I really liked Charles personality somehow. I found him really grumpy, and he seemed pretty realistic. When he was angry or irritated, I kinda laughed at his comments. :D

All in all, it was a very fascinating story, but I think it could've been better if it was separated into chapters, instead of rushing it all into one. But nonetheless, I really liked your story.

The part that scared me the most was when Charles met the creepy girl who started singing. The way you described her appearance just sent chills down my body. Her song was creepy too.

Good job, I would like to read more stories from you. :)

Hey, there. :) I was really excited when I saw that you liked to write horror/thriller stories! They're my favorite things to read, but I can't write them very well. More of a fantasy/romance person myself. :P

I really liked how you introduced something as simple as a door changing color that made Charles want to investigate it. It was almost as if he went a little crazy about it. :P

I also liked how you described the different doors, and the things inside them. It was very well done, and it creeped me out. :P

I am a bit confused about the boy wearing black sitting outside the house. Is he Charles, and is he also sort of like the memory of everyone that went inside the house? Sort of like a ghost?

That was the only thing that bugged me cuz I couldn't figure it out. :P

Also, make sure that you put commas before a conjunction if the second half of the sentence is complete (has a subject and a verb.) Just trying to be helpful. :P

Great job on this! It's a cool oneshot, that I think you could change into a full story, if you wanted. :)

~Avid, via Roadhouse. Repaying review. 1/1. :D

Hey,

This was a really good one shot, though it may have made more of an impact if you'd separated them into two or three parts.

Also, your tense switches backwards and forwards constantly. So one second you're saying 'Charles is' and the next 'Charles was'. Going through the chapter should clear it up.

Content wise... that was pretty scary. It was the way it was written that delivered the maximum impact. Scary stuff, and I'm going to be thinking about that for a while now...

A great one shot, keep writing! :)

ranDUMM

wow

that pretty much sums this one up for me. The story line is epic and the fact that its short means it doesnt lose any of the tension along the way. i have a few pointers though that you may or may not want to follow:)

at the start of your story there seem to be a few confusions as to the tense of the story at first Charles is "stood in the frigid snow" but then he "huffs out breath" one is past and one is present i think you should stick to one or the other to avoid confusion with the reader.

"wake up and damn" should be "wake up a damn"

"cursing the cold, the buss driver" should be "cursing the cold, the bus driver"

you spell Jesse two different ways I would pick one or the other

other than hat i think everything is good and i really like the story line and the way you write.

the short sharp sentences mean that your story keeps the reader on edge and firmly holds them in place as we want to know what is going to happen next :)

Geez, you're going to give me some jacked up nightmares.

That was creepy.. but I loved it. Great story, great concept. It was paced well and I'm glad I didn't read this at night. I feel sorry for those who do. )

-Dixxy

These are fantastically fun short horror pieces. I love it and can't wait to read the next one.

I'm at work reading this one and my department was kind of shoved into a oversize closet because our company is getting bigger. Anywho, I'm sitting here in my cube in the closet and there is maintenance being done on the other side of the door and the workers are making this awful screeching noise. It only added to the horror element and made this so much more fun to read. Perhaps I will try reading the next one at home alone!

snappy dialogue, sharp tone and precise imagery.

brilliant.

can't think of any const. crit, but maybe making additional chapters would go down well with me :))

Love how you wrote it, the short sentences really builds and makes the story addictive.

I'm into my horror and I really enjoy it when the author knows how to get you reading faster in time with the pace of the story.

I should not have read that, I'm going to sleep in like 10 minutes. I'm such a retard. Good work, though.

-Lily

Wow, this is a really creepy story. I really like the way you led into Charles entering the house. The whole idea of entering without hope of exit raised the hairs on the back of my neck. Well done.

Oh wow. This is pretty creepy. You know what they say about curiosity killing the cat. Great example . . . this was really well-written though!

Cassandra

Okay, that was seriously creepy. I'm not a huge fan of horror, especially horror movies, but this was fascinating. I like how you stuck to Charles' bus trips in the mornings as we get to know him a bit. I feel sorry for Jesse though, and I'd like to see more of him, just because Charles couldn't stand him.

Then there was the door, and the house, and the doors, and the things inside. When Charles ran into the basement I kind of had to shudder a little. BAD IDEA. Any stairs are always to be avoided! Being trapped underground won't help any.

The bodies melted to the wall? Was seriously creepy and I didn't expect that. And then King shows up, strolls into the house all unconcerned, and finds Charles melted into the wall himself.

What happened next? Did the house eat him too?

Venus Fly Trap. Lure them in with something sparkly. And if you don't have anything sparkly handy, then how about something unorthodoxly purple (I loved that, by the way).

I will be reading the next part now. Maybe then I'll find out about the boy dressed tastefully in black, who glared daggers at the hungry house.

That was scary! Very scary, like a really bad nightmare! It's really good:o)

wooah this story is scary but really good. Woah i got kinda freaked out lolL i like it...i would never go into that house alone...i got scraed just reading it lool. its a awesome story though