|Reviews for Whisper a Wish, My Hawk|
| HeroofEnelios chapter 1 . 1/16/2011
You know what? I like this. For It's originality, the characters, and this start. Especially how things are described, very good. That said this is a very good story and I will be waiting to read more!
| Ioga chapter 1 . 11/17/2010
Second review of the day!
I like the hawk-rider idea, the bonding has a very Avatar-ish feel to it if you've seen the movie. :)
What I'd most like to draw attention in this story is that the world is really different from ours. It has many rules that the reader needs to learn, like that people can just cast bolts of energy or that there's multiple classes of hawk-managing people and that the hawks aren't hawk-size but more like gryphons. A lot of planning has gone into this setup.
But the stranger the world, the more a reader like me will need their hand held, because they don't know the rules of nature in the new world. New rules are best to introduce in calm situations or in background stories rather than in action scenes where explaining them would break the mood - like as we run into combat or start harnessing a hawk and climb on it. Sometimes the story is moving so quickly that it's hard to follow all the new concepts introduced.
I also get confused when characters move between places and the new places aren't described, but information about them is used later as if it were known - like when Amanda moved to the common room, and a couple of paragraphs later sat on "one of the worn couches". I had just gotten over trying to figure out what you meant by 'bunks' that doubled the bed count, and omg, suddenly there were couches! X-)
It's probably possible to even make specific exercises on this, focusing particularly on how you introduce new characters, locations and specialities of the world. Some of these things may also become apparent from reading the text a month or few after writing it, so it's good to come back to old stories and look at them from a different perspective. :)
As a minor nitpick, the story-telling episode should probably be split into separate paragraphs. It was quite heavy to read as a single clumped quote from the girl.
All in all, I think you've got promise in your writing, and working on some rough edges of narration over time is a lot easier than trying to grow an imagination as you get older. ;) Thanks for this!