Reviews for Elemental
Emmaa x chapter 15 . 3/23/2011
Amazing just like all the other chapters.

i liked the way you show little parts of each different battle and keep switching.

Can't wait for more D
Emmaa x chapter 1 . 2/21/2011
this is amazing!
lookingwest chapter 11 . 11/28/2010
What had changed however, was...

-Edit: needs comma after "changed"

"Get some sleep." Terras advised from across the isle, "We've got a big day tomorrow."

-Edit: as you have the speaker tag set up, Terras is advising "we've a big day tomorrow", which isn't the intended "advice". So I'd switch this to: "Get some sleep[,]" Terras advised from across the isle."We've got a big day tomorrow." So it makes more sense.

Up ahead however, Xiah...

-Edit: needs comma after "ahead"

...representing the landscape , dotted with the...

-Edit: delete extra space between "landscape" and the comma

I felt the beginning of this chapter was a bit heavy on the description without much to really hold the reader, but then again, it seems Michael is coming upon a new place and I don't have the context of the prior chapter to shape it, it started getting a bit heavy again in the third part with explanation, but I think there you broke up with dialogue soon after and it cleared up, so it became an issue of pacing, I think. It tended to drag a little in those chunkier parts.

Otherwise, the dialogue was well done, I didn't find any issue there and I think who the characters were stayed clear. I'm glad that you focused on Michael at the beginning section and switched focus to give a little more depth to the conflict and everything, so that worked well too!
Nicole Bishop chapter 1 . 11/23/2010
Wow, to be fifteen your writing is excellent! Please don't stop writing!

I like the way you split up the dialogue, people that don't do that irritate me!

I also like your descriptions, I felt like I was watching a movie in my head, thus your writing is well. Good job : )

I can't find any dislikes.
lianoid chapter 10 . 11/14/2010
"C'mon Selah, snap out of it."

-Edit: Comma after “C’mon” since whoever’s speaking is directly addressing “Selah”.

Her eyes cracked slightly...

-Personal: I find this to be an odd description. Then again, I have no idea what an Elemental is, so perhaps it fits. It’s just that when I think of eyes, I think of my eyes. Even when my eyes are dry, they don’t crack. I also rarely like the word “slightly” so perhaps that’s affecting my judgement as well. Hmm...

There was no real furniture to speak of,

Personal: I think this sentence would read better as, “There wasn’t any real furniture to speak of,” instead.

"Oh, no." She said, planting a palm on the girl's chest to force her back into the bed, "I'm not letting you go out until you've made a full recovery."

-Edit: The dialogue tag punctuation and capitalization is off here. Change the first period to a comma, “She said” to “she said” and the comma after “bed” to a period.

"No you're not!" She shoved down again, "You've been unconscious in the sun for three hours, that's not 'fine' in my book!"

-Edit: Eh? The comma after “again” should be a period since it doesn’t function as a dialogue tag.

Selah huffed, falling back upon the cot with a muffled thump, "Fine. You win! I'll stay here and rest for a while."

-Edit: Same thing here, only with the comma after “thump”. I’m not sure if this is an experimental thing on your part, since you’re consistently writing the punctuation incorrectly in these parts. /

"Our best bet," Tyren spoke, his voice reverberating from every wall, "Is to hold back, and let them come to us."

-Ah, see, the punctuation here is correct because the middle part is tagging the first dialogue stream as well as the second. However, “Is” should be “is”.

"So, no frontal assault?" Corah replied, a bit skeptical about this idea, "It doesn't seem aggressive enough to me."

-Edit: Change the comma after “idea” to a period” I believe. You know, I’m really not so sure anymore because you keep doing it, but normally... “technically” it shouldn’t be a comma. /

"Corah, aggression isn't always the answer." Terras said, crisscrossing his fingers as he spoke.

-Edit: The period after “answer” should definitely be a comma since “Terras said” is the tag.

I’m going to stop pointing all these out, but I suggest reviewing dialogue/dialogue tag punctuation rules. And let me know if this is some regional thing, would you? I’m pretty sure that sort of punctuation is the same everywhere, but I could be wrong.

I could use some more regular dialogue tags, to be honest. You only use it three times; all the other times you say things like, “coughed out, replied, questioned, began, volunteered, whispered, quipped, et cetera”. Variation with tags isn’t always the best thing. In fact, it’s usually best to stick with “said” because it’s not distracting. All of these tag variations detract from the flow of the piece and make the dialogue not so enjoyable to read.
Seigetsu Ren chapter 1 . 11/1/2010
Thanks for your review. I have come to return it.

First of all, I think your pacing is really good. The war scene was not bad either; not many authors would actually describe the battle lines and charging with infantry. The language was simple and easy to understand; I liked that too. Now, for the suggestions:


Michael was typed wrong in "The battle raged on, with Michel taking the..."

"This was the cities finest..." should be "This was the city's finest..."

"...if the earth is to achieve anything" - Earth should be capitalized, since it's the name of a planet. The lowercase "earth" means "soil"

"For the sake off all" should be "For the sake of all"

Other concerns:

It is too early to say much about the plotline, but there are some concerns that I hope you would address in future chapters.

Viron and his followers' intentions are not very clear. Very rarely do wars occur simply to destroy cities, and even if they kill all the citizens, the fortifications, equipment, food, and other supplies housed within cities would be useful for an army's survival, thus I found it a little confusing as to why Viron would intentionally burn down Hadaspin. I could understand if Hadaspin's people decide to burn down their own city in refusal to surrender their supplies, but that was not the case.

