|Reviews for Carpeted Walls|
| mousegirl05 chapter 1 . 9/1/2010
Hm.m.m.m. Over all, I enjoyed the piece. It's not my typical fare, so I don't feel like I can comment on it appropriately, but I will try!
I felt the writing itself was clear and flowed nicely. His apathetic despondency came through quite well. The imagery you use and the descriptions that get us there are lovely. I especially liked the bit about the paint staining his pants and the blood staining hers.
I must admit I was confused a little as to small, italicized section separated by the '~*~'s as the follow-up paragraph. For a moment, I thought that he'd started to die and then 'pulled-through'. *shrugs* Was there are reason you separated the 'oblivion' section from the rest of the work that way? The last line confused me a little as well. Was she forgive him for being unable to save her? for killing himself? If either (or both) of these are the case, a few lines could make it clear (a bit of guilt/self-condemnation for failing her, self-loathing for his weakness, etc). *shrugs* Just a thought.
I do hope you don't desire to throw anything at me, because overall, I thought it was beautiful. *laughs* As beautiful as something as sad as this can be. Cheers!
| improvisationallychallenged chapter 1 . 2/15/2010
From the RG:
Okay, you asked for concrit, which is what you're going to get _
I did note that this was for a school project, so I'm going to take that into account.
Writing: The visuals are there, but I found the emotion a bit flat. While it's technically sound, the sentences seemed very short, and it would be interesting to see how it would read if you added depth to your descriptions. For example, when you explain that red was Alice's favourite colour because it brought out her hair and eyes, that's your chance to go that step further as well as describing the character physically. Did it make her hair stand out? Its colour seem more vivid and/or rich? Little details like that can help the reader visualize and connect with the characters.
Also, on a grammatical view, I think it should be 'In hindsight' rather than 'On hindsight', but I could be wrong.
Opening: Starts are always hard, and this one lacks a hook. It seems very wooden, and not particularly interesting. It picks up when you mention the smell of freshly dried paint and cedar, and creates a real sense of place. I'd suggest weaving the action and description in together, rather than separating them into sentences, and see if you can create a smoother flow.
Scene: I usually find it quite hard to take angst seriously, but this retained a certain sense of emotional numbness and detachment that seemed to fit the scenario pretty well, and made it more believable. You also captured the hollow eerieness of the house caused by the tragedy, but again, it would be nice if you could try weaving relatable descriptions into one another, rather than sticking to short, separate sentences.
Ending: It was sweet, in a somewhat twisted and depressing way, but really not my cup of tea (I'm something of a cynic _) My honest opinion is that it would be more effective if your pov character contemplated the suicide, rather than going through with it. It would give you something meatier and more complex to deal with as an ending. As it is, it's a little predictable.
While this is heavy on the concrit, I did think there was some good potential here.
...and while I've been writing this, you've already been reviewed by two other people _
Ah well - have this anyway. On the house _
| qczhao chapter 1 . 2/15/2010
hello, from RG here.
Generally, very good. However, I think some specific parts could be improvement by further careful consideration of the language used. For ex:
The repetition of "I walked", seemed to jump out at me in the first few sentences, I know they're a few sentences apart but the fact that i noticed shows perhaps you should consider an alternative.
Also, the cold "radiating" seemed an odd description, usually we used radiating combined with heat, but if that odd dichotomy is what you were going for, then fine.
The standout part of this scene was definately the emotion portrayed in it, through the use of good description and characterisation we can feel the angst, and the narrator's pain.
"The vivacity ebbed from her eyes" love this line.
Just right, you moved through the story in the same contemplative, slow paced way that the author moves through the house. When i say slow paced I don't mean it negatively, it's the perfect pace for this piece.
Good emotional pay off at the ending, its obviously nice to see people find their peace. But it wouldn't have worked if you hadn't built the angst up so well throughout the piece.
The idea is quite cliche, but obviously with ideas like this it's all about the execution, and I think you pull it off quite well. I think you could perhaps improve in the language area of things, some of the sentence construction could have been done differently to flow better, it's hard to pinpoint specifics but that was the general feeling I got as i was reading. ANyway, good job!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 2/15/2010
Other (Description) - Since this was a description-oriented piece, I thought it smart to comment on it. I loved how you related images from the house to flashback-like descriptions. The one about the sunlight was especially cool. Also, I liked how the descriptions changed moods with the story.
