Just wanted to let you know that the link you posted doesn't show up properly; everything before .com is missing. I believe links have to be posted on your profile page if you want people to be able to see them because fictionpress doesn't allow them in chapters.

I'm glad that you will be rewriting some of this since I agree with the other reviewers who felt that the story lost its way after the motel scene. Karley just seemed to lose her personality and backbone and there wasn't a satisfactory explanation for her decisions from that point onward. Still, there is a lot of potential here so good luck with the rewrite. :)

I really like the beginning of the story,

but after Karley comes home from camp, it starts to get a bit iffy.

I don't see how she came to conclusion to do things the way she did.

She came across as a really strong, if not bitchy, character and I don't think that her decision to stay with Dean really fits with that? Maybe it just needed a bit more explaining on her part.

But Quentin was great. Loved him.

The ending seemed a bit rushed, and Tony seemed like he would have been a nice addition if he was fleshed out a bit more.

But yeah, that's what I think. But great job! I enjoyed reading this. :]

Oh, man. Before they got it going...

that was the most awkward thing I've ever read. Haha.

But I think that's what you were going for,

so take it as a compliment. :]

I loved reading this story, but I thought that the ending was a little too short/abrupt.

*poke* Update? I'm liking it so far. :) Maybe I'll even leave a longer review... oh. xD

~RK

the story had so much potential...

i really liked the beginning and was really excited for it...

but somewhere after the motel scene everything just went downhill,

i didn't understand karley at all, i get the dramatics of her getting back with dean but not sleeping with him... there might have been a more solid reason but it wasn't conveyed properly for me to actually believe that she deserves Q, because Q is just freaking awesome character. i felt like the latter chapters were rushed and the conversation driven plot was just awful without descriptions in between. that only works when it comes with visuals but since this is all written words it just didn't work.

this have a very big potential, maybe if you find time you can do a re-write and make it cleaner because it'll be such a waste with the good plot not being fully realized.

not many good stories are based on the male's pov.

and this story? it's a real good read. but i have to say im not a big fan of karley due to all her selfish decisions. but our Q loves her so i love her too ;)

Quentin is a sweetheart!

HAhahah! oh wow, Tony agreed so quickly! XD

AVMP

Well. Hello. NOt to be redundant, I just read the story :)

I really liked it. Though at first it reminded me of "So much to learn", it flowed entirely different and gave a real identity to it and the characters.

You seem very grounded about emotions - which makes them convincive and easy to follow - their reactions always seemed real. I loved it.

Since you've asked for constructive criticism, I'm going to concentrate on that more (sorry?), but the story itself is actually great. I really enjoyed it.

However, I would work on the in-between.

Everything about their relationship is clear and the storyline flows, but, for example, before they go to the motel, it feels like there's a whole part missing.

A prelude of sorts.

It would really spike up the tension if they did something (kissed, touched, anything) every now and then, before actually sitting in the car and going at it like it's a doctors apointment.

That concept fits, though, so I'm not thinking any radical changes. The story is what it is because of the whole ...awkwardness on her part and the misconceptions of the approach, so I wouldn't change the general feel - no big changes. It would just be more effective if you spiked it up a bit.

Tying to that, there's the motel scene. It's well written and more realistic than if they just tore their clothes off and she came because he smelt good. Lol. But, still, I'd add either more descriptions or something that shows more strength to Karley's character. She seems a strong person, but the motel scene came across more as... I dunno, whimsical, than confused or indecisive on her part. Scared doesn't seem a part of it, and it kind of down-puts the scene which should be the centre-point of the story.

And even though you said you had to work hard on keeping out of her head, you seriously did a great job of it. It's completely Q viewpoint, and it works. Seeing "flashes of fear in her eyes" isn't what I'm getting at. You're amazingly convincive in a simplistic way, and that's just.. not. Haha.

What I'm saying, in short, is that I'd add more descriptions, snippets of their relationship. Even pre-sex talk. The dynamic - why they work. The chemistry. It's portrayed well, but it needs an edge that would tie everything together.

So too, I loved the ending. I mean, how they came to it. The punching, fighting, awkwardness and the out-of-the-blue Tony involment. It's really suiting, refreshing and just plain works. I love it. But the switchpoint from awkwardness to the kitchen chat leaves something to be desired; this time maybe on an emotional level. Though they were slightly intoxicated, there's a tangible emotion/thought missing that would set the change in motion.

And past that point "What do you think about Karley and I dating?", the ending seems rushed and a bit unfinished. You skipped the potentially sweetest, conclusive moment of the story in order to switch onto the epilogue-ish breakfast. In my opinion, it doesn't sit well.

Anyway; that's all I can think of. Once asked CC my mind turns analytical and I can't resist reviewing even if I'm tired as hell (which I am), so I'm sorry if the comment seemed insensitive or incomprehensible (I'm soo not going to go through what I wrote to see if it makes sense). I really enjoyed the story (otherwise I wouldn't go in such detail) and I'll definitely be checking out more of your stories. :)

Thank you for sharinng.

Enjoy~

P.s. if you want me to clarify on anything I've written, I'll reply and try to help.

That was a good read, epic even.

Keep it up!

I Loved the story, yes with a capital. Being a "Ghost Reader" for two years in this site and never ever having rewiewed any story, I am now, for the first time. But yeah, anyway...

I loved this story expecially the endind, which was perfect, I think.

You had some grammar mistakes and sometimes some words were missing and there were too many words (like; she Karley). Maybe you should get a beta or just someone to look over your story? But the mistakes didn't take over the story, they weren't so many.

But overall, I liked your story and I'm going to look what kind of other stories you have :D, maybe I'll like those too.

omg FOOTBALL? NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS? TOM BRADY?

yeup i believe i shall read this story now ;P

ghost readers? wow nice name for us- try... fixing typos, and... making a sequal :)

haha i got that avpm reference!