|Reviews for Creatures of Darkness|
| Mousie Moolie chapter 5 . 2/12/2011
There's no chance you could revive this story is there? I'm on tenterhooks!
| 3H chapter 5 . 1/22/2011
I started this story so lolng ago and didn't even know you wrote it. Small world.
| The Saturday Storytellers chapter 5 . 7/6/2010
Ah, I'm well overdue to read more of this. Here goes!
"...the beams of sun that touched the yard were the only place in the prison that knew this." I'm afraid this part of the sentence doesn't make sense to me. I'm not sure what it's trying to say. I think.
The prison sounds miserable, though.
"The air sat frigid, and wet and stinking in the cells." I think you need to either get rid of that comma, or th first 'and'.
I'm wondering at this point, though: who is in this prison, witnessing all of this for us? Hannah earns her keep illegally and she's been fraternising with a killer. Who is in prison... who?
*reads on, intrigued*
"The taste of life there made every prisoner crave it worse than food." I've thought before that a good prison should play with despair, hope and desire as part of its punishment factor.
"At one corner of the yard, the iron railings..." I think that particular comma needs to go.
"...so no one saw any reason to change it." There's an artful sense of foreshadowing here.
"It was at this space that Hannah waited." Heh. I read this whole paragraph at first as if Hannah was waiting on the outside for Ellick on the inside, but then I realised it could be the other way around.
Excellent description, by the way, of a haggard face. Beautifully done. Or not so beautifully, considering how he must look. But very good, anyway. You've departed from the cliche'd eye and hair descriptions here and I very much appreciate that.
Ah, so all of this is over the flask.
"His hands gripped the bars. "Not your fault."" Ellick's been a hard one to quantify so far, and this answer says so much... and so little about his attitude toward Hannah, his situation, and his general philosophy on the whole thing.
I think the best 'mysterious' characters are never described as mysterious by the writer. But you've created one, sure as anything.
""Is that all you got for me?" Elick grunted. "Self recrimination?"" Furthermore, this hints at an underlying intelligence, which promises quite a great deal of mental/emotional depth to him. Again, oblique characterisation and well done!
Tell you what, too. This conversation they're having is refreshing because before, you focussed a lot on his to-and-fro'ing about whether he felt sorry for her or wanted to hurt her or shag her. So for you to play out a straight, even neutral, conversation gives a new angle to their interrelationship.
""Stupid?" Her grin bloomed. "Far from it. It's almost clever. I'm going to take his fancy Victoria hostage." The thought of having his cherished daughter at her mercy was almost worth it just in itself." o.O That's either very stupid indeed or very clever indeed. Not 'almost clever', Han! But the fact that she's going to do that for Ellick implies they're closer than they seemed to be in the previous chapter.
Unless they live in a culture where people look out for each other more?
"That that bitch lived while Hannah was left to die had always been a thorn in her side." Aha, so there's backstory, here. This feels like it's come out of the hat very suddenly. I realise you were uncertain in your goals for this story past the first chapter, but maybe this needs to be built on more before you unleash this factoid.
Hmm. So potentially, this story is far from over. I think you've got something here - your characters are bright and solid, and you seem to be going somewhere. Your storytelling is slick and engaging and your characterisation distinct. I think all this story needs is a definite ending point and you'd be sorted.
I'm not sure what to read next, but I'm about to have a look at your profile and story list to see if you've any favourites. By all means direct me to a particular story you want reviewed.
- From We Return Reviews.
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 5 . 6/19/2010
Ah, oh no! :( I hope that Ellick gets out of prison with Hannah's plan. :P
I think that you put a clever twist on the story line... Keeps us readers on our toes. :P
I do happen to agree with Ellick. Hannah's plan does seem pretty dangerous, but at the same time, I hope that she can get away with it. *crosses fingers*
I hope that you update this story soon! I love it!
~Avid. :) Roadhouse.
