Reviews for Minor Talent
lianoid chapter 23 . 10/20/2010
Another tense chapter, although I wasn’t peeing my pants this time round. ;)

"I'm a journalist, Andy," she mumbled. "Why are you telling me if you don't want me to print it?"

-I don’t like this line. A few lines previous, you describe her as not realizing how much she had missed Andy and the rest of the guys, but now you have her snapping back into Journalist mode. It seems rather sudden and almost inconsistent.

"Nope. Sorry Haze...”

-Edit: Comma after “Sorry” since he’s directly addressing her.

"That'd be great. Cheers Andy."

-Edit: Comma after “Cheers” for the same reason.

"You too. Bye Haze."

-Edit: Comma after “Bye” for the same reason.

"Damn it Dai..."

-Edit: Comma after “it” for the same reason.

-That’s the last one I’ll point out, but this is a strict grammar rule that really should be followed. :P

Not too much to say about this chapter; I’m just dying for another Hazel/Dai scene so they can sort all this out. Your dialogue was smooth, as always, your descriptions weren’t gratuitous and your characters are remaining true to their defined personalities. Excellent work, yet again; I look forward to the next chapter!
lianoid chapter 22 . 10/20/2010
This chapter was pretty friggan intense, I must say. Excellent, excellent work with that, man! I was on the edge of my seat reading this one. The dialogue was perfect, Dai was perfect, but the appearance of Frank wasn’t perfect. Ha-ha. Nah, I just really don’t like the guy so it’s difficult to enjoy any interaction with him. I was a little worried at first when he entered the scene, but I think you managed their interaction well enough and it didn’t fall into any clichés. Actually I think you handled this entire chapter pretty damn well. No CC for this chapter, unfortunately, and I think Emily pointed out all the grammar errors I noticed. Excellent work all around!
Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 2 . 10/18/2010
Another good chapter :) I like where this is going. Hazel is growing on me, I look forward to seeing more of this. I hope this band thing will go well

lookingwest chapter 22 . 10/15/2010
Oh man, right off here, I'm feeling for these guys so much! Totally, I mean now that it's happening and yes, I fought it kicking and screaming, XD, it's just really sad. I like how you handled Dai in the first few paragraphs here, and keeping his emotions in check there with description and just the right amount of it. That was good, and I thought it was also appropriate for the situation-very in-character. You really had me wondering what's going to happen now-will he walk away or stay? I'm not sure, it could go either way with Dai, and I think ti's cool you've been able to characterize him up to this point as the type the reader isn't 100% sure about. Loved the sentences about him not suiting the "statue" figure, it was very true.

Good explanation of how she got preggers there, all thumbs up, and it was natural too.

"Look," she stood up...

-Style: omit "up"

You could never really relay...

-Edit: "relay" should be "rely"

-Style: since you're in third person, you shouldn't use "you" to address the audience, but rather "one"

...and glanced up at Katie.

-Style: omit "up"

Omfg. Not Frank. Not FRANK. Ugghghghghghgghghghg. *sets to glaring*

Ugh, she told him? I thought this was over between them. This thing. Relationship, whatever -_-

XD, okay, okay. Maybe Frank has some good advice.

Alright, so Frank here wasn't as bad as I thought-I'm glad that there seems to be no further romantic interest between the two, you admittedly got me a bit nervous, XD. I liked what Frank had to say about the assuming thing, at lest, it's something I didn't even think about. That's pretty cool that you were able to look at an argument from a more masculine view, really added dimension to the conversation that the chapter opened with!
teardropsONroses chapter 23 . 10/11/2010
nah saad

more soon?
Aspiemor chapter 15 . 10/8/2010
Got back into this. Well I guess the dialouge is just as good as it was before. That was the one thing that suprised me about your story was the usage of dialouge. Kudos for that.

Situation wise I really get the bodn of brothership with the band. Their friends, their close, and they will stick together through thick and thin. Or maybe I am overdramasizing it. Well whatever the case I get something from them.

You have made me want a bacon sandwhich now, or at least something with bacon in it.

I hope this review has been satisfactory (I am out of practice). And keep writing.
livingaliteraturelife chapter 22 . 10/7/2010
teardropsONroses chapter 22 . 10/7/2010

you're way too good at this cliffhanger thing
teardropsONroses chapter 21 . 10/1/2010
oh hey!

why'd it stop?

is this like the end the end?

it's realy good

lianoid chapter 21 . 9/17/2010
"I'm on the pill," she'd told Dai. She'd remembered whispering it to him, she remembered the gleam in his eyes and she remembered throwing up the next day.

-You make this sound as if she threw up because she was pregnant. Pregnant less than a day after having sex? It takes at least a couple of days for the sperm to reach the egg, let alone fertilize it. And then, it’d take at least a couple of weeks for her to begin to have morning sickness and whatnot. A month, at least, I believe.

