Hey,

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. This isn't good. This isn't good at all. I seriously would HATE to be ... anyone at that party at that moment, but mostly Hazel. Though I feel really sorry for Frank right now. I mean, Dai and Hazel finally made up, but poor Frank is like, humiliated and rejected now. Which is soo sad, because Hazel was the one who was leading him on in the first place.

Anyway, I felt a little bit like you rushed her getting drunk. Not that I'm the expert, but I always thought that it would take a bit longer than that, that's all. It felt like you just wanted to get her drunk so you could finish it.

Having said that, the conversation with Jacob was EXCELLENT. I mean, really, really awesome. I have no idea if it has anything to do with the plot, but that was honestly my favourite part of the chapter. It was smooth and well written, but mostly funny, and in a 'lose your soul' type way, which we don't see of Hazel that much.

I LOVE this chapter, and I love this story soo much. REALLY awesome stuff, I love it :) Update soon, okay?

ranDUMM

thanks for the update!

I'll try to make this review in depth. TO be honest I sometimes dislike things when they are dialogue heavy. Actions speak louder than words as the cliche goes (and a line I often say in my stories). Yet you find a way to make them enjoyable. As I said before you make the conversations real. If anything that i a problem with most stories as sometimes I read them and the dialogue sounds iffy to me not yours however. Your dialogue just flows so nicely in execution. This relates to sounding actually sounds like an actual conversation That's really all I can say. I apologize if I am repeating myself. That is a flaw I have. I am enjoying this story. I hope you are to mine and don't feel obliged to pay this review back. IF you do it's a plus to me but mostly I want to entertain not create and "owing contest."

A quick scan of the chapter tells me one thing: you definately need work on setting the scene. All I see is dialogue. I need to know where this is, what the characters are feeling ect. Make a conscious effort every few paras or so to stop and think, then continue.

But that being said, you have a very strong use of dialouge that really played out the characterization of Dai in especialar (I'm sure I spelt that word wrong!).

Narq.

From RH

First part-

AW. Such a great scene here between the two of them. I love it. I love their relationship, even though it just started. I want it to continue! I like how you handled the physical bits, you went with suggestion, which I think fits this story, and then I like how you put in the little details about their hands, ect, that added to it, and it made for quite a nice scene.

Second part-

Edits: remember with your dialogue, that if you do have dialogue, you need to un-capitalize the speaker tag if you didn't end the dialogue with a period. You do that a lot with this part, so be careful and remember to check yourself.

Aw, now really, I'm so glad that she said goodbye to them. I was very afraid she would just leave, I really think her character has changed a lot from Ch. 1, and you've done it realistically and wonderfully. I'm glad she decided to say goodbye. I did enjoy the fact that she didn't say a final goodbye to Dai though, that could hurt him, but not like just walking out on them would. Looking forward to that development next time they meet up. Which I hope is really soon, :)

Third part-

Were the band even aware of this?

-Edit: "were" should be "was"

Hmm, nice term, "bubble", I've never thought of that before but it really makes sense. You must know your shit, XD, Hazel's job is so legit, the way you describe it, it's totally realistic and I enjoy that aspect a lot. Conversation was realistic as well, liked that-glad to see she's getting back to the grind right away, but again, I really hope that Dai comes back son!

Fourth part-

Aww man, see Dai is distracting her totally! I like how you had her thinking about him, even if indirectly through the article, and then at the end about getting back on the road. So sweet. And blergh, I dislike Frank. He needs to just go away -_-

Fifth part-

Oh F'ing A. Alright Hazel totally overreacted with that! Poor Dai! D: Good development though, you keep your readers squirming, that's for sure!

Sixth part-

Holy shit, wtf! Ah! Nice pacing with this part though, going into such a detailed scene about her past had me wondering where you were going to take it but I was surprised to see that she actually called the guy. Why? I think I'd like to know more about her reaction to Dai, I just can't relate, I maybe in the fifth part, a little more explanation about her frustration is needed for me to fully believe that she would go screw him over like this, or get so upset about his call. I mean, it was *just* a goodbye! D:

Seventh part-

Is Adam a different guy from the Gavin dude? Well obviously-was this a skip in time? Was a tiny bit confused.

Eighth part-

Hmm, good ending, definitley didn't see it coming from the beginning of this chapter. This chapter has a lot happening in it, in several different parts-I think the beginning meshed together, but I would have liked more care with the parts five-through-seven. I felt the end went well though, good conversation, snappy ending. Overall great chapter.

From RH

First part-

Aw, man, this was kind of heartbreaking! I feel so bad for Dai if Hazel leaves here-I like how she goes back and forth with the decision though, and it takes her a bit to figure out what to do. I also liked the descriptions of Dai on stage, I always find that really difficult on VATR, but you do it with perfection here. I like the way you project Dai's feelings into the music and crowd too, I think that amps up the setting and that's a unique way to do some character development with him too. The end of this part was just so bittersweet-I don't want to see Dai hurt! D:

Second part-

OH good, huge relief here that she didn't just leave! I would have been heartbroken for Dai! I like the little conversation with Robyn, that was a nice touch, adds dimension so that the focus of Hazel isn't only on Dai, plus, it also adds dimension to how long she's been out of the loop-you think she would have noticed if they were climbing the charts! That's pretty cool!

Third part-

OHMYGOSH. XD Love Dai and Hazel hooking up! FINALLY! Man, that was awesome, I *LOVE* that she took charge of that situation! It was awesome! Girl power! Take that Dai! XD The whole scene with the drinking was fun-showing off your knowledge there a little, eh? Sounds like a damn good time. I also enjoyed how you set up the scene with the setting because you went into detail but not *to* into detail, and it provided for a nice background.

