|Reviews for If I asked|
| Nariki chapter 3 . 2/23/2011
This was adorable, and Gabe is so cute! I hope you update .
| Wanabet chapter 3 . 2/23/2011
I really like this story but prefer when its Elliots POV. I think it flows better when it is. Anyway Update soon.
| themallionaires chapter 1 . 2/23/2011
Since the stupid new user block thingo won't let me private message you. I suppose I’ll just have to tell you here that I’d like to be your beta. If you message your email to my account I’ll email details to that email…if you aren’t catching on…um…just message your email to my account.
| Wanabet chapter 2 . 11/14/2010
I want an intro of the parents, if this family is this messed i cant wait to meet mommy and daddy. I really like the chapters are a little short, but other than that its good update soon.
| 1 chapter 1 . 11/13/2010
Whoa, I am awestruck by the amount of time you used the word 'smile' in the first chapter. If you haven't counted, it's about 60 times. Plus an additional 3 in the next chapter. If I knew someone who smiled that much, I'd be suspicious and a little freaked out.
| Indigo Masquerade chapter 2 . 11/13/2010
You're also NaNo ignoring? Me too _ 'tis fun stuff.
ANYWAY, review time.
You kinda slip out of past and present tense a bit here. You better keep an eye on that. It wasn't too distracting though, so don't worry.
Besides that, I liked this chapter. Looking forward to seeing what comes next :)
| Indigo Masquerade chapter 1 . 11/13/2010
I hate your guts. You told me to say that. Nah, your guts are probably just fine.
I think you concentrated a wee bit too much on physical descriptions in this chapter. It was kinda like hair colour, eye colour, a line or two about their personality. Made it kind of confusing. Though I must say, I adored Mary's description, it made me laugh out loud.
Another thing, if the mother is such a flake I wonder why she'd bother breastfeeding in the first place?
I'm just nitpicking now, sorry :P Great first chapter, love to see where it's going.
I'm skipping on to the next chapter now :)
| Srahil chapter 1 . 3/10/2010
I really liked how long it was, but you and the other reviewers were right about the POV thing. Luckily that's easy to fix.
I also noticed that the POV usually changed when you were showing Elliot's thoughts... which is odd because since it is in his POV there is no reason at all to go to "he wondered if the other had a little brother or something"
And at some points you call Kayden "the male" which bothers me to some extent, but probably isn't such a big deal out of my head as it is in my thoughts. It just seems weird to me, since not only are they both males, but since Elliot knows Kayden's name, it would probably sound better if he used it.
That all feels really negative... I'm not sure if I have the heart to tell you what's wrong with your story. It makes me feel mean. v.v
On the plus side I really like all of the names, and there's a big cast for you to work with, so I can't wait to see what kind of plot it has. (Other than what is already known from the first chapter.)
| Funkiminki chapter 1 . 3/7/2010
I loved that!It was so interesting. It makes me want to know what happens and all that. The only bad thing is that it changed from third-person to first-person quite alot and without warning. I will say that I do prefer first-person alot better.
| annouska chapter 1 . 3/2/2010
I really enjoyed the first chapter! I did spot a mistake: most of the chapter is Elliot's POV but at some point it was third person POV. And Elliot smiles a lot, doesn't he? I mean, you use the verb smile 3 times in each paragraph. I suppose he's a smiley person in general, but youcould use various verbs for that, right?
All in all, I like your characters. They're well-developed, and Kayden's really intriguing! Keep writing, please!