|Reviews for Somebody To Love|
| lianoid chapter 1 . 6/26/2012
[She felt him bury his head in her neck, and wondered if she would be left with a love bite in the morning.] -Personal: I would remove the comma since I feel it would flow better. Also, I might shorten it to read something along the lines of: "He buried his head in her neck and she wondered if she would be left with a love-bite in the morning."
[She, personally, had nothing against love bites, but some of her best friends despised them, saw them as the marks of a slut.] -Personal: I would remove the first "She" from this sentence.
[She saw him grin as she shifted forward, putting her hand at the bottom of his t-shirt.] -I understand this is from her perspective, but to add a bit more variety and shorten the sentences so they're more direct and stronger, you could easily say something like: "He grinned as she shifted forward, putting her hand at the bottom of his t-shirt." There are several sentences where an edit similar to this could be made (changing "she saw/she felt/whatever" to "He [did such-and-such]).
[From the small bag she had taken out with her the night before she withdrew a small collection of makeup and a compact mirror.] -Edit: Comma after "the night before."
[It would be wrong to say that, at that point in time, Robyn was in high spirits.] -Personal: I might remove the first "that" in order to get rid of the repetition.
["Luce," Robyn watched her friend carefully, looking for signs as to the reason why she was hanging out in the kitchen, in her dressing gown before nine in the morning, "what's up?"] -Edit: Change the comma after "Luce" to a period since the action that follows isn't a speaker tag, and capitalize the W in the final dialogue of that sentence.
["We couldn't just kick him out Robyn – please don't get mad at us."] -Edit: Comma after "kick him out" since Luce is directly addressing Robyn.
["I'm not pissed off at you guys Lucy."] -Edit: Similar idea here: Place a comma after "guys."
["Alright, thanks Luce."] -Edit: I'd change "Alright" to "All right" and remove "Luce" since we've already established who she's talking to. If not, a comma should be placed after "thanks."
[Lucy gave her a weak smile before heading up the stars] -Edit: Oops, missed an I in "stars." :)
[The first time she'd seen him, and he'd saved her.] -Personal: In order to remove the repetition of "the first time," I would reword this sentence to read something like: "He had saved her when they first met" or whatever you feel works best. Just a suggestion, totally up to you.
[utter dick heads had decided they wanted a piece of her arse.] -Edit: I would remove "had" from this sentence.
["Nate." She called, trying to wake him from his sleep."Nate." She called, trying to wake him from his sleep.] -Edit: Change the period after "Nate" to a comma and change "She called" to "she called." Also, there should be a comma after "up."
[His eyes fluttered open slowly, roaming over the room until they fell on her.] -Personal: I would remove "slowly" from this sentence since, personally, "fluttered" gives me the impression of slowly.
["Woken by an angel." He murmured, ignoring the glare she was currently sending him.] -Edit: Change the period after "angel" to a comma and change "He murmured" to "he murmured."
["What are you doing here Nate?"] -Edit: Same rule I mentioned earlier: Since she's directly addressing him, there should be commas around his name; in this case, directly after "here." There are several other parts that require this edit, so when you pull it for editing, keep an eye out for them.
[He stretched his legs out, until his toes connected with the sofa's armrest.] -Edit: The comma isn't necessary in this sentence.
[His eyes didn't leave her, and he felt himself wanting her, desiring her. "You always were sexy in that shirt darling."] -Edit: The rest of this chapter is in her POV, so this sentence doesn't really work since it's from his POV. Perhaps you could rework it from her POV saying something about her guessing/knowing what he was feeling, that she could see it in his eyes, or something.
All right, overall, this chapter was pretty good. Nothing really jumped out at me hook-wise, but you characterize Robyn pretty well, what with her just looking for one-night stands and her mysterious past with Nate. In regards to description, I could use a little more. I loved the scene where she was running for the bus, but did her feet feel cold, could she smell like sex (did she take a shower before she left?)... those are some details I think would work well to write in. Also, what does her house look like? Her roommate? Did she look tired when she walked in, how late is it? I just think that if you threw in a bit more detail, it would make this chapter come to life a bit more.
C. from RH.
| TonyL chapter 1 . 6/25/2012
First I like your story and plan on continuing story is interesting and easy to read except for one thing. You used "She" way to often. I think it would serve you better if you could substitute something else. I.E. The blonde rose from the table vice she rose from the table. You also add more information to your story this way.
I know it can be a pain to come up with other words. I havfe been guilty of doing it myself.
