|Reviews for Beginnings|
| Anna Cate chapter 1 . 3/16/2010
Interesting start. At the beginning a lot of the dialogue seems stiff and out of character, like the people are only saying things so the reader figures them out, not because they would actually say that in that situation. For example, the man and the woman talking about the moving statue in the very beginning, they are saying what they're doing there, but wouldn't they already know? The same thing with her mother saying "they are your triplets." I don't know anyone who says that to their kids, it just sounds awkward.
| MidnightLights3-7-12 chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
very good story :) you used many many great details tthat made it very eassy for me to picture the whole story in my head :) great imagery. i can't wait to read more :)
| Death Dispenser chapter 1 . 2/7/2010
Hmm, I'm intrigued. It's a very promising start. The first few sentences in particular did what they were supposed to, which is hook the reader. I'm looking forward to what comes next. Keep up the good work!
| Anise Cary chapter 1 . 2/7/2010
The first sentence definitely caught my attention. Right away I want to read more to find out why they are orphans. I really like that you keep the description to a minimum in the first part, it had me even more intrigued as to what the creature is that's being captured and why it's being taken back in, is it dangerous?
This line is a bit awkward: They know better not to touch my stuff
it would work better if it said: They know better than to touch my stuff but they'll still do it so...
I'm finding it a hard to believe that the parents wouldn't investigate the stones more before doing something with them. I would think they'd check the garden and have them looked at by an expert. Also I'm pretty sure it would take more than a day to professionally set the stones into pendants for necklaces.
Interesting concept, I'll be interested to see where this goes, will the girls be the only ones to survive because they have the stones?
| Chesterfield chapter 1 . 1/20/2010
OK, I think you're very successful as far as story telling is concerned, but the technical behind-the-scenes stuff needs some work. In particular, the dialogue format is mostly right, but needs a little tweaking. Instead of writing,
"Okay." said Zach.
It should be:
"Okay," said Zach.
Also, I think there might be an overzealous use of exclaimation points. Watch out for starting every sentence with "I ran" or "I shoved" or "I entered". Visually, it gets tiresome for a reader.
Your story seems very interesting. I hope you plan on continuing it because your characters could provide very interesting interactions and expositions. Great job!
| Broken-Catastrophe chapter 1 . 1/19/2010
I really liked this. It's mysterious and confusing, and makes me curious and want more. It's well-written and I like the detail. I can't wait for the next chapter ]
| sealednectar chapter 1 . 1/19/2010
Well, it seems interesting so far. A quite suspenseful beginning. The only things I can pick up on grammar-wise is
'“We can’t risk him harming us either.” A man’s gentle voice...'- there should be a comma before closing the speech marks in cases like these.
| Sputnik chapter 1 . 1/19/2010
This is a good start to a story. You’ve given intriguing hints to what is going on “Every time we attack its merely fractured” I particularly like. If I have one complaint – and its one I seem to make a great deal – is that other dialogue seems a bit stagey. These characters are struggling with some active creature but still have time to explain a good chunk of information to each other and as a result the sense that they are exerting themselves to capture this creature is lost.
Having said all that, the premise is interesting enough to pull the reader onwards, so I hope you keep this up.
PS I found this story on the gossip forum
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 1/16/2010
Good opening. Tells us something about the main character(s) and the conflict they face. Has a decent question to draw us into the story.
"A fierce woman’s voice called out." Lose the 'fierce' - that describes the woman, and we haven't met her yet. If she's fierce, let her show it to us. Don't tell us.
Yes, it's that sneaky "show, don't tell" rule again...
"A man’s gentle voice pointed out. “He has more power than any of us.”" The words don't suit the situation. 'Gentle' here has the same problem as 'fierce' above - if this is trying to describe the man, don't. If the voice is gentle, then it's still the wrong word because everyone is excited, on edge and a little scared. 'Soft' or 'quiet' might work.
When people are on a hunt, they don't use the word 'gentle.' When someone witnesses the downing of a prey, s/he doesn't use that word either, unless someone is extraordinarily gentle, and usually in action.
Also, when people are on a hunt, they generally use contractions. They're out of breath, and they're full of adrenalin. "He's got more power any any of us."
"The boss wants him returned to the Research and Development facility in Japan." Same thing.
- Excited people don't say 'returned.' They save a syllable and say 'back.'
- People don't say 'research and development' in common parlance with work peers. It's "R&D." Here, they're working together, so they know it's going back to R&D.
- And if there's only one, there's no point in saying "in Japan."
Basically, if this was a movie, this is the fierce woman stopping the the middle of the action sequence looking directly at the camera and saying, "We plan to take him back to some lab in Japan so we can experiment on him further."
This is tell. What should be said? "I don't care. The boss wants him back. I don't want to disappoint him. Do you?"
How to show that it's going back to the R&D lab in Japan? Don't. Leave it a mystery. It's more omnious this way. So often, the kidnappe in a story asks, "Where am I? Who are you? Where are you taking me?" These are questions the reader will naturally ask, and if you leave them unanswered, they'll be more likely to read the next chapter.
So what about the lab? Well, when it's time to move the action to the R&D Lab in Japan, we'll know it's Japan. And when we're in Japan, we'll see that it's an R&D lab.
"“Our people have been chasing this thing for years. Every time we attack it it’s merely fractured. We’re too busy chasing it to notice.” The man persisted. “The pieces become wanted for the power they possess but we never find them in time.”"
This is this is an info-dump. Remember how the _Star Wars_ films start, with that "this is what has happened so far" words scrolling off to the distance? That's an info-dump.
If the information is essential to this scene, drop it in. If it's essential to the very next scene, drop it in. If it's essential to some scene after that, think very hard before dropping it in. You have at least one more scene to drop it in.
Lose the "persisted." The fact that he's still giving her lip shows his persistence. Show him doing something. Pulling the net tight. Fingering his holster. Picking his nose. No, maybe not that. But don't try to describe what's already evident. In general, don't describe how he says something, aside from volume. Describe what he does. Between that, and the words, we should get an idea of how he's saying it.
"I'll get paid more if he's in good condition."
- 'Good condition.' Too clumsy. "In one piece." More everyday speech.
- 'I'll get paid more.' Bad motivation. The rent-a-thugs don't care how much the woman is paid. They care how much they get paid.
"I'll give you a bonus if he's in one piece."
I'm going to treat this as a whole chapter. If you didn't mean for me to read it like that, better to rethink posting it in the first place. People here are used to reading/reviewing whole pieces, be they one-shots or chapters.
Anyhow, this conclusion is decent. They leave, and leave behind a bunch of questions. It is a natural stopping point.
Overall, the piece is a good start. Witnessing the unsporting hunt is a tested way to open a story. It gives us sympathy for the prey - the reader always root for the underdog, especially when the pursuers are mercs.
It moves well, and has no spelling or grammar errors that I can see. Character voice is poor, as noted above.
It's definitely worth continuing.
| lipleaf chapter 1 . 1/16/2010
I think this is decent start to your story. It seems interesting, and should people's attention. However, as with many stories, things feel too rushed. You should slow down a bit- add more details, more narration in the beginning, more emotion, perhaps more dialogue.
Not bad, though, considering how new you are here. You're off to a good start. )
| PhoenixRising777 chapter 1 . 1/16/2010
oh, I like! Did I ever tell you that the first few paragraphs are one of my favorite beginnings?
I've never heard you say anything about a stone statue, though...but I like the idea, so please update! Pretty please?