|Reviews for Aeka|
| A Kiss in the Dreamhouse chapter 2 . 3/3/2010
Finally got around to reading the second chapter! Hate to leave a story hanging...
I guess the first few descriptive paragraphs were kind of necessary to set the scene, but they were a little dense for me. Perhaps you could add some of his thoughts or something to lighten it up.
Enjoyed the dialogue in the latter half! Looking forward to the rest :)
| A Kiss in the Dreamhouse chapter 1 . 3/3/2010
"The research is not yet complete, so I cannot disclose that information, Lieutenant. However, based on the data retrieved from tests done on our POWs, our scientists are optimistic that this discovery may just turn the tides in our favor." Damn.
The 'damn' seemed out of place somehow. I think this is because I had expecte Aeka's charcter to be a little different, more refined yet ruthless. The last paragraph you wrote seems to emphasize that. In fact, I really liked that last paragraph!
Im now interested in how they will infiltrate...
| Agent.Frappuccino chapter 2 . 2/26/2010
Tick-Tock, it's Review O'clock from the Zero Hour!
Hello there my friend. I am here to repay back the lovely reviews you have bestowed upon me. I WAS going to review Flowers Are Jerks, but I'm in a sci-fi mood after reading Grazia so lol- I am totally in the zone. Anyway, off to my review:
I can see that this is just a transition from the previous chapter. I thought that there was enough description for me to visualize the environment (which I LOVE- I like how characters are placed in their surroundings). However, try to avoid listing descriptions and approach it in a more paced fashion. For example, when you described the bathing area, I felt as if you kind of forced the details in there. "There's the shower, the floor, the ceiling, etc." And boy, Greg is a popular name aint it?-haha. And I didn't expect the chapter to have excessive cursing, which threw me off guard just a bit- not that it was bad or anything. I also liked that you added dialect to some of the characters you introduced- it creates a sense of multicultural environment. I know that they will be working as a unit in the future, but try not to introduce too many characters at once. So far I think you've introduced a total of four new characters. Allow the readers to get accustomed to one before you introduced the other. For example, I know there is a character named Hawk in there, but he seemed like just another extra to the mix you know what I'm saying? And you gave no description of physical appearance- I mean you did with all the other characters, but what about Greg, whom which is the main one since the beginning of the chapter?
Overall, great transition :). There were some grammar problems there, very minor, mostly concerning past and present tenses. And try to avoid using excessive dots- I don't know what they are called but the look like this "..." XD Sorry I'm a little light headed- I just woke up lol.
Great job Bage. I can't wait to see more and I can't wait to hear from you soon :)
| ShortInsanity chapter 2 . 2/16/2010
Again, great job. Hmm...first advice, change the rating to T. Only for the sake of fictionpress getting pissed off, its better to have the rating higher to be safe then lower and get into trouble for it.
Other than that, my criticisms would be its still a tad bit confusing, and readers (me) still feel kind of lost reading it. I do love your characters, however. But MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T TURN INTO AVATAR. It hasn't so far, and with a story such as this I expect it to share some basic plot elements, but just really make sure it doesn't slip into an Avatar #2.
I'm a bit curious to see who the next chapter's point of view is from, keeping in mind this is omniscient.
I do want to keep reading and learning more about these characters and what exactly is going on in this world. Aside from those minor things, great job and I will review and read whenever the new chapter comes out.
| ShortInsanity chapter 1 . 2/16/2010
So far, a very interesting story. I am glad you called this a prologue instead of a chapter, and my advice would to possibly switch writing styles a slight bit in the actual chapters. Because in prologues, it's okay to have question after question without any real explanation fired out time after time, but in chapters, that isn't okay, and just makes the story very confusing.
Your people/alien descriptions are very good so far, but you gave very little setting descriptions. I think the fact you have this from the point of view of, well, not a human, could turn out to be very cliche, or very interesting. That's up to the writer to see which one. You had a couple minor typos, but that's nothing that can't easily be fixed.
Also, make the chapters longer than the prologue, which hopefully you were planning to do anyway. I never was able to make super long chapters, but it is something that could be helpful for the story. As I don't have too much information right here, that's really all the wisdom I have to say here.
I do like the one name and personalities you've shown thus far. Aeka, it sounds...alienesque I guess. My only hope for this story is that you can see the fine line between mystery and having readers completely lost.
Good job, and I will definitely keep reading.
| GraziaArmonico chapter 2 . 2/4/2010
From Zero hour...
