I know this is just the prologue, but it's really interesting. Not usually my genre, but I'm sucked in, definitely going to keep going. This kind of thing can sound cliche, and I think you're going to have to watch the cliches as you move on, but it's going well so far.

Hey, found your story on the zero hour forum and was glad I did. You have an interesting and complex world going here. Not only is it believable (as far as fantasy goes) but it seems to have good solid rules and a lot of space for complications and twists to keep the reader interesting.

I know this because of the prologue, however, I have a bone to pick with it. I guess this might just be personal preference, but I think you have the writing skill necessary to impart the information you give there into the actual story. One of the most enjoyable things in a fantasy or supernatural book for me is to slowly discover more and more about the world, any magic present and their role in shaping and changing the characters I come to love. The prologue you have written, while interesting, well structured and useful, denied the reader the thrill of figuring it out on their own. I'm not saying you should change it, but just consider maybe imparting the info in another way. Maybe have someone telling the story, or better yet, don't tell it at all and work it in...but enough with that.

The first chapter is gripping. This is not to say that it is perfect, but it does what a first chapter needs to do: it introduces a main character, it introduces a setting and it introduces a problem.

The MC, while interesting for her abnormal Heart Ward, does not interest me nearly as much as her mother in this chapter. I feel like, if you made her stand up for herself a little bit more, be a little more like a bratty teenager if you will, that she might actually become a more intriguing person.

Another point I think you could work on is how you structure this chapter. Since there is already one flash back, i would suggest using more. Perhaps start with them pulling up to the Crowe house and create several flashbacks to how they got there. Just an idea. I can't really pinpoint what I don't like about the structure, but something feels a little off.

One last thing I don't think works is AMy describing her own eyes as green. Do you think about the color of your eyes often unless you see them? I would wait to drop that detail until it is pertinent or she is looking into a mirror. Just a small thing, but it brought me out of the flow so I thought I should mention it.

In conclusion, great writing and great story, I look forward to reading more. All of my suggestions are superficial, the foundation is there and it is strong.

Tick-tock, its Review O'Clock from the Zero Hour :D

Never late than never I always say. Hope that's okay with you.

I'm not a huge fan of fantasy due to my lack of imagination- I lack the ability to process characters that don't look human lol. And if they do look different, I can't form an image without vivid description of what they look like. That's just me- of course, my problem doesn't quite correlate with the massive population of readers out there, this is just me rambling lol. Anyway, overall, I thought the concept was very unique. It gave an essence of Paradise Lost minus the complex, elevated language- not saying your vocabulary is low! ( I read paradise lost, half the time I don't know what's going on lol). You formatted your paragraphs in digestible chunks and gave enough information for the readers to follow by. You know only explained, but guided us readers through the world of your novel. It was direct, tot he point, with enough description to keep me happy. For a prologue, I found this quite informative and enticing :).

Now for the things you can tweak:

I don't know why... but when you mention the Immortals and the Wards and the Charges... I imagined them as floating... ghosts or orbs or something like that. I think a clear illustration will help your readers envision your story the way YOU want us to envision it. Though I liked the pacing of the story, I found the chapter sort of like an "info-dump"- a lot of things were introduced so rapidly. You don't have to tell us everything all at once. We could slowly absorb your story through paragraphs without too much overload on the info about the beings existing in your novel.

I will not spoonfeed you the details, but here are some things you can tweak:

** There were missing commas in a lot of the sentences I read**

-"Perhaps the Heavens took pity on the lesser beings as their population dwindled, but just as abruptly as the horde of Demons had appeared, so did the Immortals." - I don't know what heaven had to do with the second part of the sentence. I know the Immortals came from heaven maybe but the way its formatted seemed to drift from the impact you wanted. Instead of saying "but," replace it with "because" and rearranged your sentence. "As their population dwindled, it is the Heavens who took pity on the lesser beings because, just as abruptly as the horde of demons entered, so did the Immortals" or something like that. (remember, this is just a suggestion lol)

- In order to continually keep the Soulless from slinking into Earth's dimension again [add comma] they had to create a barrier."

- The barrier they managed to summon was known as the Veil - You could have easily put these sentences together "IN order to continually keep the Soulless from sinky into Earth's dimension could be easily rewritten as "In order to prevent the Soulless from slithering into Earth's dimension, they created a barrier called the Veil"]

Overall, fascinating work my friend! Keep it up!

-Agent

Amazing chapter! We got some good character development going on, with Spencer running away and some a look into her past. I can see how the two main characters are going to meet up, and I like how you did it. I'm anticipating the kidnapping (does this mean I'm a bad person?)! Well done.

This was definitely unique, not many people put this much back ground story in one place. This is not really my genre but surprisingly i like it, it's interesting a bit confusing to keep up with but i like it.

