|Reviews for Flora|
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 1/4/2010
The grey theme is nice, but the execution is not as strong as I'd like. An opening needs to present the readers with a hook of some sort to keep them reading. This opening tries to entice with wordcraft, but it's not working for me.
Still, in the name of R/R'ing, onward!
Good way to introduce a first-person protag's name.
I'd leave out the comparison-contrast with ye olden tymes with respect to magscreen vs. magazines. It hurts the flow of the story and doesn't add much - from context, we already know magscreens provide reading functionality.
"Knowing anyone could be listening." If the aim is to create a sense of 1984-ish omnipresent eavesdropping, this may be both too obvious and too sudden. Better to mention that the magscreen may be recording what articles were viewed, or the robo-receptionist doubtless fed her name and location back to some central tracking database, etc.
The introduction of Flora and her mandates is rather tell-ish. I'd much rather it be more subtly conveyed to the reader, even if that takes longer and happens later in the story.
Remember, not all the pieces of the puzzle need be out of the box before the first pairs formed.
"We will be Watching" sounds too ... im-perfect. To keep the illusion, I'd expect something with equally sinister intent, but a sunnier presentation, such as "Citizens will help other citizens uphold the mandates at all times," or "Flora City shall be perfect for all to see."
Oh, I like the concept of "You are a tree" / "You are a flower." As for "not required to work," again, it seems imperfect. In a perfect world, I expect everyone to have the perfect job, so what would be the perfect job for Flowers and Trees?
Flowers extraordinary genetic makeup. Tree powerful genetic makeup. What's the difference?
"Stiff and artificial" nice contrast to the natural themes for their surnames.
"Laugh .. due to insanity." A bit over-the-top as well. Corrective medication, instead? They just introduce stuff into the offender's water or foods?
Dr. Mint's laughter is not without grounds, I hope...
Nice ending. It's single-layered, but still effective.
| Corrupted Lungs chapter 1 . 1/4/2010
OMG please tell me that you're going to update this soon! I'm already SO hooked! I don't recall if you said this was a one-shot or not but I really hope not, I loved it!