Fantastic work. I like the concept of the everything-proof stuff that you dare not touch lol. I also like very much the last line where you draw a parallel between the mental/emotional and the physical aspects of this scene, so that you hit two birds with one stone. Both his feelings and thoughts, and his actions and sensations are conveyed in one sentence; this makes it profound. No critisizm. I don't like to knit pick on grammer and spelling, because if you were to publish it that would be the editor's job. So I don't really pick up on that kind of stuff unless it's a major problem and I can't tell you for sure if everthing is kosher there lol.
And that's it! I await future chapters with anticipation. ;)
| GraziaArmonico chapter 1 . 1/15/2010
Hello from Zero Hour.
Excellent. Absolutely wonderful. It was colorful, intense, thought provoking... I really liked how you first described the "bulldog's" jaw and then subtly began to call him that, since Aeka wouldn't know his name. That was an interesting move. Liked seeing the scene through alien eyes, self-righteous and perhaps rightfully so. Above all I liked how you cast doubt on both parties involved. There were no heros here. No pure and noble. On one side, humanity who's going to live up to history and rush head first into a battle regardless of consequences, and on the other side, this other race who's stuck up and murderous. Very captivating. Great job.
| Agent.Frappuccino chapter 1 . 1/12/2010
Here from the Zero Hour!
I LOVE sci-fi! And when I read the inroduction I couldn't wait to click it and open it up. I thought it was an interesting concept. However, when I read the prologue, I found myself slightly confused. Was it the human's that crash landed on a distant planet, or was it the aliens? Because the summary states that "humans are outgunned and outnumbered by the NATIVES," meaning that the humans are invsasive species, correct? I just want to make sure I'm understanding it right before I make a fool out of myself XD.
Overall, I thought you did an outstanding job, it being the prologue to your story. I thought you did a good job allowing the readers to familiarize themselves with one character before you introduced the rest (Not sure if The Bulldog guy counts though lol). The thoughts that flowed through the main character seemed to be written effortlessly, and she truly is a bold creature. I'm saddened by the fact that we, the readers, didn't get a clear description about what she looks like. As for now, I picture her as a sexy blue alien. It would have been nice if you added some physical characteristics she has- is she tall? hairy? human looking? big head? what color is she? How did she manage to stick herself to the wall? Does she have abnormal, inhuman capabilities? etc. You don't have to give us the info-dump, just the gist or idea of it would have been nice if you added it to the story. I also liked how you described the humans, the inferior insects and greedy bastards they are. You gave the character spunk in the beginning, and I thought you illustrated that perfectly.
Now, for the things you can tweak- I won't spoon-feed you the details, but I wanted to get some of the minor mistakes/ grammar to attention:
"Those ignorant fools… those blubbering idiotic simpletons… in all the world Aeka had never seen such stupidity."- though I loved this description, I thought the "..." was unecessary. Say it proudly so that the character wouldn't hesitate to insult the humans. And when you say "in all the world," does that mean Aeka's species have seen different species other than human? You could have also stated "aeka had never seen such stupidity" without the world part in there. It sort of hindered it instead of amplified your meaning.
The humans, as they called themselves, were planning their attack strategy right in front of her. After all, it wasn’t like she could become invisible at will. Even with all their security measures and cautionary tactics, the bafoons still neglected to look up. There she clung to the rafters, listening to their petty strategies of war against her and her kind [instead of saying "her and her kind" just say, "her kind"].
A balding man dressed in the midnight blue colors of the United Territories stood up to address the long table at which ten other officers, including himself, were sitting in near darkness [I thought this sentence seemed a little too long. You've injected a lot of information and condensed it into something so small. There is nothing wrong with shorter sentences :). Ex: "A balding man, dressed in blue uniforms engraved with the United Terrotories symbol, stood up to address 10 soldiers sitting around the table" or something like that.
There were also parts where I thought spacing was required to distinguish the human language from her personal thoughts. Ex: "...discovery may just turn the tides in our favor.” Damn. - try to put spacing on Damn and make it a sentence standing on its own.
Also, there are a few grammatical errors that a simple rearead would fix. They are very minor, but I just wanted to let you know.
Overall, fascinating concept and great job! I will visit your story regularly. Post on the Zero Hour if you have any new chapters up okay my friend? Welcome to the forum!
| Koki Enwai chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
Hey, this looks interesting. I like it a lot so far; especially how you've balanced the showing and telling. Really nice. I'm looking forward to reading more.