But it was a passing remark from the beautiful blonde, followed up by questions on her and Dai's relationship and asking if, "well, is everything OK? After the other night..."

-Edit: Change “well,” to “Well,”.

Slowly, as if delaying it she could make it not real...

-Edit?/Personal: I think you should toss in an “by” before “delaying”.

Eventually she was climbing the stairs up to her flat and then, she was standing in front of the door.

-Edit: The comma here isn’t necessary, I think. Also, I might remove the second “she was”.

As soon as the door closed, she leant against it and stared at the bag.

-Personal: “leant” reads oddly to me for some reason. Should it be “leaned” instead?

"Hazel calm..."

-Edit: Comma after “Hazel”.

She'd got to Hazel's not long ago...

-Edit: I feel this would read better if “got to” was replaced with “arrived at”. “Got” always reads slack to me (unless used in dialogue), and most of the time can be replaced with a more suitable word.

"What I mean should give him the choice, at least."

-Edit: I believe you want “it” to be “is”.

Suddenly, an image popped into her head of her grasping the hand of a small child, lifting them up above the crowd to see a band onstage, whispering "that's your daddy" to the kid.

-Edit: I believe there should be a comma after “whispering” and “that’s” should be “That’s”.

What if it wasn't a CD she heard her father's voice on?

-Personal: This confused me for a moment because I thought Hazel had suddenly heard her father’s voice in the coffee shop. I think “she” should be replaced with “the baby” and “her” with “its” possibly.

It what made her so good at her job.

-Edit: Toss a “was” before “what”.

If there's a God up there, she thought, watching as he took out his wallet and handed over a ten pound note. You're playing a really cruel trick on us.

-Edit: The period after “note” should be a comma and “You’re” should be “you’re” since it’s still part of the first stream of inner thought (one sentence, basically).

Nice buildup there with the ending! I hate you for not having the next chapter posted yet, but I’ll wait; I really want to know how Dai’s going to react. Overall, an excellent chapter. Dialogue was smooth as ever, inner thoughts were decent—I would have preferred a tad less, but that might just be because I wanted her to tell Dai straight away, and yeah, super fun story. :D
lianoid chapter 20 . 9/13/2010
You're more than a stepping stone; you won't always be alone...

-E! This makes me so happy. I mean, I knew he wrote a song for/about her, but this just turned me into the romantic soul that I really secretly am. Ha-ha. Aww, this is so sweet. :3

Hmm, I don’t agree with Hazel’s anger here. It seems a tad childish to be mad about him writing a song inspired by/based off her drunken ramblings. I mean, it’s not like anyone else knew she said those things and he didn’t say her name in the song. This just doesn’t seem like a reasonable anger, to me. I understand the things she said were deeply personal, but he clearly didn’t write the song to be an ass and ugh—I really don’t agree with this anger. For a woman of her age, it just doesn’t seem to fit; she didn’t seem immature to me until now. I’m afraid I can’t sympathize with her because this just seems to be a ridiculous reason to get pissy. Just my opinion.

Dear, lord. She’s prego, isn’t she?

I gave it to you, thought you'd want to 'discover' it if we made it big. Sorry. – Dai x

-Oh, snap! Nice twist! I really wasn’t expecting that! Oh, man! So good. Nice work!

"Hey Darren!

-Edit: Comma after “Hey” since she’s directly addressing him.

"Bollocks Hazel...”

-Edit: Comma after “Bollocks”.

"You got the pics then? Great! Bring them in!"

-Edit: Comma after “pics” since “then” is an inserted word here.

A short chapter this time ‘round, but still pretty intense. Ha-ha. Dialogue, descriptions, tone and whatnot are spot on, as per usge. Excellent work with the CD twist! Seriously, I was not expecting that! Another good chapter, despite me disagreeing pretty strongly about her anger.
lianoid chapter 19 . 9/13/2010
Not long after, and someone appeared from behind the bar, informing the band that the doors would be opening in ten.

-Personal/Edit?: Because this is narration and not Hazel or a character speaking through dialogue, I might suggest tossing in a “minutes” after ten. I understand the informality of it, but I just think “technically” it should read “ten minutes.”

We'd better get backstage then,"

-Edit: Comma after “backstage” since “then” is an inserted word here.

"Break a leg up there guys."

-Edit: Comma after “there” since she’s addressing them by a name/nick/endearment.

Hazel missed working with him; he'd been one of her favourite photographers, always a good laugh and always taking pretty good pictures.

-Personal: “pretty good” reads too passively here for my taste. Perhaps just “good” might work better. She seems pretty fond of him, so I figured she might use a stronger word to describe his work. Unless they are just “pretty good,” then that’s understandable, but, I dunno, it just didn’t seem to fit.