Wonderful chapter, I'm excited for the next one since this whole thing developed with Dai and Hazel's relationship-gonna be awesome!

I loved it, and I can't wait until you update. )

Wow first I'd like to say that I love your writing style. It appears so simple at first but the way you describe each action and appearance just flows so naturally and the dialogue between each character is so original yet realistic.

I like Hazel's character. She's a hard working person just looking for someone to love. Unfortunately Will wasn't "the one"

It was mature of her to go up to the bride and groom and congratulate them, no matter how painful it was for her. I'm glad she moved on, or at least appeared to.

I think this chapter is the beginning of a really interesting story line, I'm looking forward to reading more of start (:

~Idareutoguess

She knew he'd find a girl that would change him one day, and really, she couldn't wait to meet that girl.

-Personal: I would change the last part of this sentence to read: “...she couldn’t wait to meet her.” Also, the sentence that follows this one, I’m not sure if you wanted “defiantly.” It didn’t seem to fit. Perhaps “definitely”?

Lmfao, I love Dai’s comment about bass players during Hazel’s little flashback. And then Robbie’s little “It is,” was perfect! Oh man, that gave me a really good laugh. I really like the image of her sighing as the song and the memory faded. I thought that was beautifully done, and rather clever, too.

She passed the small plate over to her ex...

-I didn’t really like the mentioning of him being her ex, here. We already know that he’s her ex, so I just felt that it was unnecessary and kind of tarnished the tone in this scene.

"I always treat my guests' right."

-Edit: Remove the apostrophe.

Bloody hell yes!

-Edit: Comma after “hell”.

"Didn't mean it didn't hurt though Ad."

-Edit: Comma after “though”.

"I know," he hung his head, "and I am sorry."

-Edit: Change the comma after “know” to a period, the comma after “head” to a period, and adjust the first words accordingly.

"That's OK," she reached over...

"Yeah," She knew he meant well, knew he meant for the words to sound comforting. But still...

-Edit: Change the comma inside of the dialogue to a period.

"Ah," So missing part of the conversation had more...

-Edit: Same as above.

"Come in. Give me ten minutes," She ushered him in...

-Edit: Same as above.

Man, I hate Frank. He just really bugs me now, you know? And that kiss? Talk about awkward. Ugh, I really just want to knee him one. OH MY GOD NO! I’ve only read the first line of the next scene, but I’m guessing he’s bringing her to meet the parents? I’ll read on though, before I get too worked up.

Glancing sideways at Frank, as he put a hand on the small of her back and led her towards a small group of people,

-Edit: Remove the comma.

"Now, Marie, don't scare of Frank's friend,"

-Edit: Change “of” to “off”.

"So whose party is this, anyway?" She asked casually...

-Edit: Change “She” to “she”

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! That little shit. I knew it was his parent’s place. What a little fucking bastard. Oh my god. Kick him Hazel! Go for it! I won’t blame you. I’m so pissed off at him right now. Geeze.

"Excuse me," the journalist turned away from them...

-Edit: Change the comma inside of the dialogue to a period and change “the” to “The”.

"That," Frank couldn't help but grin at the odd look on his sister-in-law's face, "Was Whitesnake."

-Edit: Change “Was” to “was”.

Another fantastic chapter. I hope that’s Dai on the phone and the two of them sort out their shish so that Hazel can bounce the fuck out of there and leave Frank in the dust. Oh god, how I hate him. What a little sneak. Grr.

oh i do not like frank and i just want her to get with dai already. cannot wait for the next chapter

Hey,

A good chapter, as usual :) I loved the distinction you placed between Dai and Frank, and I can understand that. You wrote about it in the perfect way. Also, you described the house SO BEAUTIFULLY. Honestly, I had the pictures in my mind, the exact visual imagery there. It was absolutely brilliant, you wrote it beautifully.

I can't wait to see who called Hazel at exactly that time (though something tells me that it was Dai? ;)). Excited to read the next part of this! You've got me seriously hooked onto this story Dreamer, seriously. I love it, and I hope you update soon! :D

Just a note - there were a few spelling/grammar mistakes that you could spot if you went through it once more. Nothing major, so I didn't point it out. Great stuff. :)

ranDUMM

i didnt like this chapter no offense but it was boring still love the story though :)

I'm bad at figuring out hints so sorry. I have mentioned before your conversation are top notch. A real tense moment at the end. I like that. Your story continues to be flawless. One question. Do you still want me to review this or would you rather I read the other stories? Keep up the great work! You've got a fan here!

Hey,

What a freaking awesome chapter! It was awesome, she FINALLY admitted it. Screw Frank and his boring boringness. :P It was great, and I'm glad it happened this way! :D

At the same time though, I felt like it came out of no where. It kind of just happened at the end of the chapter, with no real build up.

Also, I expected her to get angry with Dai, becuas ehe only started hanging out with her because Adam set them up. I know I would be, and I expected her to be as well. Not something wrong exactly; just thought that I'd point it out.

Also, you kind of skip things or like... it doesn't run as smoothly as it could. This is again, totally personal preference. The mp3/iPod thing seemed a bit dragged out - maybe just a sentence or so.

Okay stuff I liked - Adam's personality. Whata hottie. Seriously, he's Dai without the sarcasm and bounce. Awesome characterisation on him, loving him heaps.

I'm guessing that Frank will be back in the next chapter - aren't they going out? Hell, I am excited to read that! :D I want to know what happens NOW, I'm so psyched for it. REALLY awesome work, love this story soo much. KEEP WRITING! :)

ranDUMM

I'm sorry but I don't have a preference either way. Frank I find is more down to earth and serious while Dai is more energetic. Hard to pick a preference. So far I seem to find traces of myself in both of them Sometimes I am energetic while other times serious. I hope that helps.