|Reviews for LAW: Lust and War|
| ScarletRubie chapter 1 . 2/4/2010
I appreciate that you reviewed my story, i really do but this genre is really hard for me to read. To me this chapter was lengthy and it didn't capture me and that is more of an issue with me. It's hard for me to offer suggestions because I'm not sure what to look for. The grammar was fine. It feels like you're thrust into the story and it's hard to follow but again I'm not sure how this type of style is supposed to be written. I've never touched Manga and I'm sorry that i can't offer any better suggestions.
| GraziaArmonico chapter 1 . 1/29/2010
Here from Zero Hour.
Okay good plot. Excellant plot. You don't need to tell your readers that it's an excellant plot though, they will ascertain that for themselves... A few sentances caught my attention that way - "Only fifteen minutes ago, Denji was thinking about the weather, and now he had just watched a man disincorporate his body and get sucked into color-changing torches, rambling about dramas and chaos." "So much had happened to him in the past half-hour, things that most people would call impossible and crazy."
These things the reader already knows, and I think it interrupts the flow to draw attention to things that have already been addressed. If you're concluding a chapter a recap of this nature might be made to work, but generally such things should be avoided, especially in the middle of a scene.
Ok now to my favorite thing to address, and people are going to get tired of hearing me say this, lol - Character Development! Your character has good potential, but you need to make him a little more original... Firstly, give him a character flaw. A bad habit, a bad temper, a disrespectful attitude, a dirty mind... I don't care so long as he has something within himself to battle. You have to balance that really amazing good side with something or he's not believable. Make him seem normal. I know he's not normal, but your reader is, and they will have trouble relating to someone who isn't human. Deep down, he should have all the same struggles and emotions and such. I know he has had some kind of bad history... made a few mistakes in his past... but in the work you don't allow that to actually affect the character, it just becomes a curious piece of trivia. To let it affect the character, perhaps you could describe the terrible emotional pain it gives him when the peacemaker brings up the subject. And there are other ways you could allow this painful past to affect him. Don't let him get too positive or noble. If he is truely searching for redemption, he will think of himself as a bad person in the back of his mind, and will battle moral insecurities. He won't draw attention to himself - just lurk in the corner, come out to save the day and disappear before you can thank him. He will look at the world with eyes tired from the weight of his memories, grim with the experience his active, crime-fighting life has given him. Perhaps this isn't the person you want him to be, and if not then perhaps this isn't the flaw that he ought to have. One thing that might help... make him less eloquent. Not that talking is a bad thing, but he seems to be narrarating his own life in a rather self-righteous way, as though he's making a speech or something, and that makes it difficult to see through his eyes. At the very least it's cliche.
That said, I think you have a natural handle of the pen. Your ability needs much development, but you are good with plots, and I think with time and effort you could become very proficient at this. Thanks for sharing.
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/28/2010
"When Zero Hours calls..."
Ok. I have three major problems with this chapter. The first is that you should always keep your audience in mind when you write. There are times when big words are unnecessary. If a word comes to mind and you like it but think that its too plain, don't toss it aside and look for a thesaurus. The first words is usually the most accurate/suitable. A thesaurus is handy but if you abuse it it doesn't do you any favors. "Keep it simple, keep it sweet."
My second problem is that this chapter is written in monotone. It is detached. Lifeless. The emotion of the protagonist should be the driving force behind this story. You are writing *about* the protagonist, when you should be writing the protagonist's *story*. So that is to say, don't tell the audience that the character is "angry, sad, committed, etc."; show them through his actions.
My third and final irk-factor is the dialogue. It is quirky when a character talks to himself. Quirky is not bad so long as the dialogue is actually realistic; no body talks like he does in the beginning. He is narrating. I'll admit that dialogue comes naturally to some people, and to others its a struggle. Its difficult for me too. You should listen and observe people as they talk in real life, get a feel for your character, and honestly write what you think *he* would say.
These are writing tips that I would offer to anyone. I hope I have not offended you or come across as rude. I believe that most writers have the necessary tools,but sometimes they just need to be sharpened.
"...Zero Hour answers."
| Bage chapter 2 . 1/28/2010
Salutations from the Zero Hour;
Well I'm afraid I didn't read the whole thing. Usually when that happens its due to ridiculously poor grammar/ spelling or a very poor story. Luckily, neither of these are your particular problem. I don't really know how to put it tastefully, so I'll be blunt... I just got kind of, well, bored. I have some suggestions that could help you with this problem, though they may be a bit vague seeing as I don't really know myself what makes things interesting to read. The first thing I can tell you is to put some personality into it. Frankly, reading this was like reading a newspaper article (with more adjectives). It was rather bland, blunt, and to the point, but while this is great for reports and essays, this is not all that chipper for narrative writing. I also noticed that the characters didn't really have much character to them, either. As before, you did not really get into their heads all that much, but rather merely stated their actions (with perhaps some general internal commentary) and appearance. You also didn't go too into detail with anything, either. Most of the events you talked about here could have been explained in much more interesting detail; the attack of the Black Sun on BRIDE, for instance. I noticed that there was little to no description regarding it. In the future, I would advise you to put more effort into this and try to go through the action sequence move for move, better displaying the actions of both parties and thus making it much, MUCH more exciting. Lastly, I'd like to point out the use of adjectives here. Many of them are not even needed in the sentences, and when you're writing for entertainment, less can most definitely be more. When a lot of adjectives as used as displayed in this story, people can end up lost or confused because they lose track of the original idea you were trying to convey. Trust me, I used to do the same thing (but it's great for term papers and the like *winkwink*).
