|Reviews for Hey Trevor|
| name redacted chapter 8 . 6/3/2010
How sweet. :) Just a couple of notes:
1. Some of the dialogue seems a bit stiff (ex."You are such a crazy girl." Trevor said admiringly. "Sure, can I use this ladder because I doubt your parents will allow me into your room, even if it is just to get on the roof…"). Most of it has gotten more fluid,but you may want to read through it (I heard it helps to read it aloud) to check the flow.
2. As far as the fact is concerned, I think it's the pupils, not the eye itself, although the way that it's presented could just be misconstrued due to the colloquiality of the dialogue, which would make sense, because real people do tend to mix up their words when nervous (though if that is the case you may want to note on it in the narrative).
3. What's going on with the joke about the fruit?
4. What does Trevor look like (I might have just forgotten, but I don't remember an actual description).
Sorry that things didn't work out in real life. Just out of curiosity, does "Trevor" (no idea if the names were left the same or not) know that you wrote this?
Curious about what sort of ending you write. Will be reading.
| name redacted chapter 7 . 6/2/2010
Sorry it took so long to review this. I like the progression of events and clarity of the central plotline. The parents seem appropraitely awkward, although I wouldn't be able to say anything about how realistic that is from an adult perspective, being not an adult. Some of the wording is still a bit awkward (ex. repetition in "Rubbing her feet and silently judging her feet"), and may require some proof reading, although as far as I can tell, the writing is mechanically clean. Also, the sequence of events involving Kaylie going into the Italian resteraunt confuses me a bit. Why does she want to go home so badly? Why is she standing around listening to her ipod in the resteraunt? What's a meatball grinder? Additionally: I don't text much, but aren't the messages a little lengthy? Consise, but possibly not realistic. Similarly, would someone say :"Oh and if you want to hang out u can just txt me or call me at 132-4354" in a chat message? It seems a bit unweildly. Still, a good story with a highly coherant flow. I think I've got a pretty good idea of where this is going (hope they end up togeather), and can't wait to see it finished.
| name redacted chapter 6 . 4/26/2010
Great characterization. This chapter provides some valuable insight into Alanna's love life, and Kaylie's (deteriorating? I hope not) situation with Trevor. Just a few notes:
1. Alanna's boyfriend is named Kevin. So who's Connor? ("They were making cookies as their new scheme to get Connor to say 'I love you'")
2. Is there any relevance to the example about Carl and Carol (watch the similar naming)? As well as it exposes Alanna's past expriences, it seems a dismal way to try and comfort her friend.
3. I'm probably just forgetting, but they're talking about a seventh grader, so how old are they again?
4."They always joked with each other. It was how they showed affection, like most friends." Isn't exactly necessary, being that this is customary between friends.
5. Early on in the narration, you make libral use of exclamation points. Being an outside narrator, you may want to consider omiting a few of them, though they do establish a sort of voice for the narrator.
Otherwise, great chapter. Can't wait to see where this goes.
| name redacted chapter 5 . 3/21/2010
I like the way that the story is progressing. It's pretty interesting. Like, I think I might be getting emotionally invested, because as I'm reading this I'm just like "Trevor, why would you say that?" I feel like one of those people who yells at the tv. Also, great metaphore with "uses people like a tissue."
The only thing that I don't get is when exactly everyone started reffering to each other as dude (not to say that it is necessarily inconsistent, because I might just not remember. That's just as far as I can tell). And I'm not exactly sure of what Trevor's getting at with making up a girlfriend, but I take it that that will get worked out as the story progresses.
| Madison302-too lazy to sign in chapter 5 . 3/20/2010
| name redacted chapter 4 . 3/16/2010
Great plot development/rising action. I'm looking forwards to the next chapter. :)
Just a note on grammar: There are a few shifts between first and third person perspective which seem inadvarant.
| name redacted chapter 3 . 3/8/2010
Love how the story is progressing. Great flow of colloquial dialogue.
You just may want to check out the dialogue grammar/punctuation. Also, the sudden descriptive passage at the begining seemed out of place (physically describing Kaylie in the third paragraph)
Did you write the song lyrics, or is that an actual recorded peice of music?
| name redacted chapter 2 . 2/23/2010
Interesting development. And seriously, this reads just like a young adult novel. I would just suggest straightening out this chapter a little, because the jumping between time frames and formating of the dialogue gets a little bit confusing.
| chewychester chapter 2 . 2/22/2010
What did it say?
| keena kalina chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
Great story line! I really enjoyed the chat dialogue additions to the story. Hopefully they can get over the in-person awkwardness and move on to the next stage! :)
| opti-pesti-mistic chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
Ha! I'm ur first review! Did your heart speed up and did you get all excited when you saw this little review in your inbox? Ah, the beauty of online writing, I love it. Maybe I'll post my story on here, we can edit each other, and maybe I'll write within a reasonable time period. No going out and finding a different editor on me though, we have an agreement!
| name redacted chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
Love the product placement at the beginning. I'm not entierly sure how they're going to end up dating if they don't actually talk in person (or how they met and started talking on facebook, because chatting with unfamiliar aquantances isn't considered a regular social behavior, so you may want to look into this), but it seems to flow well so far, and the mechanics are good. Also, I really like "Stalking her with his eyes". Good figurative language.