Hi Kobra Kid,
I really love this story. Your writing style is so good, and I love the plotline. Honestly, I think I like this old version better than the new! :D
Really, your ideas are awesome. And I am so happy to be able to read and enjoy your story! You should write more! :DD

I thought this story had like 15 thousand reviews

hey this is a great chapter we learn a little more about the same type of people as Keira which is cool. just a couple of things to ask:

"truding"- is that meant to say trudging?

"put took a quick glance"- is that meant to say but?

other than that its great i really like it but somehow think that the man with the white hair is a bad guy considering he just killed two people

Oh hey. I think it'd be fine if you wrote from chapter 15 onwards, but if you really feel that you'd rewrite it all anyway, then do that instead. There are good and bad points for either, so yeah... Actually now that I think about it, I'd suggest starting the rewrite. I have stuff that I need to rewrite too, I'm just too lazy to do it .

Anyways, hope that helped. Though it probably didn't really T_T

~Gossip

Btw could you pretty please review Wish Star? Thanks :D

All right! This gets better in each chapter!

the "though" is a little unneeded.

Hm, the dream happened? Interesting.

Again, dialogue grammar issues. I really hope you know how to fix them/someone else does.

Ah, boys do tend to do that.

Hm, sanctuary. Interesting...

l8r.

~JSM

A review for The Roadhouse forum

trenchcoat... huh, I thought it was one word. Okay, ignore that then.

pot of churning colors-cool :D

twenty six-twenty-six.

Again, dialogue grammar issues. If you have questions please don't hesitate to ask. Please.

the "intensity in her eyes" part seems a little unnecessary to me.

Hm, what do I think of The Immortals... interesting concept. But I personally could never write a story with immortal characters.

like legit insane-sounds girly, haha.

morphed into a frown-nice.

~JSM

A review for The Roadhouse forum

Cassey-cool spelling.

you need a comma after "Cassey" and "the girl" isn't capitalized.

"as the sensation was thumping"-as the sensation thumped. You tend to use "was" a lot so try to use it less.

Dialogue grammar and stuff... I'm not going to worry about it now.

bleach white-bleach-white.

I'm wondering if Cross has anything to do with your username... huh.

Keira... meh, I'm neutral to her. Don't love her, don't hate her.

~JSM

A review for The Roadhouse forum

Okay I'm going to be honest and say that I mostly agree with the latest review posted by Charactarantula. I feel (this chapter) is mostly over written, over melodramatic and your dialogue just feels off. Real people don't talk this way. For example, although you say the character is 8, I don't feel an 8 year old would just shut down her fathers comforting with a stoic "No we won't".

For it to work she wont say anything at all because she's a young girl caught up in emotions, and has no idea how to properly express them. That's something you the author can show the reader and make the whole scene possibly feel more real.

I also think the intro to the cryptic man is awkward. A lot of authors will change perspectives from chapter to chapter depending on who is the focus, even if the narration remains in 3rd person they still find a way to make it unique to each character and it probably helps keeping things from getting awkward. For example, chapter 2 could have been a short chapter of the cryptic man watching them. It could have focused on the boy more, maybe it's from his perspective like:

"The boy watched his master as he stared off into the distance at the father and daughter. Questions dance in his mind, taptaptap like a chorus line. Why does his master care so much for these two? Why not just get it over with quickly? And, most importantly, why is the girl still alive?

So many questions! But still, the boy knew better than to speak out of turn."

And that's just off the top of my head; obviously if I knew the characters more intimately as you do it'd be better or more true, however my point is that that is an option open to you rather than just throwing the character in at the end like "Hey by the way, there's this guy watching them and he's mysterious"

All that being said, I disagree with the review in one key point: I will continue reading because I see potential here as a overall story and would like to see if you've improved in the subsequent chapters. Your love of writing is obvious and oozes from every paragraph and it's quite infectious; I say what I say because I want you to improve and I think you have great potential to do so.

I hope I haven't offended and I look forward to being "Review Buddies"

I can tell just by the synopsis that this is a story I will not enjoy. So, instead, I will just review it honestly from an outsiders perspective. Fair?

Ok, in the opening line you talk about rain from the heavens. You start the second line with "Heaven's tears." Suggestion is to cut the first line completely and if you still want your torrent of fury line, incorporate it into the next line.

"Encircling the stones where the trees" were?

"Flowers were sitting in the mud besides them" beside.

