Reviews for Garden of Eden
simpleplan13 chapter 5 . 6/18/2010
Review Marathon this weekend! (link in my profile)

The first line is in past tense and the rest is mostly in present tense. That didn't really make sense to me.

"Patience questions where her angel lay,".. wouldn't it be lays since it's just one angel?

"in it's nightly reincarnation, then"...its

"The wind grieves her, all about churning"... the phrasing here with the all about seemed odd. It sounded like it should have been churning all about, but you changed it for the rhyme. It was just awkward for me.

I did like the piece. I thought it was interesting how you mixed a sonnet (very formal) and some formal language with some informal phrasing and descriptions like the part about knee highs and saying "not okay." As always your descriptions were really powerful and well done.
PoetryQueen chapter 1 . 6/14/2010
Usually I do not like sonnets, but I really liked this! It sounded really good and the flow was awesome!

Good job!
Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 5 . 6/9/2010
Great! So sad, but inspiring!
Isca chapter 4 . 5/30/2010
"Sarcastic coo." -Capely coos in Isky's ear-

I like the line "heat blossoms in her core" for its sensuality.

"As her fantasies come alive for her tonight." Dark, yet sophisticated. I like the tone of this line - there's something so sweetly devilish about it.

"You made her write lines before." -Detention with Capely-

"The candle wax is her reward." Oh, you wicked, wicked girl. -Slythergrin-

I love the nonchalant tone of "This was very freeing."

[This review is courtesy of 'The Review Game' thread from 'The Enlightened Mind Cafe']
Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 4 . 5/19/2010
Great!
simpleplan13 chapter 4 . 5/16/2010
"The leather whip kiss/the back of her thighs"... shouldn't it be kisses?

I don't really get why rabbit is capitalized in the first line. It seemed odd. I also have to say the last part about it being freeing didn't seem to fit. It's not the idea of it freeing her, but just the straightforward tone didn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the piece and all of the sudden it seems to switch to first person (what she's thinking/feeling) as oppossed to you telling us what she's thinking/feeling.

I do like this one though. I think you create a really great dynamic here between the two of them. I also think your punctuation words really well to create the flow. My only question is (though I skipped the third one 'cause I didn't think it was my sort of subject matter) how do these all relate? I feel like to be a connection they need more than just being sonnets to tie them together... Anyway I did like the individual pieces in the collection though, so nice job!

PS Check out the Review Game and/or the Review Marathon (links in my profile)
simpleplan13 chapter 2 . 5/16/2010
"So go deeper Reaper under cover/to touch her snow storm skin and you do."... The phrasing here seemed really off. First I think it's undercover. Also, normally you say go deeper undercover, Reaper so switching it around seemed awkward. Also, I got really confused here with who is the she and the you. You start with the you and the you having a lover and then you throw in the Reaper. Is the Reaper the you or the you's lover? And who is the she? That said, I really liked your description "snow storm skin" that was beautiful.

"Whispers to you as her eyes grow dim/as last life slips away with a loud bang."... I was confused here about who the subject of this sentence was. Also the last line seemed like it was missing a word as the last life or maybe you meant at last?

"This tale is now complete and fin."... I didn't like this part at all. It seemed like it was just tacked on to meet the sonnet requirements. The tone didn't fit with the rest of the piece and why all of the sudden would you use a different language with the word fin?

So as you can tell, I didn't like this one as much as the last one, but I do like some of it. The word choices really work well with this tone you were trying to create and I think this scene was displayed well.
simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 5/16/2010
I like this piece, which is surprising since I don't typically like sonnets. I think the subject of this sonnet is different as typically when I see them they're about love, so I liked that aspect of it. I also think your word choices and descriptions are really good. And I thought the way you punctuated it really added to the flow.

Two things though, why is "Crows" capitalized? That seemed weird. Also, the subject of the 6th and 7th lines confused me. I thought it was the Crows, but the verbs are singular, so maybe it's the girl? I dunno. I think maybe you should make that a bit clearer.

But other than those two things, great job!

PS Check out the Review Game and/or the Review Marathon (links in my profile)
Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 3 . 2/28/2010
Love it!
Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 2 . 2/28/2010
Great! Love it!
ripplingebbulience chapter 3 . 2/26/2010
I love the name you have given it.
Isca chapter 2 . 2/15/2010
Like I said in my last review, this isn't a sonnet that follows the syllable count. But as a writer, you're allowed to bend the rules, so write on. :)

"Like a witches fetches to her side at the gallows." Brilliant simile. Good diction and imagery here too: fetches & gallows.
Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 1 . 2/11/2010
It's great! I love it!
Isca chapter 1 . 1/20/2010
If you wanted each line to be 10 syllables, you'll have to go back and revise some of them. However, if you weren't going for a firm-fixed form, then that's fine too.

"Dusk creeps upon her", "Snake slithering", and "Consume the freak" were my favourite lines. :)