Reviews for Marked
Guest chapter 1 . 7/6/2012
Absolutely wonderful and creative story
summer-r0mance chapter 3 . 7/3/2012
This is great! I love how you described Dante.. and the twist )
summer-r0mance chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
I think it's the hope that she'll get with the cold bodyguard XD but it sounds interesting.. a princess with a curse.. which I guess is a 'cliche' from all those other fairytales.. but your story definitely isn't! I like the names you chose and how you've added little actions to give detail about the bigger picture.
Also, having correct grammar is a bonus. Great job so far )
jikap chapter 71 . 6/12/2012
I loved this story, thank you for posting it. _

Since you asked for it in the author's notes...

The first thing that popped up in my mind that might have been left unresolved or unclear is the decay of the marks. I don't think we were ever really given a cause of why people's marks were weakened or failing them. It was just something that happened everywhere. ;
RandomGirl chapter 69 . 6/6/2012
This story took me on an adventure of a lifetime. It took me through tears, had me up late at night to read it, had been forgetting all about my own world just to become apart of this world you created within these words. When it was all said and done it made me questions things in my mind. This story was well done and has moved me through more emotions than I have been through in a long time.

Keep up the good work and bless your talent!
Satah chapter 70 . 5/21/2012
Just letting you I read Marked and loved the story! Making a seperate story not bad!

Really felt touch though I do have question was Vanesse child a boy or gril? And did Calel had children
Because I'm So Evil chapter 16 . 5/13/2012
"She was smiling to herself and looking about, marveling at everything she saw." And yet she has never once done this before in any of the chapters...

"Which of course, she had asked a hundred questions about." And yet, again, have we once heard he do this before? Certainly no "of course."

Also, I don't exactly understand why he needed to take her to these people to get her killed... is there a reason that I missed? I must say, this is my favorite of your chapters yet, and there is some tension. However, I think this chapter would be MILES better in Calla's perspective. I do like hearing it from Dante's just because it does show a lot about his character, but it would be SO much more suspenseful if it was from Calla's. Such a let down of hope, so grief-strickening. And the dawning betrayal would be a fantastic device. Also, it would be a marvelous plot-twist.

"Thank you. Oh, your wages are to be accepted at Castle Varak," he added, as if it were an afterthought, or something he had nearly forgotten.

My blood ran cold, then began to heat up. I had been expecting to accept my earnings here. So that was the king's plan. He had tricked me as easily as he had fooled his own daughter. I should've realized it sooner. He intended to have me disposed of as well. The second I reached the castle, I would be killed, if not sooner.

Now, I personally love this plot twist. I guess I should have expected it, but I didn't. Wow, what a ruthless king...

Wow, that's terrifying what she did... And THIS was a great ending! VERY suspenseful. Definitely could use more description, of course, but it is BY FAR the best thing you have produced up to this point.
Because I'm So Evil chapter 15 . 5/13/2012
Okay, really, these "fade from consciousness" endings have GOT to stop. EVERY ending is the same; it's driving me INSANE!

"I had injured people far too many times, but this was the first time I had killed a fellow human. True, I had tried before, but now, there was blood on my hands, both literally and figuratively."

This is a rather inappropriate time to have a pun. I'm sure there is a much better way to describe her horror at herself than that last line in the couplet I pasted.

"Despite the anxieties weighing on my mind, I still wanted the opportunity to see more of this world." This line strikes me, because throughout the entire time, I've BARELY heard Calla make ANY note about the world around her. Only what they did and her not feeling well.

As a note, I must say I am beginning to get bored with this story. It's very, very depressing at this point, but not at all in a poignant way. There's SO much blood in every single chapter; it's almost numbing. Also, I'm hardly interesting in hearing about them visiting another barely describe town of some sort. Your settings to this point have been extremely grim and the whole tone is so, so solemn. I do understand there's a place for a solemn tone, but this is almost becoming drudgery. Firstly, I want to know what Calla is thinking about her journey as a whole. Again, where is the excitement for the cure? It's like she's forgotten about it. In that sense, the story's becoming aimless. They're just going places almost for no reason, and I'm following them to watch misfortune and sickness and depression follow... Not exactly rewarding... But I shall keep reading. However, if the story doesn't start to pick up a bit, I think you'll have lost me.
Because I'm So Evil chapter 14 . 5/13/2012

That should be somewhat of an indication of what I feel about the end of your chapter

I have a feel even this chapter you could do without, however, I do appreciate it more than some of the others, because it's a very interesting insight into Dante's character. The portrayal of Calla is also particularly shocking, yet intriguing. This scene is pretty good - a richer writing style would make it better.
Because I'm So Evil chapter 13 . 5/12/2012
1. Chapter WAY TOO SHORT AGAIN. Also, really random and disjointed. She lost consciousness the chapter before and was like sick or something, and then there's no mention of it here. Really confusing.

2. ARG SHE LOST CONSCIOUSNESS AGAIN AS A WAY TO END THE CHAPTER! See, this gets really annoying, and it's like the fourth time you've done it *in a row* practically. This is at least the eighth time you've done it...

Otherwise, I don't know what to say about this chapter. I just don't feel like it was well-written at all - far to rushed for even me to understand what was happening. And there was no tension, hardly.
Because I'm So Evil chapter 12 . 5/12/2012
Interesting, they're both cursed... :D

I hope you know that I do enjoy this plot-wise, but you style is very, very lacking. I don't know how old you are, and that does make a difference; I also don't know how long ago you started writing this, but it is certainly worth a rewrite, in my opinion. I do like the characters and the tension and the pacing. Dante is particularly interesting, intelligent, dark, and such an anti-hero. He's so immoral and cruel , and yet there are glimpses of a conscience in him. Calla is sweet and dear and her other form is such an interesting stark contrast. Cas, while slightly weaker than the two, is still a nice character, being protective and wise, but still innocent and a little dreamy.

