|Reviews for Insanity|
| Ebrethiel chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
Line four: ""I told you this day would come." the voice from the other side of the line screeched, manjc laughter followed."
Firstly that spelling error. I suppose you were intending to write "manic" ?
Up until this line, you had been using the present tense of writing. You began using the past tense. It's a very subtle change, but it's there; "screeched" and "followed" as opposed to your prior use of verbs; "I emerge" and "the being croaks".
The very first line: "I hear a phone ring in the middle of the night. I wake to an unfamiliar ring tone, i don't recognize it as mine or the house phone. I emerge from the darkness of my room."
Written in such a staccato manner (short and detached). It may sound good as a poem, but in this text type, it just doesn't read well to me. "i don't recognize" ... the i should be capitalised.
Second line: "There it is. Standing infront of me. A monster phone in hand. "It's for you." the being croaks."
The part about the "monster phone" sounds like your describing the phone as monstrous, when what you're actually trying to do (I think) is tell us that the monster has a phone in its hand. I think it just needs a few minor grammatical adjustments.
Third line: "Shrieking, I turn to run. The only place I have to go is my room, there is no escape. It grabs me from behind and pulls the phone to my ear."
At this part: "The only place I have to go is my room, there is no escape." I think there should be a separation with a period after "room". Or perhaps a dotted-comma (still don't know what that's called). At the part: "pulls the phone to my ear" ... there's technically nothing wrong with it, but it kinda bugs me. I researched the web and found a definition of "pull"; "apply force so as to cause motion towards the source of the motion". That means if the monster was pulling the phone, it would be directed towards its own face and not the protagonist's. "It grabs me" - at this time, I think it would be wise to use "the monster" or "the being" again. I got a little confused at who (or what) was doing the "grabbing". Also, the sentence structure didn't seem right to me.
In the fifth line: " I HAD known this day would come" I think a more common and more acceptable font alteration to indicate emphasis would be the use of italics, rather than capitalising the word. Capitalising words should be saved for loud screaming in dialogue or sometimes to write what a sign-post or newspaper title says. Also in the fifth line: "but I just wished It was not tonight." Your use of 'was not' sort of detached my reading and stopped the smooth flow. My own personal ranting aside, it fits fine within the story.
In the second-last line, there is no need for a comma. Actually, I don't think it should be there at all.
I liked reading this the first time, when I wasn't looking for things to review about. :)
| Eternal Note chapter 1 . 3/3/2010
That was so cool,
But for a min it sounded like one misted call (i spelt that wrong i think)
I loved the ending
| lalapop chapter 1 . 2/3/2010
| Maria-100 chapter 1 . 1/29/2010
I think it's very interesting, but is there more? It seems like if this could be the rest of the story, but I'm left wanting to know what comes next. I'm guessing that's a good sign!
| stormdog11 chapter 1 . 1/28/2010