|Reviews for The Other World: Secret War|
| UNoUCanDoBetter chapter 6 . 2/12/2011
My first impression of this story is that there are lots of run-ons. You also have a few typos and random commas-and the like-but mostly you have a sentence in nearly every non-dialgoue paragraph in need of a semicolon, a period, or the FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). Remember, commas are too weak to hold two complete thoughts together. You also have some other comma issues; names, answers like yes/no/sure, and other interjections should be separated with commas on both sides. A few places, such as "oval-shaped," leave a few compound words unhyphenated; generally when words of two different parts of speech are used together as one part they should be hyphenated.
Other than that, you're pretty much good to go grammar-wise. You make your characters pop, show us how they work together. You bring the story along at a good pace, although there are some sentence flow and comprehesion issues such as during the testing fight scene and when you explain how Sophia hase sen the movie before-you might want to mention which Mythicals it's about. Your backstory is presented reasonably well, and it's absolutely amazing how you've shown us the relationship between Fastclaw and Sophia. You make it look so easy and fun I want to try some mind-meld stuff myself-although I bet it isn't!
| Mar-mar S chapter 33 . 12/14/2010
Wow, you really should see about having this published, seriously. It is SO good, and despite the grammar issues here and there, it's REALLY well-written.
| StoryGirl19 chapter 33 . 11/19/2010
Oh my gosh1 I can't believe the story is over. It is soo good. I have a couple questions: Sophia does come back right? and What does it been by succeeding the Firsts? Like does it mean they get their powers or like what?
| StoryGirl19 chapter 29 . 11/3/2010
Well, I really like this story. When I first started it and read about the vampire and werewolf, I'm like Oh no another Twilight type thing but as I kept reading I realized it wasn't. It is a well written story and very interesting. The way you have written it kinda makes it seem like your there. The only thing I would suggest is going over it and fixing spelling/ grammar errors. Other than that good story and hope the next chapter is published soon.
| Mar-mar S chapter 25 . 9/27/2010
This chapter realy confuses me, is there another chapter missing in the middle, maybe, because just about none of this makes sense...
Sorry! I really do love this story, though.
| Mar-mar S chapter 6 . 7/24/2010
You start using the aliases before Sophia reads the envelope and learns that she's supposed to use then, and in later chapters you totally abandon Raina's alias. I like how you show her distrust of vampires and werewolves. Again, there are slight grammar issues, and there's the calling Archie Chris too early, but it's a really good story.
| Mar-mar S chapter 5 . 7/24/2010
I like how Sophia uses writing to organize her thoughts, and I think it's really interesting how Fastclaw is in her mind but still her own person; I think it's cool that one can be asleep while the other is awake. And I think you emphasize her phobias really well. This story is truly a work of art and aside from minor grammar mistakes, I have yet to find a real flaw in it.
| Mar-mar S chapter 4 . 7/24/2010
I think it's strange how you slip into third person during the mind meld, but it doesn't really take away from the quality of the story. I think I would have changed to a plural (Raina watched Drew get hit before leaping for us) rather than third person (Raina watched Drew get hit before leaping for Sofia), but I think if you were to publish this as an actual book (which I highly encourage you do) a professional critic would say that its the strangeness that makes it unique. It's an excellent story, really.
| Mar-mar S chapter 3 . 7/24/2010
This was another great chapter. You have wonderful attention to detail, but while you get the detail out, you don't make it all too crowded. You got out the scars on the teachers face, but you didn't cram her whole appearance into one sentence, like I've seen so many do.
| Mar-mar S chapter 2 . 7/24/2010
If people honestly can't get past this chapter, I'm shocked. I didn't find this chapter boring, and the confusion was minimal. And by minimal I mean nonexistant. If something gets too boring for me I zone out and while my eyes keep on reading, not a word registers. That never happened once during this chapter. Again, aside from some grammar issues, it's really, really good.
| Mar-mar S chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
The first time I read this chapter I was hooked. It was well written, and I espescially liked the part at the beginning: And it starts with a nightmare. Trust me, it's really good, aside from some grammar mistakes.
| Daneeno chapter 14 . 7/10/2010
I love it you MUST update!
| littlekittyxiaomao chapter 1 . 5/27/2010
Viviansaul here, following Star's instructions.
Writing this as I read so I don't forget anything...
Pretty good introduction, though a bit melodramatic and cliched. There are a few subtle grammatical things in the first chapter, but they aren't too noticeable: I'm just a grammar nut.
What is bugging me seriously, though, is that you're not too clear about your dialogue. I can't really tell who's talking. If I go back and work through it, I can figure it out without too much trouble, but that's the kind of thing that you never really want to be iffy about. Another thing is that you're jumping around a lot in this first chapter: your protagonist (don't know her name yet; I do like that) is suddenly at a store after just being at home watching a movie and it isn't very clear how she got there. I just did a double take reading that because it was like she and her friend and the junky car teleported. The little details aren't always crucial, but something like that is. You're getting into the meat of the story there; if anything, I would cut back on the fluffy movie stuff earlier, not the juicy stuff surrounding the conflict.
My personal opinion is that you should cut back on what Sofia's (haha, a name) potential powers are. I'm seeing a definite Sue-ish-ness about her, mostly because the traits she's given aren't well defined. The premonition like things she had before were kind of... troubling because they're the kind of thing that could be explained by, say, nervousness or a slight paranoia. Maybe she was just looking over her shoulder all the time, and that's why she was particularly ready for trouble that night. Right now she looks like a psychic, and that's not a very believable trait unless it is a definite part of the character and that's what the character is - I see dead people and all that. And the thing with Fastclaw (Don't know if you explain this later, but I'm only doing the first chapter). Does she bond with the spirit because she's special, or could it happen to anyone who's a shapeshifter? I think it would be a little more believable if it were a coincidence, but it's not really sounding that way. Oh well, I'm just a little particular.
One more thing: I do like how you're throwing in references to things, showing that Sophia is an avid reader/movie goer, but I'm not really sure that vampires and werewolves and such would be reading vampire/such-like novels. I'd think that they would prefer high school romance or something. Just my two cents on that matter.
Okay, last one, I swear. I think that you should probably break this up into a few chapters, just because it was really, really long. I consider my reading stamina to be pretty good, but I had trouble getting through this first chapter just because of the sheer volume of writing. I'd recomend that maybe make the whole flashback one chapter, and then her waking up and going about her business as usual another, and then the meeting Archie another one. I find it's better to have a whole lot of short chapters than just a few really, really long ones.
Over all, it's not bad, and I think I might read the rest, so long as you don't have any more lengthy flashbacks; that one hurt my eyes.
| foreverstartstonight chapter 4 . 4/25/2010
So, I definitely like this. It's interesting and I see this going in a good direction. You're very descriptive in your writing and I love that. I'm definitely Alerting. Looking forward to an update.