"Suddenly, the wind blew harshly causing the flowers to fly away, lost deep within the nearby forest." Never start a sentence with suddenly or words like that. I try to avoid doing it, though sometimes I slip up. It sounds forced, like we're supposed to be surprised. We're not.

When describing the tombstones you say "The one..." cut one. Just say "The tombstone on the left..." for both of those lines.

"The small girl's face contorted into a confused rage. Clearly, she wasn't upset anymore. She clenched her small fists, curling her lip. Eyes locked onto the tombstone, she screamed out." If she wasn't upset, why is her face "contorted into a confused rage?" That makes little, to no sense. :)

"She shouted, yelling at the tombstone as if Sam was there." she shouted at the tombstone as if Sam were there. Cut the yelling, was - were.

Your dialogue sounds forced. I'm not sure how old your narrator is, or what exactly she is going through, but nobody screams "why were you so stupid?" to their brother's tombstone. And you overplay the description here. You're using a lot of ten dollar words where one's will do. Highlight, right click, synonyms. It's a game-changer.

Just noticed this now: Every time you end quotations, you're capitalizing the first letter. You don't do that unless it's a name.

"Behind them, on top of a hill, was a cryptic man." This is going to sound harsh. But... no. Just... no. This line is a total killjoy. B. Cross, this is my advice to you: stop trying to tell a story. You're writing what happened. Literally detailing it. Stop. Let it happen naturally. Introducing a character by saying "oh, and then there was this weird guy watching them from far away" (that's how your line sounds to me) seems amateurish. Let us learn that there are eyes watching them. Let us learn that this man is clearly unordinary ourselves by his actions. Don't introduce your characters by detailing their attire either, especially if it's cliche.

"He was wearing a black trench coat that whipped in the chilling wind. His white hair fluttered in the wind." Wind twice. Doesn't work.

If he can see water rushing down her face during a storm, how the heck can she not see them? This doesn't work logically considering the ample, ample description you gave as to the "storm" that has been going on since the beginning of the chapter. You should cut that line.

Now, I know this review probably sounds ridiculously harsh. It probably was. But I'm here to help. Not to leave a one line review and say I liked it. I didn't. And the reasons I gave above are why. I also helped with the grammar problems and such, even though I don't really like doing that. I'm just trying to help you out, one author to another. I had to learn, too.

I also figure since you left three one line reviews, and I left this monster, we'd call it even.

Cheers,

jake (RH Review)

I found the history of Immortals simply unique with lots of surprising details. Everyone had gain the power of immortality from a potioon, yet some became greedy. It just like the bad guys wanting more power.

I like the reaction Keira gave when she was inside Cross's memories. Especially when Cross told her stop acting like a drama queen.

The origin was interesting enough, but genetic altercation doesn't really explain something like the whole shadow manipulations, and the stab in the heart thing is kind of vampirish and well something could be added. Not be critical or whatnot but the origin was pretty okay, but it wasn't bad or anything, pretty creative...nice chapter again :)

Blazn

Keira is sort of leaning towards that typical female character type point to me, I guess I'm not one for overly girly characters, not saying she is girly, it just felt like she could have had a different reaction to the situation, not so "freaked out female". Erm I'm not good at explaining stuff, but yeah I'm sorry this took forever to return to you, life has been you know life-ish! Anyways this was a nice chapter, I hope that if kiera gets involved she is you know cool with it and not like the other stories where the girl always has stupid reactions to a situation like this!

Returning a review~~ Blazn :)

HEY! So, I'm really, really sorry that it took me forever to write back. X( I've been extremely busy and I didn't even get any of the things I wanted done...minus updating Phoenix.

Notes: I didn't anything, which earns a thumbs up from me. I think the scene where everyone was going, "I'M IN!" Could have been longer. Plus Kiera kept interrupting Cross in that scene, which irritated me, so I sided with Tyler. To lengthen the scene, I suggest you could make Kiera wrestle with her feelings a little more. Like name the reasons why she's feeling that way. A lot of authors say "Show, don't tell," but my argument is if you don't tell, then how the heck are some people going to see it? Spell everything out, whether with broad strokes or detailed ones, paint us a picture into Kiera!

~Stella

Okay, this guy is freaking me out. Those poor people in the car! Well, the guy definitely showed that he IS real and DOES have powers and ISN'T afraid to kill and MIGHT BE pretty flipping evil. I get the feeling it's Alocer, and hope Cross comes soon. I like Cross, although we haven't seen much of him.

I wonder what Keira's next move will be, and what will happen with Ryan and her father and her almost stepsister. Very interesting. I hope she doesn't trust Alocer. (shudder)