|Reviews for Soul Mizuki|
| zombie chickens chapter 1 . 3/18/2010
revealing a red-eyed dark creature with blade-like arms.-I would have liked a better description there than just blade-like. I'm intrigued by it, but at the same time I cannot picture it in my head at all.
"DIE!" the creature said as it swung one of its long bladed arms. -eeps! It's such a bad day when a totally random stranger appears and tells you to die, and then another totally random stranger appears to take you through a mysterious portal. My sympathies to Taylor.
Overall I found it to be an interesting concept and has the promise of a really entertaining story, I do feel that it needs a bit of fleshing out as far as descriptions go and characterization, but that's just me. Good job!
| J.S. Hopkins chapter 1 . 3/14/2010
Thanks again for the review. I read your first 2 chapters. The story seems to be coming together. Realy only suggestion would be to be a little more discriptive. The story seems to just be a long dialog with no detail of what is going on outside the conversation. Like the portal. Taylor was yelling but what did it look like. A big blurr? A giant tie dye tube? Starwars going into superspeed. Set a scene for the reader to bring them into the picture. But really good start.
| SoulMizuki01 chapter 2 . 3/14/2010
Just to make something clear...(haha)
Hiro does NOT live in the castle, he lives somewhere around the city. Just stating thissince some people think he lives on the city.
Thanks for reading and reviewing my
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 3/13/2010
Again I'm realy confused as to why this story is so left justified. ...I recommend you should change it. It would be easier to read for those on FP and it really squishes everything together for me and makes it difficult to see where your lines end and begin, and messes with the grammatical format.
After a calm walk through the castle and through the town for around an hour,
Taylor returned to the castle.
-"castle" seems a little redundant.
-maybe: "After a clam hour walk through the castle and town, Taylor returned.
-Since we know Taylor's living in the castle, so it would be implied that he would return there?
The boy said. "I'm Hiro Matsura, nice to meet
-Edit: put a comma instead of a period after "said"
-This is because it's a speaker tag, and speaker tags must be attached to the dialogue, and can't stand alone as a sentence, it makes the narrative very choppy.
-You seem to do it every time, so just make sure that if you ever come back to edit, you insert a lot of those period's for comma's. If you need examples, you can look in some fiction books if you have any laying around with good dialogue scenes :)
Hiro opened the door and let Taylor inside. Already in, he noticed the house
was even more fancy on the inside.
-Big repetition of "in"
-Would suggest an edit like: Hiro opened the door and invited Taylor inside. As soon as he entered, Taylor noticed the house was even fancier than the outside suggested.
-oh, and "more fancy" is grammatically incorrect, should be "fancier"
-And that second sentence them implies that the inside is fancy, without directly saying "inside"
-Just a suggestion though!
-Edit: a lot is two separate words, should be "a lot"
"Yeah, after all, I've been living here all alone for 3 years now."
-Edit: should spell out "three"
-Edit: need a period at the end of "bonding"
Haha, interesting incident in the bed there!
"What's wrong?" Taylor slowly awokened to
-...This seems like an unfinished sentence?
-"awokened" isn't a word. Should be "awakened"
-if not unfinished, it needs a period somewhere...but it doesn't make much sense.
-Edit: needs period after "go"
-The highlight of this chapter seemed to be when the two found themselves in a bed together. There wasn't a lot of sexual tension happening, and I would have liked to see a little more of that! I feel like the kiss came so quick! And the chapter did end a little abruptly. I think you could explore the sexual tension a little more, but besides that I think you do a pretty good job of exploring Taylor's characterization. I made a few grammar/spelling suggestions, some of which should be obvious through a read-through, hopefully you're using a word-processor of some sort-even Doc. Man. can help you spell check. Always remember to go the extra mile before posting since this is your gem story, and you should dress it the best you can! My biggest crit though, would actually be this left-justified format! Other than that, I loved the read, and I look forward to seeing perhaps some more romance between Hiro and Taylor!
| natureloverRxK chapter 6 . 3/11/2010
Hi John! You're doing great! Just a little more and you'll be perfect! KEEP IT UP!
