Reviews for miss brightest star
letsdotheraindance chapter 1 . 6/17/2011
The words flowed really well. The casual tone of the narrator also made it sound more natural. The simplicity of the words used in the poem made it seem more spontaneous and more sincere. Not a lot of visual descriptions were used in the poem aside from the "miss brightest star" but the poem still managed to give a strong sense of imagery, a feeling of being lost in the very dark space. It highlighted the helplessness of the speaker. How he could not even actually talk to the girl. His desperation was very apparent. The raw emotions felt by the narrator was efficiently translated into the poem. I really enjoyed reading this piece. Plus, the summary was quite fetching. It showed the overwhelming difference and the distance between the narrator and his object of affection.

Thank you for the good read! :)
wammyboys chapter 1 . 4/7/2011
I love the tone of this piece. It's so light and fun, I smiled the entire way through.

Another thing I really like is his how human he sounds. It's like from the mind of a confused but infatuated teenage mind. It's kinda saddening though; he sounds like a wounded puppy.

I really liked it! It was so bittersweet and somewhat relative.
NearlyPrescient chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
I really like the way you captured the hopeful and yearning of sort of wanting to know someone but not quite existing to them in the same way they exist to you.

particularly, I liked this stanza;

I guess I'm not

much more important than any other thing

that floats across your sky each day,

'cause every single one of them

sees you in this exact same way

almost.

I think you captured the hopeful thing right on and really nailed the star metaphor in a way that I didn't exactly see the first time that I read it.
lipleaf chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
This is a pretty interesting piece. I like the way it's written as a one-sided conversation. It helps the reader feel the narrator's desperation- the emotions come across very clearly. I can empathize with your character. You make the love obvious without making the entire poem too cheesy, so good job with that. Especially parts like "I've got some important things you need to say" and "I'd like to get to know me better, wouldn't you?" It's like the speaker sees the two of them as one and by getting to know miss brightest-star he gets to know himself.

The rhyming also adds a nice touch to the piece. I typically don't like it, but it creates a certain mood here. I feel like it gives your character some personality. He's not just another generic star-crossed lover.
deefective chapter 1 . 1/25/2010
Lovely. I adored the sing-songy tune that seeped into this piece as I read. The subtle and abrupt rhymes helped create that tone of song, as well. I could almost hear the acoustic guitar/piano in the background. I also really liked the fact that the way you wrote this had an almost simple-like quality to it, and yet, it came across as very deep and thought provoking. All the hidden meanings between the lines just made me enjoy reading it even more. The repetition of "miss brightest-star" was effective as well. I think that's one of the things that really gave this that sing-songy vibe. Very clever. The only criticism I have is that I'm not a fan of all the elipses. I found it made the piece look almost messy in a way and there wasn't really a point to them. A comma or full stop would've worked just fine. But other than that, nicely done.
Twyla Cole chapter 1 . 1/24/2010
I love it

Form. Very nice. The little one sided, desperate conversation. Your speaker was so well characterized through it. It was sweet. He was sweet.

Your language was so simple. In a very good way. There was no need to make it wordy. Keeping it simple was almost a tatic of your character.

I was ever so slightly confused is some of the earlier stanzas that said things lie "I would like to get to know me better..." is that what you meant. there was one other instance of that. I was just a little thrown.

I like how it almost became a desperate love. even though...and this is just how im seeing it...this person just needed help, a little wish to make things a little better. but the brightest star isnt delivering. you showed this through a desperate, why wont you love me, kinda way. I love this. Very very good.
Isca chapter 2 . 1/24/2010
"So what do you think of my naked soul?" I really like this line - it's very catchy and lyrical. I also like how "vulnerable" the speaker feels (since he emphasizes that his soul is "naked").
Isca chapter 1 . 1/24/2010
"Distance is just relative." Frankly, I think such obstacles make us stronger, more worthy of love.

"I guess I do." I like this transition and the way in which the previous line ends in "too."
AzaleaMija chapter 2 . 1/23/2010
Congrats on sending this to Miss Brightest Star! I have to admit I prefer the first chapter but this one is a new perspective on the Miss and I still like it. The line, "you're gonna be the end of me" seems very Twilight Edward Cullen cliche but it's such a strong phrase, it's memorizing. "Rainy Day" is touching and sad. Especially the stanza starting with "I think I'm coming back to earth..."

I look forward to another chapter when you make it.
AzaleaMija chapter 1 . 1/23/2010
when I read this I had goose bumps every where. This is a really good piece. I especially admired the dialogue format. I can feel the narrators emotions and it's astonishing!
lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/19/2010
Love the emotion behind this, the speaker really puts forth effort to get the point across and it has almost a very stern overtone to it, even though the way that it's formatted and organized. It's clunky in some parts, just in the way that it's formatted but it also carries a conversational quality-speaking of that, I loved the bit about "conversation" being "brand new" in a kind of sarcastic way. I also liked the notion of the "miss brightest star" which sounds almost imperfect in the way it sounds, similar to how I think the speaker views "miss brightest star"-nice ending too, the parenthesis were a good choice.
Negasi chapter 1 . 1/15/2010
You know why I like this piece the most? It's because when I read it aloud, it sounded very William Shatner like. :) That is a good thing in my books, a very good thing.
loves him chapter 1 . 1/14/2010
Your work has a distinctive style and cadence to it that makes your poem seem almost like a song. Question: was this intended? Either way, it's a positive quality that makes your poem enjoyable to read. I particularly liked your phrase "get to know me better" in the seventh stanza. It helped translate the sense that the speaker's so lost that even he doesn't know who he is. This might sound morbid, but as his desperation deepened, I liked the poem more and more because it was like his walls were coming down and progressively, he became more and more real.

My only source of confusion was the lines "I've got some important things/ you need to say." Personally, I didn't understand how the speaker had what miss brightest-star needed to say...but other than that, I enjoyed your work.
bluewitness chapter 1 . 1/13/2010
I like this piece especially much. I feel a sense of growing tension as the piece moves along; more desperation, more hopeless hope. I liked the way you played with pronouns too, swapping them out at will.I think I know miss brightest-star's identity if I'm boozing from people I know of. :) keep up the good work!
drink me pretty chapter 1 . 1/13/2010
Interesting work, here. I like the casual diction used and how it makes the speaker seem more genuine, because he is expressing only his feelings for this "miss brightest-star" instead of trying to write anything truly impressive. More so, the fact that he acknowledges that his words are being heard by no one other than himself enriches the hopelessly hopeful tone. This piece is an example of a love denied at its best. Keep up the great writing.