You certainly have the right mindset for fantasy riding: while reading this, I could picture Christopher Lee's voice ringing my mind head narrating the events to the backdrop of my imagination. You did a wonderful job engaging the audience right into the scheme of things and it should make the rest of the story easier to understand knowing this backstory (though I personally prefer giving backstories further down the line in the story, bit by bit, rather than all at once).

There also seems to be some political intrigue involved in this, as well. The government, obviously fearful of these Charges, has created laws that prevent them from coming into their territory without permission, not too different from the immigration laws that some countries implement to keep certain people from coming or going. Granted, political overload was what made some of the latter Star Wars films quite boring, but you certainly did not make it boring here.

Overall, a very good prologue, even if a bit lengthy since I prefer having backstories such as these gradually eased in.

I love your new character. She's funny. I also like the twist... oh this is gonna get good.

JP:)

Dun, dun, dun! The plot thickens! I enjoyed this chapter, much better than the last one. A mistake or two, but nothing major. I liked the way you had them fight. It wasn't too abrupt and jump-started the chapter. Good job!

Response to Zero Hour:

"The First Born, as those ancients were known, were mortal [but they weren’t completely human either]." - I think the last bit of this sentence dispruts the tone of the story and is incorrect sentence structure-wise. It sound very grand in my head while being read but the track scratched here. Try: "...were mortal but not completely human."

"The [first born] shared the connection with the Veil through their blood and their soul." - Capitalize 'first born' (as you have in the rest of the chapter).

"Soon, there were no [Ward-less] in the clans at all." Hm, italicize 'ward' here - consistency.

"It was a gift that dealt heavily with inner strength and which was just as deadly to the user as it was []the victim." - Is there supposed to be a 'to' between 'was' and 'the'?

"[Instead], the woman informed the leaders to look to the [heavens]." - I know it doesn't look like it here, but the first part of the word 'instead' is italicized. Is it intentional or on accident (the sentence before ends with italicises)? And 'heavens' ought to be capitalized - again consistency with the rest of the chapter.

"The Demon [Doors], as Warden’s referred to the [tears] in the Veil, did not repair [itself] as the Soulless were killed, though." - Since 'doors' and 'tears' are plural, 'itself' needs to be changed to 'themselves'.

"The resulting government was referred to as the Council of Representatives, the representatives being a [singled] qualified Warden from each clan." - The word 'singled' needs to be changed to 'single'.

"A child of mixed blood is considered a fraction Ward by way of identifying which [clan] it would represent in a Protectorate. Since there are many fractions to consider, a whole Protectorate could be comprised entirely of fractions who’s main power isn’t even the [clan] they are supposed to represent." - Capitalize 'clan'.

"There was panic, and even talk [] anarchy, but when angry Charges tried to contact the Council through the Embassies, there was so much wait before any responses were made that the Council decided it was high time to build a capital." - Inserted 'of' between 'talk' and 'anarchy'.

"In fact[add comma] the only way to even enter the Capital at that time was to file a request with a local Embassy and wait for permission to use its portal."

Thank goodness, there's a fresh breeze coming in. Frankly, the who vampire/werewolf ordeal has been overdone. I really like, its complex and has a well thought out plot. I can tell ;) I'll try and get to the rest of the chapters as soon as I can.

...Wow. It was good, but I'm kind of confused. What is going on? I'm hoping that it will be cleared up in the next chapter. Though I am excited to learn about Spencer's Ward, it sounds intriguing. And what's up with Ella? I think I'm going to have to go back and read the whole thing (all of the chapters) over again.

One last thing: Your note at the beginning had me thinking that the language was going to be much stronger. My suggestion is to use the MPAA standard. G, PG, PG-13, and R, if you're going to warn about the language.

wow, this location sounds oddly familiar..lol i noticed some spelling mistakes and some added or missing words, but other than that it is really good. the Wards sound a little like weirstones, haha. i cant wait to read more!

Good story! I like how you have been building up the mystery, what with all the different Wards, the dreams, and the hints of some bigger power behind her apparent abilities. Well done.

If I could recommend one thing, it would be to lose the italics. It works for thoughts and the dream passages, but having every few words italicized disrupts the flow of the story. Instead, you should keep the "special" words simply capitalized.

This line "But Darkness was a loyal companion, and under its steadfast and unwavering guidance I continued along my path until the next would-be lantern came to lure me from my darkened road." Sounds like something some poetry genius wrote. Wait scratch that. The whole dream sounds like something some poetry genius wrote.:D This is my favorite chapter so far.

JP:)

Wow. At first, the chapter was kind of confusing. I could tell that it was sometime in the past, but it still seemed kind of abrupt. Other than that, though, it was AMAZING! Loved the 'match,' great way to keep it in the 21st century. Keep up the good work, I'm anxious to find out whose dream it is.

The action was well done - brisk and fast-paced, but drawn out long enough so that there was an actual fight. Looking forward to the next chapter!