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 4 . 6/19/2010
Hey, there, sophie. :)
I enjoyed this chapter. :D
Hmm, I don't think I believe that Ellick isn't getting "soft" for Hannah. I do think that he cares very much so, and he just wishes that he doesn't. :)
I'm glad that you told us of Hannah's backstory a bit with her mother and father being dead.
I also liked Hannah's brother, and how you described his eyes "darting back and forth, like a fly." That was really cool. :P You're descriptions in this were really excellent, although I think that the dialogue was the best part. You make it sound very believable and smooth. :)
The only thing is that the ending seemed a little rushed. It does make me wonder what Ellick is doing (maybe drowning out his sorrows? :P)
Great chapter, again!
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 3 . 6/19/2010
I really do enjoy this story. :P It's really interesting to me. :)
I liked the fact that you delved a little bit deeper into the murderer character, and didn't just make him a heartless lunatic. :)
I'm glad that he has feelings, however twisted they may be. That's what makes a character feel real-their emotions and reactions to the things around them. :)
I am curious as to why he isn't going to allow himself to be "sweet" on her. (I hope he changes his mind later on... :P I love romantic stories! :D)
I also love how you describe Hannah as "just a child" through the eyes of Elliah(?) I think it adds to the compassion that he feels towards her. :)
Awesome work! :D
~Avid. :) Roadhouse. :)
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 2 . 6/19/2010
Yay! I quite like this chapter, although the bit at the top was a little distracting. :P Otherwise, I don't have anything negative to say. :D
I really enjoyed the dialogue in this. :P It was great! I like how you made the whore talk a bit more slang(ish?) than the man. :) I find the man's compassion very cute, yet strange at the same time... I hope that he is going to help her out somehow. :)
The descriptions were great, too. :) I like how Hannah has to keep reminding herself of the 50p she's going to get. :P Otherwise, I don't think she'd put up with the guy. Lol.
I'm really interested in this story! :D
~Avid. (Roadhouse... 2/2. :D)
(Thanks so much for your reviews on "Our Remembrance." :) They were super helpful. :D)
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 6/19/2010
Hello, sophie. :)
I really enjoyed this first chapter... I feel like you did a great job at introducing the characters through your descriptions, especially at the beginning.
You made the "whore" character sound very believable; I would be terrified also if I thought that I had just witnessed a murder. I also like how you gave us a little bit of backstory with mentioning her brother. It also made her seem more tangible as a person with reasoning behind why she was selling herself.
There was one thing that I didn't really like: How you wrote the girl's thoughts. I felt like this was distracting from the previous paragraphs which were described wonderfully. (The part where she thinks he murdered the lady, is where I'm talking about.) Maybe you should make it less choppy?
I'm glad that she got her coat back! That wasn't very nice of the thieves to trick her like that! :'(
I also like how you threw in the "50 p," thing for how much she offers him, and how much the lady is going to be thrown into jail for... :P It was a nice touch. :P
Great job! :D
~Avid. (Roadhouse. 1/2)
| The Saturday Storytellers chapter 4 . 6/1/2010
"The horses trotted on, the raindrops trotted on the roof..."
I love the idea of the raindrops trotting as well as the horses :P
""Judge Pike killed 'em. Sent Mum 'n Pa to the gallows for stealing bread."" Ah. That puts her fear at stealing bread in the previous chapter into another light.
Wow, nice bit of exposition there from Hannah. She really does have weight on her shoulders, doesn't she? Poor her, and poor Jasper.
Ah, we get to see Jasper now. Excellent. *reads on*
"she caught his palm and pressed half a sandwich into it.
"Where'd you get this?" the boy muttered through a mouthful of bread."
I like the timing of this, and I'm not at all surprised that he wolfed it the moment he got a chance.
"They were like acid on him, eating into his face." Really? I wasn't expecting that. Although Ellick isn't entirely sane himself. Is he being paranoid at this point? I thought he was generally sweet on Hannah.
"Hannah did not feel uneasy at first. " Aha, another change in POV. I think this, or the short paragraph/sentence before needs to be the beginning of a new scene.