I might suggest some page breaks for this chapter; the scenes are bleeding into one another in a way that is rather sudden and I’d much prefer scene breaks to let me know a new scene is taking place.

Aurora had asked if she could record the night, maybe use some of it in the article, and the guys had agreed under one condition; the tape recorder would get turned off after a few drinks.

-I’m wondering if Aurora will “forget” to turn it off or it’ll be left on and no one will notice.

"No dickhead!" Playfully, she slapped his arm.

-Edit: Comma after “No” since she’s addressing him by a name-ish thingy. XD *tired*

Excellent ending, my friend. I actually gasped when Darren looked towards the doorway—I thought Aurora was standing in it. And I can definitely feel the tension at the end here; I’m nearly biting my nails in anticipation. Your dialogue was smooth, as always, and your descriptions were never gratuitous, so double bonus. Another good chapter, overall.


P.S. Congratulations on being the lucky lady who received my 800th review. :D
Narq chapter 21 . 9/4/2010
I think you've found your writing style because for all the chapters I've seen so far, I don't think you've varied a lot so this is good, because it's all/mostly in Hazel's POV and that's really consistent.

"I'm on the pill," she'd told Dai. She'd remembered whispering it to him, she remembered the gleam in his eyes and she remembered throwing up the next day.

- I felt that the timing was weird. I don't think that the effects come so quickly.

Also, I don't think that she would glow/look good/ ectera like, a couple of days after being pregnant if she isn't happy. I think the glow comes after you kind of like, because really happy with what's growing inside of you. But then, I'm not talking from experience so you can ignore me if you want.

ooh~ I'm waiting for Dai's resonse XD
lookingwest chapter 21 . 9/4/2010
...she remembered throwing up the next day.

-Implying that the night after having sex with Dai, she was already having morning sickness? I don't think that's accurate-does it take like, three days for the sperm to even reach the egg? She should only be having morning sickness within the 1st trimester right? I'm not sure about that one though, so maybe it was just the sentence worded awkwardly, but I do think that's what it implies, so you might want to switch it around so it doesn't.

Okay, now this is even confusing me. I'm not ashamed to say I know how The Pill works-down to the tee. And if she took it every night when she was supposed to take it, and was consistent, than she should NOT be pregnant. It is physically impossible, 100%, if she took it every day at the same time the first week after her period cycle, and she should know this. And you imply that she *did* take it. Which means that this whole thing is not happening-really-if you're going to make her pregnant when she did take all of the pills in her cycle, than this whole plot line is completely inaccurate and not true. The Pill is 100% effective if taken every day in the right order and all rules followed. It is only .99% accurate when women forget to take a pill one night, or they take it out of order, or they begin taking it on the wrong day after their cycle. I really, really, can't stand people saying it is not 100% effective (old high school memories being drug up) when taken correctly, so this better not be where it leads... I just feel that you need to be more clear, because the ambiguity isn't working for me (though I do realize I'm only one reader), it might just be bothering me because I personally know how this works too. And if she took it that night when she had sex with Dai, and the night before she had sex with him, and the day after, and the rest of that month even, then there is no possible way she is pregnant. A 0% chance. So if you're going to make her pregnant, be much more clear, in my opinion, about whether or not she took it the night they had sex. Obviously, she didn't, so mention "Oh, Hazel remembered she hadn't taken it the night she had sex with Dai" or something like that.

I also don't like the Mary-Sue thing about the *just so happens* that she doesn't smoke when she's pregnant? She did this subconsciously in the last chapter, but it seems too idealistic, I know plenty of women who have continued smoking and even drinking when they were unaware they were pregnant, what makes Hazel so exceptional that she should "subconsciously" know not to smoke without even being 100% positive she's pregnant?

Well okay, it's lovely that she's going to tell Dai, I'm glad she's not hiding it from him. It just feels to me that all of the sudden this story took a weird conservative tone. I can't help it, I'm a feminist here, XD. And it seems to me like Hazel really has been "punished" for sleeping with Dai and leading Frank on, and eventually dumping him. And that's odd to me-I just feel like maybe it should have a freer theme. But again, this is my own opinion...I am glad that Hazel seems to change her mind into thinking the child won't be a bad thing that's happened in her life, but I just didn't expect this sudden turn. I feel like Dai and Hazel weren't exactly a perfect functioning couple by this point, and I'm wary that a child would bring them together in perfect harmony being that thing that was always missing-it just seems a bit bizarre to me.

The writing style and everything else, to shift gears, is well written as usual, and there's not problems in that front. I think you've established your own flow and pacing and you always keep it consistent, and it does keep the story going and everything perfectly in tune. Good dialogue-I liked the part with Rosie when she was consoling Hazel through the pregnancy test. And I also thought the part with what sort of music to play the kid was cute too.
livingaliteraturelife chapter 21 . 9/1/2010
omg im so excited plzz update soon plz :)
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