This is very good. I like the style of your writing. It actually held my attention, which, hardly anything does. Good job! Keep up the good work. The only thing i'd tell you to do, is if your writing towards a higher age level- maybe college students to adults, you may want to add a bit more vocabulary. But it's awesome nonetheless, and your wording is better than most. Good job, again!

This is really good. It's very intriguing. Keep writing!