|Reviews for Gavin's Story|
| AnonymousProclamations chapter 11 . 10/5
HOW COULD YOU? I TRUSTED YOU! jk. I was so hopeful for all the erotica. Mannn. . .. . Not sure if i will favorite this but will keep following. Off to continue power trip!
| AnonymousProclamations chapter 8 . 10/5
I love how twisted Collin is. The type of character I have always wanted to write, but didn't have the guts to. He is just an evil shock-value driven person. I love it. And Gavin. He's got something special about him. The lost of inocence and reason deal. I'm definitely more driven to read this over power trip.
| AnonymousProclamations chapter 4 . 10/5
Came here from reading some of power trip. God this part was hot. Idk. Liked it more than Gavin sucking the other guy. Collin is ruthless.
| TheGhostChild chapter 11 . 9/30
I love it. Perfectly balanced amount of darkness and hope and lust and love.
I really enjoyed it.
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 11 . 9/25
I loved your Brand New reference omg. One of my favorite songs ever!
This was such an awesome chapter. I really love how you're portraying Gavin's struggle and his internal conflict. Ah I'm still squealing about the "Jesus Christ" lyrics lol but okay. Focusing; here's some comments:
[[If it was yet to happen, I still wasn't sure]]
A teeny bit funky. I absolutely LOVE the lines before this, but there's something about [[If it was yet to happen]] that's a little rough. I think it's because you have two cancelations (for lack of a better word). You've got "if it was yet" (implying it hasn't happened) and "wasn't" in the same line, so it's a little bit confusing.
Does this make sense, kind of? :o
Maybe just putting [[If this breakdown was yet to happen, I still wasn't sure]] would fix it; make it clear enough to know exactly what Gavin's talking about.
Dunno. Just some thoughts, haha.
[[Nick taught me a lot about words – how to speak honestly so that it was like poetry – how to inject emotion by manipulating the tone in your voice.]]
I love this!
[[The word felt way too good; made my neck a little hot and I hadn't even actually said it out loud.]]
Another really well written description!
[[crossing her legs as her thumbs flew across the screen.]]
I like this, too. I think "thumbs [flying] across the screen" is a really accurate description for texting haha
[[I glanced back at Penny who continued texting; an eye trailed to me as Nick's voice droned]]
Just one eye? Is she cross-eyed? ;D
Reading those lyrics again, they're so perfect for where Gavin's currently at ToT Such a great song choice!
I laughed at the lumber-sexual thing lol! I also thought how the "loose strands flying away" from his hipster bun was pretty accurate; I totally knew what you were talking about right away!
[[Could I really draw that attention? Was this what it was like to finally be looked at; noticed?
A rush of control made my heart pound.]]
[["I thought you hated my music?"]]
I think this would be more powerful with a period instead of a question mark. Even with the period, the sentence still implies there's a little bit of a question in his voice, just from what he's saying (and the description you give beforehand)
[[I wanted to see them go wide with fear as I shoved myself down his throat… wanted more than anything for them to mirror my own tragedy.]]
Poor, poor conflicted Gavin :C
Anyway, wonderful chapter! Can't wait for the next update :D
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 10 . 9/24
The chapter title. That pun... Ohmygod; I laughed!
[[She was very young looking, and very beautiful – nails long and expensive and lots jewellery on her wrists.]]
I absolutely love this description. There's a certain innocence to it that I think really ties in with Gavin's character!
[[When Mrs. New yelled, she instantly aged ten years; wrinkles defined and creasing along her forehead.]]
[[It was true, in fact, that Lily had threatened this once when I wanted a darker brown.]]
threatened... What? This is a tiny bit confusing :o
[[She was at a birthday tonight, and couldn't make it to sit in on the practice.]]
I would cut the comma here. Makes the sentence flow a bit smoother and can suggest that Gavin's a little bored :)
Nick singing about Penny was way too funny ohman... Cracking up
[[It seemed this man kept tabs on everything. Although he looked completely absorbed in his tasks, he was obviously very invested in his family.]]
I like Nick's dad :)
[[But Nick stubbornly insisting I didn't need attention drawn to me made me nervous. He probably knew everything.]]
Nick knew... Huhuhuh; I just can't get over that pun!
[[With a nod of his head, he indicated me to get up out of her salon chair before it was too late.
It's a teeny bit unclear who's talking. After reading the piece of dialogue after this, I know it's Nick's mom, but the way it's written makes it seem like Gavin's the one protesting :)
[[My brain wasn't working; it was shutting down completely as horrible thoughts overrode the function to speak normally.]]
This is written so well! I love this...
[[He let the silence pass through us]]
I like this, too!
[[Maybe it was to hurt Nick as much as I'd been hurt. Maybe it was a deeply carved need to destroy the only good in my life.]]