Anyway, I think I've gone on long enough. The rest is up to you. If you feel that the type of writing you displayed here is your personal style, perfect it. At the present moment I don't think it's reached its full potential...
And of course, if you think I'm just blowing hot air, disregard the whole review and keep on keepin', champ. Until the next.
Your ever so loveable critic,
| Agent.Frappuccino chapter 1 . 1/25/2010
Here from the Zero Hour
I told everyone at the forum that I would be reviewing everyone by Saturday, but since you and another individual were so excited, I decided to take it upon myself to read a your story lol. Sorry, anyway, back to my review...
Just a suggestion- I think it is best to place the Author's note at the end of the chapter instead of the beginning. I read the prologue and I thought it was interesting, only to let the atmosphere you created be shattered by the author's note (sorry, just saying). I think going to straight to the story will be a better approach (it's just a suggestion, you don't have to do it if you don't want to lol). I'm going to break it down and chunk by chunk cuz that's how I review all stories :)
First of all, I really liked the description in the beginning- you created an eerie scene for the readers, which created the dark atmosphere. And to add the fact the he was a masked man adds to the mystery of things. However, I found the dialogue in the first paragraph too forced for my taste. He didn't need to say his thoughts out loud. You could have described what he thought instead of making him say it, because it hinders the chapter instead of amplifying it. Also, I don't think there is an exact time from which you can measure rain. One might say it will be raining during the night, which you can assume will happen sometime at night, but not at an exact point in hour/minute- do you get what I'm saying?
"the masked man muttered as he looked into the quickly-darkening sky and noticed the clouds part to reveal the full moon."- loved your description, but I thought you extended this unnecessarily. It also contradicts to what you said after, right? If the sky is darkening, its a sign that it will rain harder, and then you said it revealed the moon, which means the rain is getting lighter.
I liked that you gave background description of the character and his profession. It gives me more of an idea of how he might develop as a character, which is a nice touch :). However, I also felt the transition from the weather to his job was a little choppy. I think you can transition it more smoothly before talking about his profession.
Hm, once again, the dialogue seemed a little forced. He didn't need to say it out loud- no one is watching him and no one is his audience. Maybe you can say "Something he'd learned in this line of work is that you can never be too cautious, and there is no such thing as an incident that isn’t worth your time!” - and I thought the exclamation point was unnecessary.
Are you sure he's a wrestler and not like... superman, a cop, or a mutant? Because I'm having a difficult time imagining someone on top of a roof that isn't either a superhero, an assassin with a rifle, or a pervert lol. Oh, and nice touch with the background info- not only was he a wrestler, he was also a gymnast. No wonder this guy is unstoppable! Oh, evil guy on the roof. He should totally do the sleeper hold on that guy! And i found it ironic that the other person is called the Peacemaker when he is such a violent man. He walks around with a mask all the time, doesn't anyone find that a little suspicious? And the fire on the roof thing- why aren't the cops informed about the fire by neighboring buildings? And Lagos is really something- super boy! Maybe he could be his sidekick lol.
And considering the time difference, I just think you should just say "seventeen years later" because saying what you wrote made it seemed to take away the serious effect you build up in the beginning.
This has got to be the corniest line I have ever read XD!: “Everyone gets back or we enter Toronto by painting this train the same color as the Canadian flag: red! I laughed so hard at that part! I'm sorry if you meant it to be serious but I was like laughing lol. Good thing he got punched by Denji, the hero :)
Overall, I thought you did a great job. You kind of flipped back from present to past tense (which is common since I have that problem too) but I thought you did famously for your first chapter :).
Hoped you enjoyed this review! That's how we do it in the Zero hour :D
| Luna the wolf dancer chapter 2 . 1/21/2010
interesting story - it's cool how you connected this with your BRIDE story, I look forward to more
| Seth-Cypher chapter 1 . 1/21/2010
Ahoy there! Judging props of this story, and your avatar, I'm guessing you're a Kamen Rider fan as well. Anyways, I enjoyed the first chapter of this story, your description of events is really nicely done. Hopefully we'll eventually find out more about Denji's background. Well, hope you write more chapters in the future.