*sigh* But for the complaints... again, chapter was too short and really revealed too little. I'm gonna say it and I know you're gonna hate it... I don't think you need this chapter... I really, really don't... just bogs down the narrative...

So, here's a list of the basic changes I think you could make to this story:

1. Eliminate all chapters from perspectives outside of Calla's. (Maybe this won't work with some of the later chapters, but it'd definitely work with these ones)

2. With the remaining chapters, rewrite them so that they're twice as long as they are now.

3. In your rewrites, concentrate on adding concrete, sensuous detail. Also, heavily, heavily make use of your setting. Make much better use of the ambiance and the tone of your story in general.

4. Try to show much more than you tell. If you find your characters commenting things to the audience about other people, places, etc., see if you can incorporate that elsewhere into the narrative so that it doesn't stop the narrative itself and overload the audience with the narrator's opinions.

5. I like all of your characters, but they could all use to be fleshed out more. Calla, while wonderfully conflicted and beaten down, seems to be defined in her human state solely by her low self-esteem and her wanting to have friends and letting people mistreat her. Show us more of her passions and her dreams. Tell us about how excited she is to become "normal" soon. Show us more of her than her just being beaten down and a martyr. Show more of Dante too (even in his superficial appearance) as being more than arrogant. Perhaps he comes across as self-absorbed, judgmental, prejudiced, superior acting, mean, narcissistic, etc. Granted, these words all have similar meaning, but even in these there's a sense of less clichéd-ness. They make his pride sound even more hurtful and cruel that merely "arrogant." I don't know, I think you could just stress more how heartless and merciless he seems right now and really how much of an unlikeable bully he is at the moment. Cas... he's too flat, but what can you do about that? He hardly has any "screen-time" to be anything but. I mean, he does have flaws and virtues, and so he's at least somewhat three-dimensional. It's just not satisfying enough, though...

6. Finally, eliminate all but two "loss-of-consciousness" endings - especially if they're just falling asleep. Even that's too generous, but it's a start at least.

Anyway, hope that helps!
Because I'm So Evil chapter 11 . 5/12/2012
"Leaving already, Dante?" asked a woman, most likely the innkeeper. He was stocky and appeared tough, but had an air of kindness about him. -Need I say more?

Also, I forgot to tell you on your last chapter: you ended with another "I feel asleep"/black-out scene. You've had... what, five or six of those already? Do you see how it's starting to cheapen the drive of the plot and look weak?

The innkeeper glared at the tall bodyguard. "Dante, stay here another day. She's in no condition to travel any more right now." Not really the best use of the word "glare." You might want to use another word or even phrase that further implies the quality of his character. Also, it would have been much better if you hadn't had all your characters telling us about his character instead of showing it himself. Take advantage of your descriptions to describe his mannerisms and his heart through things like gestures, glances, and smiles - and of course the words he speaks, the way he speaks them, and the subtle social emphasis he puts on them.

Also, Calla seems like she's constantly getting sick and seems desperately feeble. That's not necessarily bad, but here it comes off as soap-opera-ish. Some of the way you describe things from her point of view seem martyrish and sort of obviously trying to show how virtuous or generous she is. I don't know... I feel it's coming off as pretty hammy... Also, ARG THE CHAPTER ENDS WITH A LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS... ERG MAKE IT STOP... This is what... the sixth or seventh time now?
Because I'm So Evil chapter 10 . 5/12/2012
"'Hello, Dante,' said the innkeeper, a rough, burly man with eyes like flint and a heart of an equally solid material." Like a heart of gold or a hard heart (like of ice even)? This cliché is reeeaaaallll vague and not worth it. Better to show what his heart is made of than tell what it is.

"'Shut up,' I hissed angrily, feeling myself lose my cool for the second time in one day.

'Make me,' he taunted childishly." This is something out of a badly written high school drama soap-opera. Also, "losing my cool" is a very out of place phrase. It's far too colloquial for the more archaic high-fantasy style you've been employing. Also, while I appreciate what this says about Dante's character, I can't help thinking that, again, this chapter isn't probably necessary to the story. You could basically summarize it in the form of Calla asking him what happened to his arm when she wakes up.
Because I'm So Evil chapter 9 . 5/11/2012
I actually do like this chapter, and some of your description is good. I actually do like your sense of pacing, again. Things feel like they’re natural and not particularly rushed in a plot-sense. More description would do you wonders, especially of your settings. What are the colors you see in this town? What’s the architecture like? What are the notable buildings? What strikes you? What’s the feel? What are the smells? What do the passing faces reveal to you? How does Calla feel being in a town for the first time? Describe her enthusiasm, wonder, and shock! Breathe more life into your ambiance.
Because I'm So Evil chapter 8 . 5/11/2012
Again, I don’t see this chapter as necessary in any way shape or form. You could simply have him explain it to Calla when she woke up in an aloof manner that might reveal his growing concern of her. The tense change from past to present towards the beginning is also rather awkward. However, again, I do like how reluctant he is to even like her. He seems to really, genuinely hate her, and is truly not afraid in any way, shape, or form to kill her – except now with Cas’ threats looming over his head.
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