|Reviews for Minor Talent|
| lookingwest chapter 17 . 7/27/2010
She hated answer phones.
-Edit: "answer" should be "answering"
Eh, with the conversation where Hazel and Frank are confronting one another about the night before, I honestly am having a hard time believing Frank's feelings. Especially the line about him wishing she would run back into his arms-I really don't remember Hazel ever being *in* his arms anyway. I just don't feel that they ever had a strong connection, and I didn't believe Frank when he implied that they did. So maybe again, if you do want it to come across more strongly (his feelings for her), add in more date scenes with him before Hazel leaves with Dai's band on tour-or more of a bigger bonding experience. You had me distracted with Dai, I think, the last time the two had a serious date, and I just don't feel like they ever were that serious.
Getting to parts that I did like though-I enjoyed the part where you revealed the gossip line, haha. That was so realistic, I think, that, that sort of gossip would be getting around an entire office building. I also liked how you started with the aftermath with a conversation concerning Katie. I haven't seen her in awhile, so it's good to see her back in Hazel's life as that structure, and I thought her connection with Frank and her family was fun and unique. I also liked how she did allude that what Hazel did was very serious-and that she could have lost her job because of it. So glad Katie is cool though, haha.
I'm glad that I finally caught up with this story! I've been meaning to catch up for such a long time, so I look forward to more updates, and keep it coming-I want to see these developments with Dai! I'm also secretly really glad that Frank is now entirely out of the picture, XD, her maybe romantic relationship with him certainly was diffused with a bang!
| lookingwest chapter 16 . 7/27/2010
Oh no! Crap-this is going to make Dai angry with Hazel isn't it? When he finds out that she was the one who took that CD! Arrughh! These couples need to be more truthful with one another! XD
With this part, as far as I editing, I'm noticing some places in the dialogue where you could have a comma in place to pause when someone's speaking. It might suit you to just read your work aloud for one edit when you're re-reading it. Here's an example:
"Wow that was stronger than I expected."
-Style suggestion: add a comma in after "wow"
I normally don't mess with dialogue either, as far as the content, but there's instances like this where it would feel more natural for there to be a pause-but all of them are really optional too, so it's up to you when you edit.
Wow, that was an amazing exit on Hazel's part-shocking! I didn't think she'd do it-but them, I'm not sure why I doubted her, I mean, Hazel is so cool, haha. It's also awesome that you showed that Hazel had more of a relation to the waiters and the bartender than the actual guests of the party, haha.
Oh, and before I forget, that conversation with Dai was great too-I loved how he was kind of drunk and the way you had him talk-his accent, everything, just really came through in that phone call, and even though it's making me really nervous about him freaking out about that CD that Hazel has, it still was great to see him and Hazel finally making up, somewhat. I'm so glad that Dai was there too, to help her through that awkward party, XD.
Man, I really can't wait to see what happens now!
| lookingwest chapter 15 . 7/27/2010
She'd have to be something special, defiantly.
-Edit: "defiantly" should be "definitley"
Deciding she wasn't going to get to sleep anytime soon, she flicked the radio on.
-Style suggestion: omit "get to" and end, "...she flicked on the radio."
Ah, it's good to see Hazel taking a moment to really reflect on her recent revelation about Dai. I'm glad to see her train of thought too, I like where it's heading, haha. I especially enjoyed the bit about her thinking about changing her lifestyle for him. I really hope that the two will reconcile with one another-it's frustrating, XD, but that's a good writer, haha, always making the reader frustrated! Good job with mixing up the memories with what's happening in the present too, I liked the bit about the introductions. It's cool how you're still incorporating moments from the tour, even though Hazel isn't with them anymore. You're still developing those scenes...
"I always treat my guests' right."
-Edit: don't think that "guests" needs the apostrophe
This was a good "aw" moment for the readers, I think, haha. I liked again, the theme with Hazel reminiscing about the past. I just hope that all of this reminiscing will make her change her future. The dialogue here was great, I got the feeling the two were friends, and that worked out wonderfully. Also thought the bit about the ex Will was well well placed and I liked how you incorporated into the conversation-their dialogue and talk was natural and it didn't seem forced at all. Loved that, this was a fun scene.
Uh-oh, this is one of those dates I was worried about. Still though, I feel the distance as a reader that you're putting between us and Frank is still present. I've never felt that Hazel even remotely considered him as a serious guy she would be seriously romantically involved with-and especially not now. I wish she would be truthful with him though, right now, it's kind of frustrating that she's leading him on. I just don't like Frank, XD, it's clear, just from that whole wardrobe thing, that they're not really fit for each other-wish Frank would give up his romantic engagement with Hazel like she has.
