i so love this, really good backstory you know?

wow, love it!

thanks for the update. at least this thing with frank has been resolved

I can sort of understand how she feels. It's like she is beign judged jsut for beign a journalist. I ahve had my fair share of people judging me based on misconceptions. Although most of those people don't know I am autistic. Still it hurts and I suppose I really do understand. Your chapters were up to usual form although a little dialouge heavy. Again this could be very well what the chapter needed as it wasn't really up for description, they were just talking. If anything I kind of agree we guys are messy!

Hey, Dreamer's. :) Here's your freebie review for giving Persephone's Flight its 150th one. :) Thanks again! :P

I liked how you jumped right into the dialogue to start the chapter. :) I love it when people do this because it's an attention grabber, and it (generally) makes me want to read more of it. :)

I really do like Hazel's character, and her name. :P She seems very realistic to me, and I can easily relate to how confused and hurt she is, but still tries to put on a happy face. :)

I thought it was clever of you to throw in another character, and have Hazel tell him why she was there, and how she felt about the whole situation, instead of just telling us. :)

I do feel really badly for Hazel, and I hope that something good will come out of her bad situation! :P

One thing that I found...

I think that maybe instead of having a bunch of desciptions listed, you could maybe show them instead of telling? You could accomplish this by using a character's actions. :)

For example:

You could say something like, "She brushed her dark hair out of her eyes, and secured it with a thin, gold headband." Usually, that helps out with the long list of descriptions... :)

Hope this helped. :D

~Avid via Roadhouse... :) 5/5

I'm usually not very fond of dialogue where there isn't any actions between them. Especially as you started the story with dialogue, we dont know how to imagine the scene. Who's saying these things? Where are they? What are their expressions?

I like Haze so far though... It's really hard to move on, but she's strong and she's trying her best at her life. Even though, you can sort of tell that she's still pretty sad about it... I hope she meets someone better in her life...

At the start I think that you used a bit too much tell rather than show. Why was it funny that they played Singstar?

I'm going to nag you about scene setting again. In the second part what Andy and Hazel step outside, I'm assuming it's night? If it is, what kind of lighting is there? What noises are there? Are they close to the streets? Is there traffic? See how many questions I can give you and how much more you can flesh out the text with your fabulous dialogue!

There was this bit near the end, where Andy and Hazel were talking about Kane - just as bit before that, actually, you go on with heaps of one person speaks, then the second, then the first - which is good - it adds to the tension, but i would like to see action and reaction too. I'd assume they're anxious? Does Andy keep on styling his hair (okay, random, I know, but you get it, give your character something s/he does when they're in a certain mood. That ways, even before stating they're in that mood, the reader knows they are... am I making sense? I should stop talking)

Narq.

From the Roadhouse:

Okay, so as grammarian Bill Walsh says, “We word nerds have known since second grade that alright is not all right.” He was talking about “alright” as one word. It’s not OK. I know that most word processors and things of that nature accept it as OK, but it isn’t. Recently the word has been gaining a small footing and can be found in some dictionaries and grammar guides, but it’s not really a good thing to do.

This is just me, but I’m not a big fan of conversations when all the author writes is the dialogue without description. It seems a little bare bones and lacking, if you get my meaning.

I felt that in the paragraph describing Hazel’s anxiety about the coming day, you overused the word “today”. It was in almost every sentence, and I think you could have used a synonym.

“[She] could do this, she told herself. It'd be easy. It'll be fine.” I feel that this sentence would impact the reader more if you were describing her actual thoughts, like saying what she was actually thinking as she thought it. So you’d change the “she” to “I” and put the thought in italics.

I’m confused. Was the guy she was talking about earlier the same guy as the groom? Or was the groom a different ex of hers? You might want to clear that up.

Really good chapter, though I didn’t feel that it introduced any plot points or the main conflict at all. It was sort of a back-story chapter, so I think that you should have incorporated it with action or something to catch the reader’s interest and hook him or her in right away. But what you did have set up the characters and some of their background pretty well. Nicely done!

