|Reviews for Forgotten Teardrops|
| beadeabea chapter 1 . 7/23/2010
wow! that was a great chapter..i really think u should update it and make it a story!
| Anise Cary chapter 1 . 3/3/2010
Ok I love that you have a shapeshifter that can be more than one animal. I think this could give you so much more freedom with what the character can do and how they act.
We need everyone that we have – especially now that I've finished the drug," the first voice yelped. - Ok you really sparked my interest here. I want to know what drug. What are they doing with this drug? yep you're making me want to keep reading.
And I still don't understand why I killed my best friend. - Oh wow, what a powerful ending. Again has my mind blazing wondering what's in that drug and what the point of it is? I also wonder how Bree will feel about this.
I know you said at the top this is a one shot, but I could really see this expanding into more. I'd definitely be interested in reading it if you did.
| Skinny.Pig chapter 1 . 2/28/2010
It's a great little action filled oneshot, and I like the way its written, but there's just one thing that bothers me: where was Anna when Bree was investigating the walls? Wasn't she holding Anna?
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 2/28/2010
A good one-shot, it's interesting and it is easy to tell that you have put a lot of thought into these characters and the world they live in. The only problem I have is that it's a lot of 'telling' - I don't know if you've heard 'show, not tell' before, but it's something to remember when writing anything. Also, the main character comes across as slightly bigheaded at the start, with the use of certain word when she describes herself. Just be careful with that. It might also help to read it out to yourself, some lines could do with the addition of a comma or something. (Such as "Go on kill her" might be better as "Go on, kill her.") Anyways, a nice piece and I enjoyed reading it.
| Mintiee chapter 1 . 2/28/2010
Review repay :)
The first paragraph mentioned the word "face" no less than three times. You have to be careful with overusing words. What i find helps is if you read it aloud.
Held her tightly against my strong body - something bugs me about that sentence. I think it's that is telling the reader that strong, rather than showing. It makes it sound like she's bragging, in a way.
It's done again with graceful.
If your writing in first person, it never does seem right if they use complimentary words about themselves. If you want to show how strong the main is, maybe it would be easier to write in third. Then you could describe it exactly like that, and it wouldn't sound vain.
Or even, showing it might be better, rather than telling the reader straight out that bree isn't human. If you let the reader figure it out for themselves, it would make this a lot more interesting coz it would make the reader think for themselves.
And here: my petite but strong body hit the floor with an audible thud.
We already know she's strong. You pointed it out earlier, so there's no need to add it in again. Besides, it lessens the drama of the sentence. It would sound better if it was just "my petite body hit the floor with an audible thud" coz now we feel sorry for her, because it sounds like it hurt.
But other than stuff like that, it had good suspense and was an interesting read. I loved the last line, because it was very dramatic and packed a punch. It was a very good twist to end off the story. Nice writing :)
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 2/28/2010
I saw that you used a lot of the same words such as cold & strong. Just use different words & then that'll be fine. Also, I don't see why you needed strong in this sentnce "my strong hands felt" Its a little unnecessary. And how did Bree escape? Maybe you didn't tell us intentionally.
Besides that, I loved it! The ideas of hunters & shapeshifters are really intruiging & clearly you put a lot of thought into this. The fight scene was my favorite part. You delivered it well & the pacing was great. Good job!
P.S. Please payback via Rise From The Ashes. Thanks! x3.
| Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 2/26/2010
The first thing I noticed is that you use a lot of excessive modifiers in your sentences. You use a ton of both adjectives and adverbs, and you really don't need all of them; they throw off the flow of the story. For example, "my strong hands felt for the door..." why do you need 'strong?' It really doesn't add anything to the sentence.
Also, you should use more varied word choice. There were a lot of repeated words. Such as "My fingers touched a cool surface... I tickled the cool surface" within just a short amount of time; you could use some other kind of wording to spice it up more. You start off a lot of sentences with the same words as well, like at the beginning when you use "my (body part)" to start off almost every sentence.
The pacing could be improved; you have a tendency towards longer sentences, so try throwing in some short, choppy ones once in a while. Especially in action scenes, that's vital.
The fight scene was cool. That was my favorite part, and I'd love to see some more action thrown in here.
Since this is a one shot, I think the addition of the boyfriend (especially taking the time to give his name) is really unnecessary. You should either mention him throughout the story, or take it out entirely. Also, since you never described her escape or release or anything, the sudden scene shift seemed odd. Otherwise, I really liked the ending – I really didn’t expect that! It was surprising, and original, and emotional, and overall a great way to wrap up a one-shot.
Although I’ve said a lot about technique, it’s also definitely worth mentioning the content. As for the story itself and all of the ideas contained within it, I thought it was all great! You obviously have some very original, intriguing ideas, and it seems like you put a lot of thought into the shifters, the hunters, the universe they live in, etc. Also, I loved how flawed the main character is. At first I was a little skeptical because she seemed like she would be overpowered, but with the introduction of the copper as a major weakness, and then the ending with her basically failing to do what she meant to do, she was definitely well-developed and flawed. Flaws are what make characters interesting and relatable, and you seem to have a good grasp of that.