I found that you ended a lot of sentences with prepositions in this beginning of the part-make sure that you watch that too with your writings.
"Now, Marie, don't scare of Frank's friend,"...
-Edit: "of" should be "off"
Ahh, good realization for Hazel! The more and more you describe him, the less and less I like him, XD. Why would he not tell her about the subject of the party? What a meany. I loved how you ended this chapter too, that was so fun, haha, and snappy! I love snappy endings. So yeah-this is a cool development, you really had me curious about what this party would entail, and I can't wait to see who called Hazel, and how the rest of the party plays out...
| lookingwest chapter 14 . 7/27/2010
Remember, that edit-wise, when you're ending your dialogue with a comma and continuing the sentence, you never should capitalize the pronoun of the character in the speaker tag. I'm still seeing a lot of instances like this, and I know I've corrected it before in past chapters, so this is just a reminder again. It seems that you're still doing it with every tag, so I won't go through and point them out specifically like I have in the past because you know what I'm talking about.
Other than the speaker tags though, I saw no other grammar/spelling errors. I'm also glad that you did end up putting this scene into its own chapter. I think it was a good decision since Hazel finally learns a lot about herself, and it's good to put focus on that for the reader as well.
I liked the way that you cut to a memory with Dai in the beginning, that was creative-I did sort of have to read it twice just to get the transition, but I see no other way to work it in and make it clearer, and in this instance, though I'm usually against italics, I think it was a smart move here. I'm glad he was still in the chapter, XD, at least in thought, haha. I love Dai!
Which brings me to: YAY! I'm so glad that Hazel has finally admitted to herself that she might be in love with Dai! I'm so excited for further chapters to find out what she does with this new found information. I almost expected that you would put more emphasis on Frank's character-like, more of a decision Hazel-wise-but you made it pretty clear through the past chapters that it would be Dai, and will always be Dai. I would suggest if you ever go back to edit, and you want to build more tension about who Hazel will choose, maybe add more scenes in with Frank's character-make Hazel have the same sort of bonding experience she did with Dai when she went on tour for them. But that really isn't needed if you don't want it to be.
I also liked how you used Adam as the conduit character for her realization about her love for Dai-the way you incorporated him was great. I'd almost forgotten about his character though-maybe to keep him more into the story, Hazel could do comparisons throughout her time with Frank and Dai and go, "wow, my ex Adam never said that..." or something to that effect-then again, maybe you did and I just don't remember properly, that could be the case, haha. But anyway, it's still cool that you were able to rework him in, and not as a villain, but as someone helpful and insightful. I love it when minor characters can come up with a greater purpose, XD.
Overall, this chapter just makes me really excited to continue reading!
| this wild abyss chapter 4 . 7/24/2010
Reviewing as I go:
- Once again, I like how Hazel categorizes men. And you elaboration was brilliant. Not too much like a list, but almost. Giving information, yet still keeping something back. Or at least it seemed that way to me.
- Aww, poor Frank. I really like him. Too bad the Welsh dude is being so impolite. And somehow, I know you’re going to make Hazel fall in love with him, which sucks.
- Great chapter, as always. Your writing is really easy to fall in love with, I guess. It’s simple, but really effective. And the pacing is perfect for the content.
| this wild abyss chapter 3 . 7/24/2010
Okay, so bad stuff first, if you don't mind.
-In between the first and second scenes, you sort of forgot the little scene breaky thing, which made for a rather confusing transition.
- I'm not sure that "speeded up" is the correct way to put what you wrote. Maybe "up-tempo"?
Okay, good stuff. (:
- Hazel's character is showing to be very strong, even at this point in time. I'm really liking her.
- In fact, all of your characters are very interesting and well-written.
- Great, no awesome, no FANTASTIC chapter, as always. Very nice.
| ranDUMM chapter 17 . 7/24/2010
Aww :) This was a really cute chapter! I loved the interaction between Hazel and Katie. It was funny and to the point, and I can actually understand what Hazel meant about Katie knowing her really, really well. It's true, and it comes out int he writing.
A a sharp contrast, I felt really sad while reading the bit with Hazel and Frank. I thought Frank was an idiot and I wished wished wished they wouldn't get together, but I still feel really sorry for him now :( The poor guy. But at least they (somewhat) made up, and he's not too angry at her anymore.
To be honest, I miss Dai. To have seen him every chapter for a while, it was weird to only get a mention of him once or twice here. But I guess that's just life!
