm kind of anxious to see what happens next.
Keep up the good work! :)