Some of the other questions that burned my mind as I read through this was how did Viron acquire his men, how did he secure supplies for his men, and exactly how did he manage to keep his movement hidden despite seemingly overwhelming numbers in his flanks? In history, the ruler's true intentions may be hidden, but he would usually have some sort of propaganda created in order to lure people into fighting for him. Was there such a thing about Viron? Surely, he had some excuse for attacking the cities, right?

Of course, these questions are meant as simple questions; I have no intention of judging anything at this point. I do suggest a deeper analysis of this character later on in the story though, because many authors fall into the trap of creating villains just for the heck of it, which I personally believe makes the story sound very superficial. I have confidence that more would be revealed though, so I'll just be patient for the time being.

Overall, a very nice chapter. Hope to read more when I have time. Good luck!
SympleSymon chapter 9 . 8/2/2010
Review Game!

Okay, so I haven't had a chance to go back and read all of this, but you wanted chapter 9, so here goes!

Firstly, isn't 'center' spelt 'centre' when you're describing the middle of something?

And this is a fantasy world, right? Maybe, then, you shouldn't compare the palace to 'an Islamic house of worship' because that pulls the reader out of your imaginary setting - I know it made me just stop and think twice! You could easily describe it as a 'majestic shrine' or 'beautiful house of worship' to convey the same sense, but whilst keeping it firmly rooted in your world. Unless you have Islam in your setting, in which case ignore this whole paragraph...

The description of the Wasp was also lengthy and intricate, although this isn't neccessarily a bad thing.

I loved how you described every member of the group, how their actions and personalities were wide and varied so that I could believe they were all individuals. I especially loved the line about Terras, as he ' strode forth as confident as ever, his gait never flinching, though his eyes told the story his legs held secret'. Great wordcrafting there.

Again you make referrences to real-world things, this time 'a diadem of Medieval Europe, similar to those worn by the monarchs of Britain'. So I'm going to assume that this world of yours is something to do with the real world, or at least the characters come from our reality, so they'd have the experience to be able to compare things to those they've already encountered in our world.

The descriptions of the Elementals' powers was both concise yet fascinating. Well done, there.

I also found it ironically funny how the Elemental of the mind (not quite sure how the mind is an element, but I suppose sine we're about 60% water, it's not that much of a implausibility...) made the prophecy about this Viron character, but couldn't predict who he'd turn out. Nice...

The first line for Selah - I'm not sure 'waves of sand' makes much sense. I can understand the imagery you're trying to get across, but maybe 'banks of sand'?

All in all, a great chapter that makes me want to take the time and go back to start this from the beginning! As soon as I have time, that's exactly what I'll do.

Seigetsu Ren chapter 9 . 7/6/2010
Easy Fix for Review Game

I really like the vocabulary you use and the method of description you employ for creating a vivid image of the surroundings. In particular, the personification of the minarets in the beginning of the chapter was done very nicely.

One thing I didn't quite like about your writing is the overuse of passive voice. It makes some of the sentences sound unnatural and clumsy. For instance, "The center of government within the walls of Aspania was found in its palace" sounds a little awkward. I would personally prefer "The palace was the center of the Aspanian government".

I think the overall plot moved quite quickly without ommission of detail, which is something I find very difficult to balance but you've done this well. I can't really comment on how the plot progressed throughout the story, as I have not read the previous chapters, but I do think that this chapter alone is exciting enough for me to want to go back and read through the entire story. Congratulations on this successful piece of writing.

Slave to Creativity chapter 7 . 6/29/2010
(for ch.8)

I can't help but find this piece enjoyable. The vocabulary, i.e. describing the sunlight as amber, was simply gorgeous. And you have words like "stalked" and "rose" meaning got up, it's brilliant.

But I advise you not to put dialouge alone in a paragraph. It's kind of hard to follow who's talking.
Slave to Creativity chapter 8 . 6/28/2010
I can't help but find this piece enjoyable. The vocabulary, i.e. describing the sunlight as amber, was simply gorgeous. And you have words like "stalked" and "rose" meaning got up, it's brilliant.

But I advise you not to put dialouge alone in a paragraph. It's kind of hard to follow who's talking.
Danielle Gin chapter 8 . 6/27/2010
You have a very nice way with words! Your choice in diction with phrases such as “interlocking canopy” and “ticking fire hazard” help give the story a very lush, but exciting feel which fits the content perfectly. I also liked how you subtly informed the reader who the young man was without actually stating facts during the scene with his mother in the storehouse. Normally I have to harp on fictionpress writers to show the reader what’s happening as opposed to telling the reader. But you showed me the scene and I have to appreciate that. Plus, I didn’t catch any typos or word misusages. Over all I’m very impressed by the level of your writing! Great work and keep it up!
Nelo.AXS chapter 8 . 6/24/2010
I like the usage of imagery on how you merge each scenery into a more flowable and easy read. But, I don't like your info dumping and how you over describe inconsequential things.
NashZander chapter 6 . 4/17/2010
I love Anne's fight scene, you said I would love it and I absolutely do! Wouldn't change a thing!
AlexxJunder chapter 5 . 4/1/2010
Okay I only found one little thing: "The building was a sturdy structure, with heavy stone walls, a massive iron gate, and countless wooden battlements adorning the top."

The comma after gate doesn't need to be there, you have three describing items, so you only need two commas. Other than that, this is a cool take on old style, elemental, good vs. evil story telling. I've only read chapter 5, but I will read the others to catch up, aight? cool...
Luis Negron chapter 5 . 3/31/2010
I enjoyed this. The detailing was quite good, very riveting. The pacing was also well done.

However, I didn't like one thing. The 'he said', 'she said' lines at the end of the dialogue had too much variation. it's better to stick to basics.
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