Another awesome chapter, glad to see you're updating kaster again! :D
| Narq chapter 13 . 7/22/2010
I saw that it was rated M and I thought that you would play around with them a bit. Turns out you didn't XP
anyways, a sweet scene, and a sad breaking up of the gang.
Wolf's “Who’s going to cook for us now?” was really funny and shows his personality well!
| Narq chapter 12 . 7/22/2010
Aw! DAI and Hazel~~ I guessed it two chapters back, and I love that it's true!
sorry, short review because I want to know what's gonna happen next!
| Narq chapter 11 . 7/22/2010
Just wondering, who's POV are you writting in? It seems like you aren't anywhere. It seems as if you just show what's going on, but I can feel any emotions from any of the characters or their thoughts. Chose one character and stick with him/her if you don't know what to do, and then you can continue with your current style, but keep in mind that you're seeing this all through her/his eyes.
| Narq chapter 10 . 7/22/2010
I really liked Dai in this chapter. He seemed different, serious, almost. He handled this really well.
And you ended this really sweetly; I think this is one of the best chapters you've written!
| Narq chapter 9 . 7/22/2010
"Sosban fach yn berwi ar u tân, Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr..."
- what was that?
"Aw bless," Hazel giggled. "The little boy tired himself out."
- consider putting Hazel giggled first or last.
"Is PMSING!" The three finished together, eyes darting to Hazel, her arm now over her stomach.
- huh? I don't understand. Sorry, I'm probably very slow today.
Andy/Wolf/Hazel, they all are really wonderful characters and you've done a good job on the dialgoue side of things, but you seriously need to add more information about setting and phsyical description.
| Kurisuten chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
I totally love the set-up for this story! Someone in my family is named Hazel, so I kind of have to readjust my mind so that I'm not constantly thinking of her. Hahaha xD
ANYWAYS! The dialogue in the beginning draws the reader in very well, and I love Hazel's character. The fact that she even went to the wedding was very brave of her, for lack of better words, and it gives her good character in my opinion. The setting description is a tad lacking, but I didn't really notice because I was enjoying reading the actual story :).
I can't wait to read on and see what you've done with this! I can't believe I haven't read this earlier :)
| lianoid chapter 17 . 7/20/2010
"I think Frank thought I was someone I wasn't. I hated it there Kate."
-Edit: Comma after “there”.
"Well, you're not suited to be lady of the manor Haze.
-Edit: Comma after “manor”. Note: In dialogue, when someone is addressing someone else by their name, a comma should come before it (and if the name is in the middle of a sentence – which I haven’t seen quite often – I believe commas are supposed to go around it). I won’t point out this type of error again, though. Just wanted to throw it out there. :D
"I'm glad to be back though."
-Edit: Comma after “back”. Same thing goes with “though”. Most of the time, I believe, commas are supposed to go around it.
"You're the only one who can decide what to do, darling. I'll speak to you later; I've got a fabulous new book to read." She winked at Hazel before strutting down the office, returning to her own desk.
-Personal: I felt that her dialogue ended a bit too abruptly. I think if you tossed a “though” after “later” to read “I’ll speak to you later, though. I’ve got a...” it might smooth it out a little.
As much as I adore this story, two things bothered me in this chapter. The first was that when Frank was being a pissy pants (rightfully so), Hazel didn’t mention how he had tried to kiss her before they left for the party. Personally, if someone tried to use the “I brought you as a friend” excuse on me when I know that they like me and had tried to kiss me, I would definitely bring that up. I don’t know Hazel as thoroughly as you do, but I was really disappointed that she didn’t mention that. This is merely personal preference, of course. Perhaps this is only stemming from the fact that I’m a control freak who dominates relationships and rarely lets men win in arguments with me (*guilty*), so don’t stress about this at all. The second thing was not that big, really. I felt the conclusion of their dialogue (i.e. “Bye, Hazel. Bye, Frank”) was a little too sudden. I didn’t feel the closure. It felt too abrupt an end in their dialogue for me, and I think you could have transitioned better.
Overall, though, another good chapter. I love how Katie reacted to her aunt and uncle’s anger, and I especially like how the rest of the office(s) felt about it Hazel’s “honesty.” Ha-ha. I’m glad that Hazel isn’t in such deep shish, after all. I wonder where Dai is, though. I’m getting worried. Why hasn’t he called Hazel? Why! *cries*
| this wild abyss chapter 2 . 7/20/2010
I like the way you described Hazel's way of classifying people. It so true the people try to fit others into a stereotype that they may or may not belong to. I really like that. On the downside, I really think you should add more description to this. The chapter, as it is, is great with dialogue and characterization, but your setting is a little weak.