Wow, really love your story. I just found and have been reading it all day when I came to the last chapter. I kept clicking the next button hopping a next chapter would magically pop up! Damn I love Dai, it's a very 'becoming' name for a person like him so to say. Great job. I can feel that the characters are real. Kinda like their a real band and this is their memoir. Hope u finish that next chappie soon!

- Here to pay back one of your lovely review.

- Okay Hazel, comes across as a smartass tough girl chick routine. Don't get me wrong, I like it, and it's realistic so keep it up.

- This chapter seemed to be a a 'plot advancing' chapter and you describe Hazel's thoughts quite well and modernly like it should be done. I especially like her sarcastic comments and wierd beliefs I.e. putting guys into four catogories, it makes her a full 3D character.

- Overall this chapter was quite refreshing. I smell a love intrest on the rise? I can't wait to read the next chapter to see who this guy is.

Keep writing, Would you kindly,

Kackex

Yess! Hazel better chose Dai! I really don't like Frank; he's not her type of guy. She needs the fun-loving, wild, sexy guy, and that's Dai! . Great job as usual! Everything was realistic, especially the dialogue! Keep on writing!

~B. Cross

-Payback via RFTA? Thanks :)

"...with Frank, yeah! It'd be excruciating."

-Oh dear, I bet someone’s going to overhear her. XD

"OK, I heard that," Dai muttered. "Call you back?"

-Why do I always predict these things happening *right* before they happen? XD Oh god, oh god, oh god. This is so painfully awkward! I knew someone would overhear her. I was thinking this back when she was getting all worked up about Frank taking her to his parents house and his sister probably owning racehorses. (Awesome line, btw). Man, this story’s good.

"Thanks a lot Hazel," he shook his head. "Marie came out here to look for you. Her horse came in sixth in the Grand National last year."

-Oh god! They heard *that* too? Damn, Dreamers, this is brutal!

Frank seemed to be deep in conversation with someone, though when he looked up and spotted her at the bar, a scowl came across his face.

-Yikes! Ha-ha. Who knew our boy Frank could get ugly?

"Steady on!" She cried, laughing. "Bit too young for you kid."

-Edit?: Doesn’t she mean, “Bit too old”? or “Bit too young for me”.

Excellent chapter! Oh man, this was too good. Holy crap, this was a lot of fun to read. I kind of wish Hazel said more than just that, though. I mean, *I* was right pissed that he brought her to his parents house without telling her, I was sure she was going to flip about that. Oh well, she’s drunk (dayum, btw; she drank A LOT in a short period of time). That was too funny when Dai heard Frank and then said he’d call her back. Oh man, I could really feel the awkward tension. You pulled that off beautifully and I was grinning like a fool my mum was even wondering what was so funny. Anyway, this story is awesome as always. Keep it up!

I'm going to be mean and nag about your lack of descriptions of scenery again. When Hazel and Katie are talking, we have no idea where htey are. Outside? Inside? If outside, is it cold? How cold? why? If inside, how is the lighting? ect.

These are small things, but they will help in leting your reader explore and understand your world.

Sorry. I'm going to shut up.

Narq.

Weird, I'd think that Dai would take the chance with both hands with Hazel knocked out like that. I think you handled it well though, showing that Dai isn't the normal, play-boy type that I thought he was. Very interesting, and that put an extra twist on the character, too.

Hopefully Hazel will take more care later on. I think Dai is a good friend to keep.

Narq.

To reference to your a/n: Frank is more serious while Dai is more energetic. Both good traits which you set up well. Can't choose!

"...so she invited me." He shruged.

I also found that there were a few sentences which were a bit run-on and a bit too long. "Possibly the most crucial part..." That sentence, and the one describing Robbie going to uni and stuff was also a bit too tell-y? Unless you wanted to brush past that?

Another thing was that the amount of dialgoue was really bugging me. God, I must be the worst nagger about dialgoue! I had nearly no idea what the action/reaction/emotions of your charactesr were!

Narq.