|Reviews for A Vampire Queen|
| Knowledge is Power chapter 15 . 6/23/2010
| Lady Lucia chapter 4 . 6/23/2010
I like this chapter a lot! It has the nice details I crave for...like when you were describing the bathroom...very nice! I also enjoyed the first paragraph. I don't know...I just liked it a lot!
Just a few things...
"Soon, Mara had her dressed in the beautiful blue gown, which clung to her curves in all the right places. "I look tall and skinny," she groaned with distaste. Girls were meant to be fuller than her, but she could usually hide it in baggier clothes. This dress showed all, right down to her sharp collar bones and knobby arms."
The first sentence in this paragraph kinda contradicts the rest of it. By saying the gown "clung to her curves in all the right places" the image of a full, curvy woman comes to mind, but then Elaina is described as tall and skinny with "sharp collar bones and knobby arms", a contrast to someone who is full and curvy. Maybe if you were to simply cut out "which clung to her curves in all the right places" and end the sentence there...?
She looked her lips, hoping that the flush rising on her neck wasn't as obvious to him as it was to her. "And who do you feed on?"
Do you mean LICKED her lips...? (I use all caps on the words just to point out the difference between what you wrote and what I'm suggesting. It's not to rub anything in your face or anything! D:)
"Whoever I feel like feeding on." Elaina flinched. "If you mean by that question, 'Will I feed on you', the answer is most likely yes, at some point. Living with a vampire does have its downsides, unless you like that sort of thing. But no, not very often."
I think by having "Elaina flinched." between Ansley's dialogue, it seems like Elaina is the one talking. At first I did think she said that, and I found it odd, but then I realized it was Ansley answering her question. So...just a suggestion.
Oh yeah...something else that bothered me was how easily Elaina slipped into the atmosphere of having been kidnapped by a vampire and then having to eat with him. I'd though she would have put up more of a fight...or at least been more rude to him. She was stuttering and calling him Master. I understand hunger taking over, but before that happened, I expected her to insult him in some way or refuse to talk to him. Just thought she wouldn't have caved in so easily to her situation...
But like I said...I really liked this chapter a lot! w00t to details!
| Random Things chapter 15 . 6/22/2010
Elaina a queen?
I'm looking forward for the next chapter to see how she does...
| Lady Lucia chapter 3 . 6/21/2010
I'm curious as to why he wants Elaina...
Anyways...some things that bugged me...Elaina going for a walk was really random and abrupt. I know you wanted to send her away to set up the scene of when she returns, but I think if she was sent off on some errand, it would flow smoother into the story.
Also..."She may have dress like a noble" Do you mean she may have A dress like a noble...? She may have been dressED like a noble...?
I think that was it...and where is the blob! I mean...the kitty cat? D:
| Lady Lucia chapter 2 . 6/21/2010
I totally spoiled some of this story for me by reading some of the reviews... -_-
Anyways...simple but nice chapter!
Your paragraph, "Light footsteps came into the kitchen...that was why they had any money at all." seemed a bit disorganized. You jump between her physical features to her reading/education and the family debt/living condition back to her reading. The paragraph before this one ("Gone were the days when she could go out to the front yard and pump from fresh water from the well. No, they'd sold that house shortly after Elaina had been born. All because her fool husband had that damn addiction.") you also talk about the family's living condition/debt. I think you should have continued writing about the living condition and the debt the family has after the "damn addiction" sentence. Such a sentence asks for elaboration really.
You can then have a separate paragraph introducing Elaina and her physical appearance. You can end Elaina's introduction paragraph with the mention of her reading/education and simply state how that also causes the debt to rise even more.
That way...it doesn't seem as disorganized. Hope you understood that. If tutoring taught me one thing...face to face interaction with a hard copy is the best way to go when helping out with revisions/editing...x.x
"The gray blob darted into the woods anxiously, knowing very well where they were headed." I seriously thought you had an actual BLOB in the story. Some cool sci-fi pet thing...yeah...haha. But then I figured out it was the cat. What if you put "gray blob of fur" or something like that so it won't cause confusion. I mean...I couldn't have been the only one who thought it was an actual blob, right? Right! D:
"It was slowly making progress downstream, and she jogged alongside the stream after it. "Smudge, wait there for me. I'll be right back." Then she ran off after the bucket.
