Reviews for Il Duce
A.Funeral.For.Edgar chapter 1 . 5/29/2010
Haha loved it! Usually, I think putting words in bold is cheesy, but it really added to this one. Nicely done.
Charactarantula chapter 1 . 4/1/2010
You have my respect. I quite enjoyed it... Loved the formating, the bolding... the centering of certain lines. Used correctly, it can add so much to a piece. Used incorrectly, fuck. It is distracting as hell. I sometimes go too crazy with it myself, but it's pretty balanced her. Approved in that regard.

Perfectly twisted and creepy. Pacing was great, kept my interested, and I had a feeling after the first couple lines that there was more to it than just person watching crazy person be crazy. Something didn't sit well, and I knew there was going to be a twist- but, hell, that just made it all the better.

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You've got 'it.' Whatever 'it' is that some author's just have and other's fight and fight to get, but never find.

Seriously.

You've got it.

-jake
lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/10/2010
Well pretty much right off the bat I really doubt I'm going to find anything to criticize in this piece. Translates to: wonderful opening. Really caught my attention and normally I'm not a big fan of using boldface font but you and Jake really know how to use it well enough to change my mind every time, haha.

I've fallen in love with the sarcastic voice by "no one notices" so you've got me won there too. I'm favoriting this and I haven't even finished it yet, haha.

Love how you segway into a kind of poetry-prose just by the way you format this on FP. The power of the narrative voice is perfect.

As far as the premise, I like where you're going with this idea of the invisible danger. The theme is dark and somewhat scary, but I think it speaks a lot for a bigger idea of the scary stories you hear about public indifference to violence. I also love how your voice changes into an idea of cowardice, of not having guts to shoot. That narration change, and the way they push the guy with the gun is unique and brilliant.

Great narration shift. I like how you did that though, very smooth, I wasn't bothered or taken aback by it at all!

What self-respecting guy wears fucking plaid?

-...my boyfriend...XDXD

I like the sort of confusion between sort of who's narrating, who's head we're in, ect. It's really cool-I'm just blown away by the way you handle the narration! This whole situation is perfect for a short story, and I love the experimentation in it too. People don't experiment with narratives as often as they should!

Well, overall: You know you wrote something brilliant, haha. Love the ending, love the imagery. Blahblahblah, XD, I found nothing wrong with it and as far as I'm concerned this was one of the best things I've encountered on FP, haha.
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 1/22/2010
I loved the voice and style of this piece. They were quirky and original, and it's always nice to read something fresh.

I also liked the format you used. The switches in POV, thoughts, narrative, etc. might've been confusing, but the italics and bold made the intention clear. It was something that jumped out and made the piece one of a kind. :)
yourKonstantine chapter 1 . 1/15/2010
Strange, and interesting...I think I shall reread this again to understand it a bit more fully. Also, trying to figure out how the title connects...Il Duce...that was Mussolini, wasn't it?

Kristen

(always yourKonstantine)
thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 1/14/2010
I think you idolize Tarentino a little bit...

On that note, I liked the first-person's train of thought. I'm trying to figure out if it was one insane guy, or two. Or perhaps more? Who's Larry?

So, I liked the train of thought, because it was new and original and captivating.

I did not like the fact that the number of people that appeared in this story is unclear. That really ruins the effect of a movie playing in my head that you had going here.

You could also stand to curse less when speaking from the third person. That isn't very professional. Most of the time, it did help you along, but other times it just made me say, "Come on, get a better vocabulary. There are other words in the English language here. I know you can do better."

Not a bad piece at all!
C-Mack15 chapter 1 . 1/14/2010
Perfectly blunt for many, perfectly vulgar for some, perfectly executed for me. The suspense built up was very well done. Who cares about what the scenery looks like? Haha not for the narrator, all they see is the gun. So thank you for not going into flawless detail about what everything and every single person looked like. You have a great talent for suspense and tension!
improvisationallychallenged chapter 1 . 1/14/2010
Hey Dee - here's your EF review from the RG:

This was scary. It's frenetic, it's chaotic, and at the same time, desperately poignant. I particularly liked the rise and ebb of the drama.

Like:

"He’s got a fucking gun in his fucking hand.

...

He’s holding it. In his hand. In plain view of the

whole goddamn world. And yet,

no one notices."

It builds up the tension and suspense, and then brings it crashing down in a bitter anti-climax that switches the gun-wielder from scary and threatening to pathetic. Nicely done.

While the ending as it is is fine, with the mood you conjured up here, I'd be interested to see how it would read with a more ambiguous ending. That's the closest thing I have to offer in regards to con-crit :P

Just out of interest, have you ever heard of the British playwright Sarah Kane?

I can't help but notice you've got a similar way with words.
sophiesix chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
Lovely strong, engaging narrative voice and right-there situation. great slow build of tension to the physically and mentally chaotic climax. dramatic stuff and beautiful written. Love the formatting: very effective.

"The kind that forms the perfect “O” when your hands crush her, making her suffocate the way you have all your life." Awesome. Summed teh whole whatsit.

"“Hello? Hello? What the fuck’s going on, George?” as his finals thoughts become: Hey, did that guy have a gun? lol, love that. i can just hear that little pseudo conversation playing out, its fantastic.

"Do you understand that everyone is this building" In this building?

so at the end i wasn't quite sure if 'I' was in fact 'he', because of the whole ramming issue, how do you ram yourself so hard you fall over? i guess he could sort of do it mentally, but... yeah... not convinced.

Other than that, fantastic stuff!
Gabriel Schwrbrg chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
I think the desperation in your piece here is great because it leads to the inside of the mans mind, and gives a hint of Realism (I suppose?). It captivated me, how he is so paniced, or stressed, and it just led me to read more and more.

I also love it how you've centered certain sentances. It emphasises the idea or thought, especially at the end there, where the two women are overlapping.

This is a really unique piece as well, because it's from his mind, right before he snapped, and I haven't read somehting of that sort before. Very well done.
Isca chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
"I shot her.

I strangled her.

Tomay-toe, tomah-toe."

This was my favourite part of the piece; it's very devilish and macabre. This entire piece was like watching a crime-thriller movie. Cool. :)
drink me pretty chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
Uh, wow. I really like this, in that weird Fight Club-esque sort of way. Very obscene and somehow nonchalant. Very brutally honest. I also like that twist at the end-with the narrator revealing he is the man with the gun.

"making her suffocate the way you have all your life. Slowly, so slowly." That was my favorite line. It really hit me hard.

Great work.