|Reviews for Elemental|
| White Carnation chapter 4 . 3/29/2010
Your wording and style is exallent and very unique. You have talent for fight scenes, that's for sure! I'd like to know more about the training as well. The only thing I see that might effect the overall story is the blandness of the characters. The plot is very interesting and well thought out so far. You do a great job with descriptions also, presice, get to the point, and only there when needed.
| openmouthblues chapter 4 . 3/24/2010
The beginning of this chapter seems very...sudden, jolting, even. It's very clipped, and concise. While it does get the point across, you should spend some more time describing the training, more time describing the effects of the training.
Again, the suddenness of the master attacking is jolting, but this time it seems more fitting for a fantasy setting. Good use vs. bad use.
You seem in a rush to describe things...when I read this I feel as if I have to hurry and get to the end, but not out of anticipation. You do have a nice way of describing things, however.
The fight scene with the dogs was the best part of this chapter, by far, as you took your time to describe everything, and you gave it a chance to really play out. I suggest you do that more often.
The cliffhanger ending was especially nice, as well. C:
| JaffaFoose chapter 4 . 3/19/2010
I quite like this! You’re really good with combat scenes, I think. As I read about the fight, and the dog attack, I felt suspense, and wondered how it was going to turn out. And you use excellent description when it comes to describing a fight.
I do think you have some work to do in the character department. They don’t seem to show all that much emotion, and I don’t feel very much attachment with them. Like, I’m interested to see what they do, but I don’t think I’d be particularly hurt if any of them died.
Now, forgive me, but it’s grammarNazi time.
"As soon as we get to the city, we'll schedule a conference with the king." Said Corah, who was currently bringing up the rear of the advancing squadron, "With the armies of Aspania on our side, we could have the Order eliminated in a matter of months."
First of all, the first period should be a comma, because the ‘said Corah’ speech tag is part of the same sentence. As such, ‘said’ also doesn’t need to be capitalized. And then you put a comma after squadron. But ‘With the armies’ begins a new sentence, so the speech tag should end with a period, not a comma. So, fully corrected:
"As soon as we get to the city, we'll schedule a conference with the king," said Corah, who was currently bringing up the rear of the advancing squadron. "With the armies of Aspania on our side, we could have the Order eliminated in a matter of months."
I realize I’m being picky, but it’s a mistake that you regularly make, so I thought I’d point it out. Just have a bit of work to do on your dialogue punctuation.
‘Corah, who's senses were usually top notch gave a confused look to the horizon they faced…’
Who’s is short for ‘who is’, so your sentence reads ‘who is senses’. It should be whose.
But, nitpicking aside, I really like it!
| NashZander chapter 4 . 3/17/2010
Bloody Brilliant Mate, love the writing style and phrasing, best yet!
| NashZander chapter 3 . 3/1/2010
This just keeps getting better... XD Bloody Brilliant mate
| Aoide's Anthem chapter 3 . 3/1/2010
The descriptiveness of this chapter was good-most importantly, it was not too much (a lot of people overdo it). I liked that Michael is not a Gary Stu. Good description of the quick sand, though quick sand admittedly seems out of place. The attitude of Terras is realistic. The ending was strong and suspenseful. I"ll probably be reading more chapters.
| PerryC chapter 3 . 2/26/2010
I really love how you write action! You paced this really well. There isn't so much detail that it overwhelms us, but there's enough that we can clearly see and understand what's going on without it slowing the pace down.
One thing that bugged me a little was a punctuation mistake I used to make a lot too. When a character says something, and you finish the words with 'I said' or 'he said' or 'I replied' or some variation of saying, the dialogue should be followed by a comma, and the 'I, he or he' should be lowercase. For example, you got it right here:
'"Speed," Terras said...'
Notice the comma?
However, when it isn't followed by a 'said/whispered/muttered/whatever' and is followed by a piece of action (ie, He picked up his sword.) it is ALWAYS followed by a full stop.
So, this sentence:
'"Force," He whipped the clubs around his body...'
'"Force." He whipped the clubs around his body...'
Also, looking at that same sentence:
"Force." He whipped the clubs around his body, striking down the invisible warriors that surrounded him, "To repel those who seek to do you harm."
There should be a full-stop after 'surrounded him' as it's the end of the sentence.
This is all because he's pausing in his dialogue to DO something. If he were DOING while SAYING it would be:
"Force," he said as he whipped the clubs around his body, striking down the invisible warriors that surrounded him, "to repel those who seek to do you harm."
I hope that helps and isn't too confusing!
| Trzcina chapter 2 . 2/12/2010
The only flaw that bothered me is one of formatting-without much gap between paragraphs, they tend to run together for me and become difficult to read. Not a major issue at all, just a tiny bit of formatting. The only other thing was that describing the characters as teens, despite its accuracy given their age, makes me question when their society sees someone as becoming a young adult-if Corah is 18, I'm assuming the other characters are close in age, and from the sound of their society I think he would more quickly be classified as a young man than a teenager.
Corah strikes me as a very interesting character. As I've not read the entirety of the first chapter, I don't know if you go into more detail on him there or not, but reading this I definitely feel like I want to know why he is considered an outcast, and I want to know what happens to him. And that's a good thing.
| NashZander chapter 2 . 2/6/2010
I can't wait till the next one! Bloody Brilliant writing mate!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/6/2010
-While I do think the whole idea of this war and the Elemental is creative, I think it kind of lacked a hook for me. I regarded this more as a prolouge and I feel as though you did a lot of telling rather than showing, perhaps there's a way that a lot of this information could be worked in through dialogue and plot throughout the story. I would have liked to have seen more of the battle in the first part, just to really sinch the reader into reading, otherwise it kind of came off as an info-dump.
-Now I like this, it start off right away with good action and has more of a hook than the first part. I also like that you're jumping right into the battle instead of spending time describing preparations, ect. because it makes the narrative more exciting.
-nice description of Micheal's element at work in the second paragraph because I think you did a good job in telling us just enough and not too much.
(and final) hour
-needs period after "hour"
-You really like to use that phrase, but I think it would clean the narrative up if you omitted the "on", it's a useless preposition and no one likes them, especially at the end of clauses.
-make sure to capitalize all of your new dialogue.
"...advance." He spat with a tinge of spite to his words.
-Would edit with a comma instead of a period after "advance", because the next sentence sounds awkward on its own and normally speaker tags aren't their own sentences. It's like saying, "Hey." He said. "He said." shouldn't be a sentence on its own.
-Nice description withe warrior and the orange aura, and so far you've been working well with what your characters are saying too, so I like the believable dialogue.
“You.” He growled...
-another instance where there should be a comma instead of a period after "you"
-I like what you did with Micheal's dialogue as he speaks to his opponent who obviously took part in some sort of betrayal, it adds great tension and I think it's realistic to see his frustration coming out.
-Huh, that was a fast friendship...
-Overall a solid first chapter and I think I can really see the enthusiasm for the character of Michael and his construction, so I think you have a good plan of what's going to happen, or so it comes off :)
| hired chapter 1 . 2/6/2010
This is the work of an experienced writer who knows what he wants to write/do.
| NashZander chapter 1 . 1/26/2010
I absolutely love this story, its brilliantly worded with the right amount of action, the characters are believable and the plot is rife with anticipation and suspense, great work.
| Rahkshi lord chapter 1 . 1/22/2010
This is a great story, intelligent writing, interesting characters, and it left me wanting more.