Writing - Your writing is clear and direct, and therefore easy to follow. One thing I might suggest is combing a few of your sentences. A lot of them (specifically in the first few paragraphs, I noticed) are of pretty much the same length. Introducing variety creates interest. I usually recommend starting with a shorter sentence as a hook, and then going into longer ones. Other than that, though, it's crystal clear.
Plot - Oh, nice twist! Reading the chapter summary, I admit I could see implications of suicide, but it didn't cross my mind until halfway through the story. The ending was very sweet, and you did a good job building up to it.
Technique - I liked how you used a roundabout approach to things. For one, the narrator finding the can of paint his wife died looking for. Irony makes things more fun. Also, the bit with the nail, how you used haunting descriptions when referring to it, and how you commented on his foot being heeled really added dimension to the story.
| ainedamdz chapter 1 . 1/30/2010
Hello, first of all, thanks so much for the kind review! :)
I liked this one shot, although the truth is I was expecting something unusual because it was categorized as 'fantasy'.
Good job on the foreshadowing! As I read it, I was thinking, "oh, this guy's gonna commit suicide by drinking paint thinner, i just know it," but you pulled a twist in the last part that I didn't really expect.
Hm, the only points I can see that would need improvement - maybe, its your choice of some words. Like, for example, - "Coldly, I walked down the creaking stairs that went into the basement." It's true that you narrated that he felt very cold inside the house, but I don't see why you used the adjective "coldly". "Coldly" implies "without much emotion", which contradicts the last sentence in your second paragraph "Emotion bled from my being". You could have put "shivering", or "gingerly" instead to better relay the character's actions.
Haha, I'm dragging on here. Anyway, good job! Keep it up, and thanks again for the review. :D
| ranDUMM chapter 1 . 1/27/2010
This is was really gorgeous! It was very sad, I empathised with the protagonist perfectly, which is a reflection of your talent as a writer. It was very deep and moving, and the description was neither boring nor too long; it was proportioned perfectly, and I loved it :) Great, great work!
| Katy Lynn chapter 1 . 1/27/2010
I rather enjoyed reading this piece.
The opening was rather simple, but it piqued my interest immediately and made me want to read more. Where did this door lead to? I wondered. It was a nice way of catching the reader's attention. Not over-bearing or explosive in anyway, but intruiging all the same. I also like how the opening instantly delves right into the story.
I love your style of writing; it's very refreshing. It's not what one would call simple, but it's easy to read. There's not an overly excessive amount of detail, and you didn't leave out too much detail either. I feel that you found like a perfect balance, as far as that goes. Your writing also flows very well... none of it sounds forced whatsoever. There's just something about the way in which you weave your words together that I like very much. I also liked the way that you described things... like when you were describing the appearance and decor of the house, I could envision it in my head very clearly, making me feel even more like I was in the story.
As far as the feelings and emotions in this piece, I think you portrayed them quite well. I think that you pretty much nailed the husband's grief over his deceased wife. It seemed very realistic to me, and as I was reading I felt sympathy for your character. And stories where you feel for and empathize with the characters are the best ones, in my opinion. I also think you did a very good job on his feelings of apathy about his death. How he didn't care that he was going to die, since his wife wasn't there anymore. I thought that it was very authentic, and you didn't do it in a way that was like 'OHMYGOSH MY WIFE IS DEAD AND NOW I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" To me it seemed more like a "if she's not here, then why should I be?" sort of thing, and I think you handled it rather well.
The ending was unexpected, but that's what I liked about it. The whole ending scene was just great, in my opinion. There was a certain something that I really liked about it. I think it was just the strangeness (for lack of a better word), the... twist of it all. And then I love the last line, how it sort of leaves the story lingering, how it makes you think a bit.
You did a great job on this, for sure.
I loved reading it. :)
| aneko24 chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
Ok I'm thoroughly creeped out now O.o
/How/ exactly did you see that picture and go "Oh, well, obviously this picture is from the perspective of a man who is going to commit suicide to be with his late fiancée for all eternity!"
My foot hurts now. No really. It does. o.o You scarred it for life. With words.
/That/ little bit was quite possibly the most disturbing... o.o
And the whole thing where he comes back to life...? O.O (Key the fantasy label, I'm sure, but still...) Does that make the door like, the door to heaven or something?
Or is he still dead and his spirit going through the door or something like that...? O.o
Ok, I'm not sure whether I'm confusing myself or not now. -.-'
Anyway, good job! Very well written. And creepy as all heck. So... yeah... Not gonna ask how you came up with it...