Reviews for Home
guppylove chapter 5 . 10/5/2010
There is some funny stuff in here, Sophie. The Chinese take over the world. Seen this many times on screen. Where I grew up in Canada, we Chinese outnumbered the other kids in our class.

Loved the part about the Russians using a pencil in space.
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lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
Engulfed in the utter silence of space, a swarm of prison hulks hung in geostationary orbits around the earth.

-Wow, really strong opening line and...geostationary? Great word choice, haha, I was like, wait a second-that's and awesome word, lol

Nice set-up description with the federation vs. the empire thing going on, I think you managed to keep it brief enough where it wasn't an info-dump, and it was really interesting. I like how you dive back into the character culture with the prison too, that transition back was well done.

Her mission, that she had waited so long to complete, would never be concluded.

-Great character development, I think this really created a sudden anxiety about what's going to happen and it caught my attention immediately.

The drug sagged Lorna's mouth open. She felt drool beading at the corner of her lip and floating off into the room.

-Great detailed description

"So what number's this one?"

-There's really some creepy factor going on with these two having a conversation while they're basically killing someone else...or I guess I'm not positive if they're killing her yet but this is still ambiguously unsettling, haha


-I'm not completely sure if it was intentional to not put a period after this, but I do like it without the period, haha. It kind of leaves the idea open for the next chapter.

Overall this was a really strong opening chapter, I found no errors, so kudos to Narq and your wonderful writing skills, haha. I loved reading something this strong, per usual, and I'm really curious to see where this goes because I don't think I've seen your writing develop like this yet, in a futuristic way, at least. Science fiction rocks, and I think you're handling it convincingly!
Written chapter 1 . 1/31/2010
i thought it was kick ass, but i only skimmed through it. will def hit you up with some deeper thoughts when i've had time to think about it :)
Aderyn Azula chapter 5 . 1/31/2010
WoW! this is pretty awesome!

oh and congrats for winning the la campanella contest!
Michael Howard chapter 5 . 1/27/2010
"Her words slurred, her vowels were long and drawn out, and very yet, filled with an irrepressible energy."

'and very yet'

Take out the 'very'?

"His voice come out high and somewhat squeaky."

Came out high...

Appealing characters, a storyline with unexpected twists and turns, a sophisticated and yet unpretentious narrative style, this work is a perfect example of why you are so wonderfully readable.

Where do I cast my vote for this winner?
Michael Howard chapter 4 . 1/27/2010
"She shot him a distinctly naughty glance to match a mischievous not in her voice."

'note' rather than 'not'

You've mentioned before that I'm too quick to see symbolism in your work, but even so, that scene with the overly full fish tank and the vendor with the knife, it wasn't mere chance those images appeared at that moment, was it?

What was I saying before about no happy endings here?
Michael Howard chapter 3 . 1/27/2010
Lots of fun watching the interactions between Lorna and Paul here. But I'm guessing history will ensure there is no 'they happily ever after' future for them as a couple.
Michael Howard chapter 2 . 1/27/2010
More details emerge of how this future world came to be, done in a skillful manner that in no way resembles a dry recitation of 'history.'
Michael Howard chapter 1 . 1/27/2010
"There was no nothing to say that would make any difference."

'no nothing'

Futuristic slang or typographical error? I'm thinking the former...

This was a terrific beginning to your latest FP offering, introducing protagonist and world setting most effectively.
Indestructible13 chapter 1 . 1/27/2010
As always, great work sophie
Narq chapter 5 . 1/26/2010
"“My grandparents were Russian,” he acknowledged, answering the interrogation of her eyes." - maybe add a "a new note had entered his voice: pride"? or something?

The ending is good. But still feels a bit weak. Maybe pull in the salmon idea again?

otherwise, I think you've pretty much beaten this story. Great job soldier!

Narq chapter 4 . 1/26/2010
Haha, this chappy was good. Tension, check. Humour, check, dunno what else you'll want :D
Narq chapter 3 . 1/26/2010
Lol, haha, still laugh at the 'yellow' bit. Maybe you need a a/n at the bottom to say why she's making paul uncomfortable with that one word :P
Narq chapter 2 . 1/26/2010
“Thanks. So my ma, you know what she ask me?”/Paul face stiffened imperceptibly at his friends words. His parents had been dead for years, but the word still stung./“What job you going for?” Teijin went on in a perfect imitation of his Okaasan. Together, they laughed. “As if I know before I get in.” - GOOD! You really pulled up the focus on home there. Your theme completely shines through. ANd, you put in the cultural perspective of the japanese mother, as well. and that break left the uncomfortable scene betweel paul and the jap quite well.

One problem. Paul's emotions seem to come fast, but then just disappear: the word "mother" stings, and then he laughs together (where we assume he's forcing his laughter? or maybe not?) and when he speaks again about the jap, we have no idea what he's feeling/how he's speaking.

"Fishing by his grandfather’s side, hearing the story of the amazing syomga that hatched in freshwater water, and lived for years in the salt before returning to their hatching streams. The run was barely a run anymore, but his grandfather’s words sparked a run in his imagination so thick that the streams were emptied of their water, and you could walk across in the silvery backs of the fish." - Wow, Sophie only we are able to write such wonders. That is simply pure and beautiful!
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