This felt like a big story condensed into a little story. I wasn't sure about it at first, but I think it worked. Around the middle I was a little confused about what happened - did they play and he didn't hit the solo? Or didn't he speak up when he should have?

You know, I like how straight-forward this is, actually. It reminds me of a documentary-like snippet in the middle of a film where a man sits at a table, looks straight into the camera, and talks to you. He tells you a story. He wants you to learn from him. That's what this was :D

Excellent parting words, as well. Very, very true.

Nice work!

I like the start of this piece. The rhythm with the short sentences, really gives the impression that a tasty bass solo can give, and reinforce the admiration the narrator has for the girl. I could hear someone like Tal Wilkenfeld suddenly intruding in the narrator's life.

The middle part did less for me. The gritty part about the rest of the band not helping, or the unhappy manager, though very realistic, were a bit too present for me. Maybe it should have been balanced with more focus on how the girl liking his playing made the narrator feel?

And the end felt a bit long. Now that we know that the chance is lost, I felt bad reading to the narrator dwell on it for so long. Learn and move on, boy! But you had some very true, touching sentences in there. So I don't know how you could have worked that out. Perhaps putting some in anticipation, when they decide to put on the show?

That was a nice read anyway. I look forward reading your future novel about a bass-player!

I liked the opening because it was very basic and not over complicated. Just this one sentence introducing the whole concept of the story. It had me gripped simply because I wanted to know more about the narrator, and more about the mystery girl.

I wasn't so keen on the ending because it made the story seem like it was only written for the moral at the end. Maybe it was, but it just didn't sit well with me. Perhaps if the story was lengthened, this would work better, but at the moment it feels cut short.

Writing: I liked the way you wrote in present tense because it kept the story flowing really well. However, I think that you should have included more descriptions, because it seemed a little bland, like it needed something more to actually fix an image in my head. For example, what does the girl look like? However, you have definitely described the music and the way they play it wonderfully.

I liked the relationship between the girl and the narrator, and the way it developed. You managed to develop it well over a very short space of time, which is difficult.

So I decided to give this piece a review because I simply liked it that much!

I really liked the short sentences and the style that you give the narrator's voice. It gives the whole piece a very personal feel and makes it that much more enjoyable for me to read. I connected with the character and felt what he was going through before. A lot of people probably have at some point in their life.

To me this story has more than one meaning to it. There is the music aspect, how he wasted a chance to express himself through music because he was scared and he hesitated. But he also hesitated on his chance at love. He found someone that that helped complete him, something that happens once in a life time, if you are lucky, and he missed out on it because he either didn’t see it at the time, or was too scared to act on it.

I think you ‘showed’ instead of ‘told’ perfectly. Great job.

Aww! That was so sweet and melancholy at the same time!

When I first read the opening I thought: "oh this is going to a typical musician love story." Or some sort of prose that played off artists succeeding in their careers and falling in love.

While I would have liked that kind of plot line, I think I like your twist ending even more. It was definitely a fulfilling ending, if not somewhat depressing.

Once thing I was impressed with was how well developed your character got in such a short piece. You didn't cloud up the story with thick descriptions but instead let his indecisive actions tell the reader who he really is.

Truly, I loved the pace of your story the best. Haha. I'm so sick of seeing stories that have overly stuffed paragraphs that give too much description where it's not needed, especially at the beginning of a story. Yours was perfect.

I really liked your story. Your passion for music really comes through. Your story is actually poetic, but I think you meant for it to be that way. "The notes would have hung in the air, belting out their single, simple, yet inspiring breath before drifting off like wispy clouds, and finally vanishing from the atmosphere" I really like that line you've written. It's short and crisp but it's very meaningful and deep. Your story is inspiring and has filled a piece of my soul that couldn't have been filled otherwise :)

I can understand how passionate the narrator feels about his love for music in this small piece. The fluid intensity of the language was spot-on for the tone of such a monologue. Some lines are quite eye-catching on their and have plenty of scope for double entrendres. Like, for instance, 'We play pretty well together, and the sound is crystal clear.' almost hints at a romance blossoming. Not bad at all.

If anything, the only criticism I have to offer is that your story dwindled slightly towards the end. We don't really get to understand why or how their dreams fell apart although you state it in plain terms. Sometimes, you have to show the reader what's going on, as opposed to telling it.

Is this based on a true story, because it sounds very personal and if it is then that's how the words braid a great piece. When you read this in the club, it was hard to prevent my inmaturity from escaping, but reading it now is like defining a beautiful piece of art.

ZealousAzalea [Adri Z.]

I like how this is almost a borderline poetry prose because your sentences are all so short and terse and divided that it's formatted like a long poem. People rarely experiment with poetry prose but I kind of like how this gives the suggestion of poetry mixed with music too. I also like that you turned this experience into at least a learning one, as cheesy as it sounds. I especially liked the beginning and the details about learning from each other and working together with the other bassist, I'm assuming-is this upright bass or bass guitar? Just wondering, I know a lot of bass players who can play both. Anyway, The way that you segwayed in from first meeting her to attempting to play was really smooth.

Hmm :) I remember so well, reading this in incredulous disbelief. My mouth hung open.

And now, it envokes a warmer, more satisfied feeling. Music in this piece takes on a new life- it lives within breaths, plays along currents of air, and curls around the hearts of the masses. Lovely.

"Don’t try to make a decision, because if you miss your beat, it might never come back again."

Sometimes we get so caught up in thinking logically we don't listen to what our souls are screaming out to us.

Very nice.