[["Gav, listen to me. I did not, and will not, tell a fucking soul about that. I promise. I don't think you're disgusting, and I don't think it's my obligation to protect you. So guess what I do think? I think you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and the worst kind of people took advantage of that and I want to do whatever I can to make sure it doesn't happen again because you're my friend."]]
YEESSSS NICK I LOVE YOU YOURE AMAZING YESSSS
The fact that he was almost crying too /3
So basically, my thoughts:
UUGHH I LOVED THIS SO MUCH
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 9 . 9/23
This chapter was so good!
[[the only way Collin was teaching me that Brecken liked it?]]
The way this sentence is worded is a little funky. I get what you're trying to say though.
[[A withering, guilty part of me thought it was wrong to want these things. But the depraved, disgusting part couldn't get enough.]]
this is such a cool parallel. You're developing his arc so perfectly!
[[...tossing around random band names once again. He had a habit of doing that and most of the time I nodded along, hoping not to be called out for not knowing who the hell he was referring to.]]
Lol I love these two
[[Brecken was popular in an infamous kind of way. No one had a problem with him; he got along with everyone.]]
*whispers* I know this is probably just a brain fart, but infamous means "well known for some bad quality or deed."
[[Besides, Nick might know I'd been raped, but he definitely didn't know I was gay on top of the fact. The only one in school…]]
not for long, Gavin.. Not for long ;o
[[But for the first time in my life I knew what I wanted, and it gave me an odd sense of control.]]
I love this! His arc is beautiful~
Collin is so twisted :0
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 8 . 9/22
*cries* another wonderful chapter. I love this so much; you have no idea.
Here's some comments:
[["My brother's a year younger than us. He pisses me off sometimes, but that's normal right?"]]
LOL. Oh man... I'm loving Nick's character so much. He's perfect.
[[Wasn't the word platonic best used in this case?]]
I love how you're writing this. Gavin's personality is so, so deeply developed...
Collin's a literal butthole but he's also an interesting character. But basically I just love this so much! I hope you're still writing this when you get the chance; I noticed the story's not marked as complete :o
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 7 . 9/22
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 6 . 9/21
AH I LOVE IT! this was such an amazing chapter! I especially loved the scene where Gavin played his drum kit; I thought you captured that process perfectly. And Nick is awesome; easily my favorite character! Good guy Nick haha
Can't wait to read more~
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 4 . 9/20
[["I signed up for some clubs," I answered with a small shrug. "Nothing yet, though." Collin paused to smile at me some more. It was dangerous, the way his eyes glinted. "What do you want?"]]
Teeny tiny bit unclear with who's asking the question, since Collin's the one doing the action, but it's also on the same line as Gavin's dialogue. Maybe in the future have Gavin's reaction/commentary and then the dialogue? Is this making sense lol
[[I had been staring off into a middle distance the entire time we climbed a flight of stairs.]]
This is a really interesting description; I've never heard the "middle distance" phrase used, and yet I know exactly what you're talking about haha
[[You're really strange, you know, following me here without question. What if I was going to hold you down and fuck you?"]]
I'm slowly, gradually beginning to finally understand Collin's character and (I think!) his reactions in Power Trip. Jealousy, maybe...?
[["What do you have to lose?"
My pride. My virtue.
But – if I was better off dead anyway, then what could it hurt to have these things ripped from me?]]
AAUGHH THE STRUGGLE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
[[I choked immediately, fighting between the instinct to spit it all out and just swallow the rest of it because it was halfway down my throat already.]]
Amazing chapter; you're really capturing the inner struggle perfectly. I would suggest maybe rewording this to [[I choked immediately, fighting between the instinct to spit it all out or just swallow the rest of it because it was halfway down my throat already.]] switch the "and" with "or" since it's a one or the other thing, yknow? Those are my thoughts, anyway!
[["Not bad Gayvin," he commented, reaching for another smoke and lighting it as I regained myself, wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt.]]
THAT NICKNAME HAS SO MUCH MORE MEANING NOW I JJST THOUGHT COLLIN WAS BEING A DICK (ahahah) BEFORE GOD DAMMIT
Now I realize the title Power Trip works on three different levels; Brecken's character, Gavin's character, and Collin's character
Why is everybody so messed up this story is so amazing omg
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 3 . 9/20
Another great one! Here's my commentary:
[[Then Collin James rounded the corner and a sixth instinct came over. This wasn't going to be good.]]
I love the "sixth instinct" phrase! I feel it's really accurate!
[[...and I would be lying to say if their laughter didn't fucking hurt even this second time around; like knives, stabbing hot right into my gut.]]
The imagery is so clear. I love this description.