The stream didn't move too fast, just fast enough that she had to jog to keep up with the bucket's progress."
I think you already established more than enough times that she's jogging after the bucket.
"She stooped to finish her chore, then started back home for real this time."
I doubt you need "for real this time" after this sentence. You've established that she has nothing else to do but go back home since she finished her "chore."
Uh...yet again just my personal opinion on it...but yay! Hope I get to finish it soon.
P.S. I'm jealous of you and your lack of typos...*pouts*
| Lydia Night chapter 15 . 6/21/2010
(excited laugh) i cant wait to read more! you must update as soon as you can. i cant wait to find out what happens next. oh and thank you! (takes cookie from tray) lol
| Lady Lucia chapter 1 . 6/21/2010
Mysterious intro! :o
I'm guessing this is going to take place a few hundred years ago...maybe? I'm horrible with history, and I'm taking a guess because one of the characters is a Lord and took the pains to disguise himself as a peasant. Or at least that's what I'm going with since I've only read this much of the story.
When Lord Jason says, "I'm sorry sir. I couldn't get it in time. I can have it in a year or so. Honest!" It sounds like something a kid would say to evade a punishment...especially that "honest" thrown at the end. Since Jason seems to be of a higher class, but also inferior to the before him, maybe he can say something like "I apologize, sir. I don't have the money, but I swear I can get it within a year! My men-" And the stranger (I'm guessing he's the vampire) can interrupt him with his dialogue. This can add to stranger's superior and mysterious essence...ya know...since he interrupted a Lord with a I-don't-give-a-f00k-about-your-current-situation response.
Blah...hope that makes sense...I'm sleepy...as my past two reviews on your other story can tell you...
Anyways...I'll come back to this later...probably switch between the two stories.
Another thing...if this is going to take place in the past how I think it is...It'd be fun to sprinkle the vocabulary,syntax, etc...of that time frame. At least it sounds like fun. If done right, it doesn't seem all that cliche... :P
| Stahlut chapter 15 . 6/20/2010
Wow becoming someone's mate. I can certainly understand the hesitation, personally I don't think I could ever do it. So I knwo Elaina will have trouble with it, and I wonder whether ansley will come back. That has lots of potential to be awkward, so I can't wait.
| ebs12 chapter 15 . 6/20/2010
um, wow. can honestly say that of all the things i was expecting, that was not it. looking forward to seeing how this goes and what ansley's reaction is
| NexusCRStorm chapter 15 . 6/20/2010
You have a strong plot which is good and some likeable characters however I feel that there is a great deal of detail missing which would help set the scene and make your readers feel as if they were standing there next to Elaina as everything is happening.
What did it feel like to run at that speed ?, weather ?, atmosphere inside the kings chamber ?
Is there a general form of demon or are there many types of demon.
One correction from the chapter :
He nodded. "We heal human slow what demons attack.
should that be with what demons attack or
when demons attack.
All in all...you have a good base, but there is definite room for improving.
| Taquint chapter 15 . 6/19/2010
Oh my..the king has died and now a queen and another king! This is so exciting I could just die. So your starting off slow with the romance between her and philly..let's just call him philly LOL, and then full blown? Good chapter, I'm loving it!
| Lydia Night chapter 14 . 6/14/2010
wow this s really good. i really want o read more. KEEP WRITING!
| Stahlut chapter 14 . 6/12/2010
I really like this story. It took me in, and I just had to read more. You have done a really really good job. I hope you update soon because I really want to know what's going to happen.
| Random Things chapter 14 . 6/12/2010
oh no! whats happened to the king?
elaina is a good actress!
this chapter is truly good!
| Taquint chapter 14 . 6/11/2010
THANK GOD you didn't whore her out. And she's picking up on things quite lovely, I'm loving it over and over