"And though she waited all day, he never returned." *Looks uncertain* Well, where the hell's he gone, then?
I enjoyed this, as I have the previous chapters! I look forward to the next!
- From We Return Reviews.
| The Saturday Storytellers chapter 3 . 6/1/2010
Ooh, so his name's Ellick.
And... he's not human?
...and he was/is a (potential) murderer after all! Scary bastard!
"Shagging her would be like shagging a bag of sticks..." Not bad, m'lady, not bad!
This is turning out to be a very crisp chapter, much like the ones before.
"Ellick was not in essence a cruel man." He's thinking in relative terms though, isn't he?
"It was not really anything to be angry about, and this angered him further." I just love the smell of emotionally malajusted fury in the mornings...
It's just occurred to me now, but I like the fact that all of this is from the man's perspective rather than the woman's. I can easily see many people writing this story from her perspective. Poor, teenaged girl forced by circumstance into a life of prostitution, only trying to get this punter onside and the harder she tries and the more she succedes in getting him to warm to her, the more abusive he gets.
But you're doing it from his perspective. All tainted by the fact that, at the start of this chapter, you say it's not even a human that's feeling all this. So not bound by the same rules.
It works; it works.
"He had never hit a women before..." 'woman', I think. Singular!
"It was the thought that counted." Yeah, there's an awful lot of twisted logic in this. A really clear effort at it. It certainly feels refreshing compared to being in the POV of the abused one. The villain who doesn't fully understand why he's a villain. Again, I applaud your presentation.
"Her shoulders hunched around the loaf, but her appetite had disappeared." You slip into her POV for a moment here.
""Why you do it? That man."" I thought it was a woman he'd killed? An old woman.
"...and followed him into the darkness." She trusts him enough to do that? To go into a dark place with him? Well, okay.
- From We Return Reviews.
| The Saturday Storytellers chapter 2 . 5/26/2010
Aha, back to Hannah!
I'm not sure if Secret Diary of a London Call-Girl by Belle De Jour ever aired in Australia, but just to let you know that Belle's real name was told to be Hannah in the TV version.
Oh, so the end of the story wasn't real? Interesting - okay then, I'm reading on with great interest. I don't think I've seen a Scooby-Doo ending done before. Certainly not on FP, so here goes!
"Though for her, it was heaven." A very dubious heaven though, I'll guess from her fear.
That said, the murderer seems genuinely keen to be welcoming. At least at first.
"You're just a kid." For real? I thought of Hannah as a woman of about thirty for some reason.
So. Workhouse. 50p for a jolly. Pitcher for washing. This isn't in modern times, is it?
"His voice was low, and she couldn't decide if it was soft or growly." Funny enough, I can hear in my mind's ear how that might be.
Tell you what, this punter's a strange one. He seems quite honourable in what he's doing... but he actually committed the murder, didn't he?
Hmm. Interesting way of presenting a cliffhanger. Is she in danger or not, and even if she isn't, what's this strange benefactor doing to/for her, and why? I look forward to reading more of this!
Oh, and in response to your A/N, the weird seems fine. Like I said, it feels a bit Scooby-Doo Ending.
- From We Return Reviews.
| eiyuang999 chapter 1 . 5/23/2010
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| Punslinger chapter 5 . 5/20/2010
Your storytelling instincts grow sharper with each chapter. But I think you could have mentioned Victoria Pike sooner, to prepare readers for a major player in the plot. And Hannah's grudge against Judge Pike would be more than a "thorn in her side"-more like a burning obsession for revenge. She needs more motivation than her feelings for Ellik to attempt a kidnapping that could send her to the gallows.
| Punslinger chapter 4 . 5/20/2010
A good chapter, with a tantalizing clifhanger ending.
| Punslinger chapter 3 . 5/20/2010
Good dialogue. You have developed the characters enough to get readers emotionally involved with them-that's the most important thing in fiction. But I can't quite accept their bond of instant mutual trust. It seems to me that they both would be wary and suspicious-he that she still might inform on him, and she that he might decide it was safer not to leave a living witness.