[[Related to Madden North?" the sandy-haired soccer team member cut across.]]
just a TINY bit confusing because I'm not sure I ever read a description for Collin. This was the first chapter I even found out about his eye color (I guess Brecken wouldn't care to comment on those things, which makes sense because of his struggle with his sexual ID.) So yeah; it's just a tad confusing to understand who's talking, but I can infer from the next line that it's not Collin haha
LOL I loved Gavin's speech on why he loves Brecken, especially when he disses Collin. Yyeessss!
[[This information stung. A year. I had a year to get him to like me? Or else it was all over?]]
Ahhhh I can already tell this story is gonna be SO EPIC YEESS
Nick New's flyer cracked me up. Nothing but JOIN MY BAND is hilarious.
And now I'm off to the next chapter!
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 2 . 9/20
I love it, as always!
Here's my commentary for the chapter:
[[It left a giant, hollow chasm right in the middle of my chest – I was emptier than I'd ever felt in my entire life.]]
Aw... Poor Gavin... I feel your pain... It's okay; things get better...
[[It didn't concern me. Nothing concerned me.]]
[[The words echoed all the way up the stairs and under the door.]]
I love this.
OHMYGOD MADDEN YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE I HATE U
[[He would probably end up murdering him, and I couldn't let that happen. Not to my most important person.]]
IF I COULD DRAW I WOULD TOTALLY DO FANART OF THEM
[["Touch him? I'm going to fucking murder him." Told you.]]
Lol. I love Gavin's commentary; it really balances out the scene and makes it from getting too intense.
HOLY SHIT FURNITURE IS FLYING MOM IS SCREECHING WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS FAMILY WHAT IS HAPPENING
[[I didn't want her to worry. I just wanted to melt in a puddle and simply stop existing.]]
Gggaaavviinnnnn nooooooo my heart...
I like how him and Brecken eventually get together (which reminds me of the fact that I'll probably re-read Power Trip BECAUSE ITS JUST SO GOOD AND THIS IS SO PERFECTLY DEVELOPED once I'm done with this. And then save this story forever because it's right up there at the top next to Ondes by Stephen Dockers) but the space in between that is soooo sad... You weren't kidding when you told me this was dark lol!
| AndTheWholeHeartShrinks chapter 1 . 9/15
I love this.
Your writing of Power Trip was good, but this just takes it to a whole new level. I talk about that more in the comments below.
[[Maybe because I was staring so avidly that he couldn't help but look over, but he did something no one else had; he acknowledged my existence.]]
AAUUUGHHHH MY HEART!
[[He smiled a crooked grin as he was introduced in fourth period Bio, and a million little questions fluttered through my head. Was he shy? Embarrassed? Nervous? Or was that his genuine smile? It was perfect, no matter why it came about.]]
I'm gonna have a smile for this entire story; it's just way too cute...
[[It was disappointing, but I'd endured this my whole life, so I was quickly swept away again.]]
I love Gavin's character. He made Power Trip bearable considering how opposite Brecken is compared to him.
[[ It didn't matter if anyone had noticed, because I knew that no one had. Nobody ever did.]]
I've got this half-frown half-smile on my face like I don't know whether to whine or laugh because this is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Augh. Even the way this is structured ([[He noticed each one of these people, so why couldn't he notice me again?]] and then the lead in to Gavin staring into the mirror) is so beautiful and so... Elegantly solemn. I just love how you're writing this.
Excellent introduction for his parents. Immediately you've revealed his mother's personality, Gavin's relationship with them, and the state of their marriage within a few sentences. To put it simply, this takes skill to do.
[[But Brecken wasn't that perfect, and there were days he'd be on the field in the rain, kicking ball after ball into empty nets and there would be no smiles. Nothing except what I could only understand as a fierce determination to just get through life.]]
I love this.
[[And I also knew, deep down, that I didn't have a chance with him.]]
*sniff* no... No, Gavin, you do! Just wait!
[[I had to get it off my chest. I had to tell somebody, and my parents were my only friends.]]
AUGH IM ALMOST CRYING GAVIN YOU ANGEL
[["Tell who what now?" Dad asked, picking at Mom's infamously bad lasagne. He swallowed a piece with a grimace.]]
The timing of this and the way it's written is absolutely perfect. It's just the right amount of humor for things not to go too dark.
[[They won and suddenly I was thrust into another world. I couldn't hear the screams around me, I couldn't hear Mom or Dad. I could only hear my heartbeat and the voice in my head.]]
Again, beautifully written. So realistic, too. You really do an incredible job capturing Gavin's emotions; I can really feel what he's experiencing like I'm actually him!
What a wonderful chapter. I'm wondering if there's more than 11 chapters (hoping so) since it was recently updated and isn't marked as complete :DD
| Ash135 chapter 11 . 8/4
Ahhhhh so good, can't wait for more!