|Reviews for Curse of the Hybrid|
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 1 . 1/22/2010
Ah, a very interesting and fun take on the prompt. Sci-fi? HELL YEAH! x]
Thirst is a strange name. It was a bit off-putting at first, especially since I wasn't unsure if that was her first name, last name, code name...?
I like the cursed aspect. It's a bit more fantasy than I was expecting, but apparently the devil does exist in this world. That information drew me into the story even more, because I was compelled to find out more...
I felt you used the word "stray" to death, to the point where it became almost annoying whenever it was used. Is there any way to change it up a bit more?
The story was enough to keep me interested. The pace was slow, but in a good way. Also, I thought the jumps in time were done very well. I was never confused or had to search to find the information. Good job.
The conclusion is a good one, too, because it leaves the rest of the story open. How does the rest of Vulpine's life play out as an assassin?
Mary Sue or not, I still liked it. :]
And now, for Mizzuz to be nitpicky. :3
[But that was the least thing to worry about.] Should "least" be "last?" Maybe the sentence is correct and it just reads weird? o.o
[All of them seem to have not heard what Thirst said.] "Seemed"
[Note pale, but dull and almost grey.] "Not pale"
[It couldn’t be help since her lips were eroded too.] "helped"
[HC-16 was like a statue.] "HY"
[When we first met, Thirst had mistaken her for a boy due to the husky voice.] When "they" first met... x]
[HY-17 shrugged.] "16...?"
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 1/21/2010
Naming the character Thirst certainly is eye-catching. Opening is a little bit 'tell,' specifically the second paragraph. First paragraph is fine.
Keeping a stray in a lab for scientific research? Oh, I don't like her.
Wait, she's trying to save it. That's different.
"“How is the progress?” [S]till she inquired them as she read through the recent reports."
Not sure what 'partially concealed face' means.
Not sure how to remedy this, but 'stray' is being used too much.
"Any signs of [it becoming] suicidal?"
"Spacing out" doesn't work - not scientific enough.
"Sixteen of the hybrids were collected ... As of now, the stray was the sixteenth." Need to clear that up.
Oh, I like the fact that this story accounts for the skin and muscles stretching!
I don't see a scientific mind accepting the Devil as axiomatic in our world, or one like it. They seem quite accepting of it, though. Thrist may not, but the others do.
"To fulfil[l] their wishes?"
Sometimes, she referred to as HY-16, and other times HY-17. May need to go back over to correct at that.
I don't see it as a Mary Sue, unless you're thinking you're Agent Bloodthirst. ;)
Okay, it's at a good ending. She's made her pact wtiht another devil, and she's ready to go on. It's a decent intro chapter, too.
Overall, it's quite flat in the telling. I understand there's not a lot of action, but we could follow Thirst a lottle closer and note her mannerisms. That could help us understand what she's feeling without out-and-out telling us.
There's another common flaw I see in alternate-universe stories: the unconscious need to give the reader the lay of the world in the first chapter. I would suggest that the author of course design the world to as much detail as is desired, but then hold back on telling us those details unless they become significant, or just before.
Using 'the stray' too much distracts from the story. I'm afraid I don't have any solutions to offer, but wanted to mention that the author may wish to research it somehow.
At any rate, it's a good story, decently-told. If you had time, I'm interested to see what else will happen to Vulpine.
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 1/21/2010
This was scary and tense stuff, how inhumane they were to the fox. and that the fox didn't even really care you handled really well, i thought, because usually i'd be like, well, why should i care then, if seh doesn't? but this was gripping.
a spattering of grammary things that i'm taerkitty will do eminent justice too, but teh first few that hit me were:
“And when she did she did not sit back and sigh with relief like she usually does” comma after the first did, and I think the last does should be a did?
“The stray she found a week ago, was kept in the laboratory for scientific research.” See, now this comma I didn’t need XD
“and teh research team” oh! Oh! Someone does this other than me! That totally made my day
I wanted a bit more detail on the characters, like the fact that the mentor used to a model didn't seem to go very far? and then her secret other life, which sounded really interesting, only came up right at the end, it would ;ve been nice to have some hints of that all the way through, for intrigue? for those reasons, it felt more like a first chapter than a short story to me sometimes, so like narq, i'll sniff around hopefully for a second chapter?
All in all a stomach twisting rendition of a gripping situation, nice!
| Narq chapter 1 . 1/20/2010
Hi, I think this is a really really cool short story. It's scary, but not horrific, it kept me in all the way and I feel that there's gonig to be a next chapter.
This is great!