Overall a very good first chapter
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/22/2012
I've always enjoyed how you handle romance, mostly by using a very strong female protagonist who doesn't just fall into the waiting of arms of whatever man who's interested in her. I see Hazel's strength inside Robyn, so it felt a little nostalgic while reading this, haha. Of course, Robyn has her differences as well. I loved how you opened this chapter, too, with them getting down to business. The opening line is very interesting as well, and right away it says a lot about Robyn and her current state of mind. I thought you addressed the intimate scene very tastefully, without flowery descriptions but more raw and visceral. I always prefer those more - but I guess it's because I'm not shy of reading sex scenes, haha. xD
I know it's been awhile since you've updated this so Fictionpress has probably eaten the line separating the two scenes, but I'd suggest putting one between her making out with this guy and the next scene when she's getting on the bus. I think it took me a couple paragraphs to realize we had jumped ahead in time. But yeah, I really love the background information you subtly weaved into the narrative, about both Robyn and Nate. I especially liked how she would think of his scars and the more intimate moment they had while she was putting cream on his bruises. Poor guy... but I guess he brought it on himself, haha.
| starry-nights206 chapter 10 . 6/19/2012
[From Roadhouse Bar]
I like your characters and how well the dialogue flows in your story. That being said, I did get the feeling that the narration was a bit rushed. In the 10 chapters, we see snippets of Robyn's life and her relationships with her family, friends, and ex-lovers but not quite enough to really get to know them well. There are also a lot of unanswered questions (What exactly happened with Harrison and Robyn? What happened to her family, etc?) But again, these are probably attributed to the story's shortness.
All in all, good read though! :)
| J chapter 10 . 5/22/2011
I like that the story seems really realistic and most parts were straight to the point. However, I felt that some parts (like the drama parts) could be developed further and you could have portrayed how Robyn was feeling deeper (:
| serendipitous2 chapter 10 . 4/17/2011
Nice story! i just realized that this story is connected to Minor Talent :P LOL.. hehe
anyways, it was really good! :) i liked it _
you're really a great writer! XD Keep it up! _
| LuckyStar1881 chapter 10 . 2/2/2011
:D aw! This ending was perfect! And I like the way you used lyrics at the start of the chapter too! Nate was sweet, letting her go like that. When she told her friends to call Nate, I panicked, I thought she was going to end up with Nate, despite guessing that she'll end up with Harrison. xD
I really enjoyed Somebody to Love, and I hope you can do a revised edition on it! I'm sure it'll be awesomer! :) thanks for replying to my reviews, btw! I'll try to write fics on FictionPress too, but I'm not sure when. FanFiction is still my "home"! You can check out my fic there, I'm also LuckyStar1881 there! Yes, I only posted one fic up, cause I didn't think the rest was good enough!(: I'm trying to balance our between improving them and writing another fic now..:) oh, it's a Harry Potter fanfic! Draco X Hermione!
Love your works
| Frayling0 chapter 10 . 10/20/2010
And so Somebody to Love comes to an end! After Nate last chapter, I knew Robyn's story would end with Harrison, but despite my doubts, I'm glad it went smoothly. I'm also glad she's finally got some peace and happiness! They're gonna have a ball of a time at uni together, I can picture them now hehe! I loved her Mum's simple shake of the head too... she seemed content and sort of warm about her daughters situation... All in all, I've loved this story, you should be proud of yourself it's great! I look forward to reading more of your fiction soon! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 9 . 10/15/2010
I think Nate is hurting a lot more than he let on there :( You did the dialogue between them really well, I understand why Robyn is doing what she's doing, but it's a shame she had to let him down. I wonder if Nate's feelings were really genuine? I get the feeling they were. Great work as always, we'll see if Robyn can sort this all out won't we! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 8 . 9/13/2010
Christmas. A novel nickname haha! With Rosie possibly sorting out work experience for her, maybe things are looking up for Robyn? Great, involving chapter, not as dark as previous ones. Great work, no obvious faults! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 7 . 8/16/2010
And another male enters the scene... but will Robyn get a happy ending or just find more heartbreak? A transitional chapter of sorts, but it was a nice easy read to relax with this evening. I look forward to see what Tom will bring to Robyn's life... hopefully something happy haha. Good work :) ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 6 . 7/28/2010
Whoa... it started off lightly, but as always Robyn's life is never that simple. It seems her little sister can be bought off haha, no, I'm sure it's more than that. But the ending... wow you portray her emotions so well! Great work as always! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 5 . 7/12/2010
Do you know what? I believe Nate... but something tells me it isn't going to be as clear cut as that. For Robyn's sake I want her to have a stable relationship, and of course, to be happy. Well a lot of stuff is out in the open now, so next chapter will be interesting. Great use of emotion and drama! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 4 . 5/30/2010
Yum, love fajita's... that line made my hungry haha! Sorry... random I know. I get you're trying to make the story realistic but careful with the swear words - sometimes they can alienate readers when their favourite character unleashes the expletives, that said you create her character very well. The end was good, because without being explicit you relayed those emotions superbly. This is fast becoming a very real world. I get the feeling Robyn is missing something. It all seems to simple, and I think her world will come tumbling down very soon. Great work! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 3 . 5/18/2010
Another great chapter - and awesome effect with the final two lines. Noticed you've got a revised version of Play the Game up, might check it out some when. Great work as always :) ~ Luke