Can't wait for Ichiro and Kate!
See ya tomorrow! :D
| SoulMizuki01 chapter 1 . 3/10/2010
First of all, I appreciate everyone's reviews as they let me know what I'm doing wrong or right. I just reviewed my own story to answer Vernelley a question, or anyone that has the same question. Taylor became a shinigami since Hiro awakened his powers, he just became an official ranked shinigami after the test.
If someone has any further questions, just PM me or put the question in your review.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/10/2010
Huh...well right off the bat I'm not completely sure why this prose is left justified so much but that's fine :) I've never read a manga piece before so I definitley have no idea how things are supposed to be formatted on FP.
Overall I found quite a big of formatting mistakes concerning paragraph use and everything but I don't want to sound overly repetitious, basically a lot of the stuff I had to crit. was stuff that your reviewer taerkitty had already pointed out.
You've got fun characters and I think you've got a good grip with them. The pace is moving very fast but since this is in the manga genre I know that manga's usually move pretty fast anyway, so in that respect I don't think I can crit. that as a prose-edit suggestion.
At any rate, it seems you had good fun writing this and I think it really comes across that way, and it's good to write what you love :)
| Vernelley chapter 6 . 3/10/2010
Well, your writing's definitely improved. I also checked the earlier chapters for updates and was glad to see that you've improved them a little.
I like Daisuke so far. Only because he winds Taylor up. Other than that, I don't really feel much of a connection with the characters.
One question: did Taylor actually get transformed into a shinigami, because I'm not sure if you explained that. He passed the test and so is automatically a shinigami? I'm not really sure how well that's going to work...
Other than that, good work.
| natureloverRxK chapter 5 . 3/8/2010
Hi John. You're actually getting better! There has to be a little more detail and emotion, but you know I love it. Hope you start writing like that in your notebook! I know that it pisses you off, but all these comments are going to help you. I'm sure by chapter 10 you'll be an awesome writer!
Keep it up and keep improving... Can't wait for ICHIRO and KATE! XD *squeals* BTW... I still owe you some drawings from my notebook... I'll give them to you some other day.
See ya tomorrow! :)
| Vernelley chapter 5 . 3/7/2010
I think you need to make the labyrinth a little more exciting. Like, add more twists or something, because it's way boring if the main character gets through so easily. Even if the whole concept of 'struggle before success' is typical, at least it's more interesting that way.
| Someone-Whos-Not-Important chapter 1 . 3/7/2010
Very good chapter!
| TokioJapon chapter 3 . 3/6/2010
Is this gonna turn into a yaoi?
Hiro seemed so blunt about sleeping in the same bed, but I'm surprised he got mad at Taylor for the kiss
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 3/6/2010
Summary: Unsure why "he, he" is repeated like that. "Way far off" is redundant and clunky. Using "shinigami' assumes the reader knows what that is. Better to use "reaper" or "soul catcher" or whatever.
Opening: Don't need to repeat "Chapter 1: The night it all happened" as part of the story. If it is to be part of the story, better to set it off with some sort of typographical effect, such as italics or centering it.
Opening sentence is a bit of a run-on.
Punctionation, such as commas, are 'attached' to the previous word ,not to the next word.
"*closes door*" This is prose, not screenplay. The rest of the actions are narrated out, why not this one?
Closing: It's rushed and not very forceful because of that.
Overall: Too short, both the chapter and the paragraphs itself. While the story is appealing to the author, the reader doesn't start out sharing that enthusiasm, so the author has to capture that excitement and present it to the reader in such a way that the reader can build it up. Here, it's just one action line after another once he's outside.
The character is not really shown as fleshed out. There is very little to envision him, to make him come alive in the readers' minds.
The combat feels staged. It has that "it's anime, it doesn't have to make sense" feeling of hand-waving to it. Case in point, if the man/thing wanted Taylor dead, why walk up and announce it? Why not just sneak up, claws at the ready, and take him out?
On a personal note, I know this story is important to you. I'm not trying to crush your spirit. I'm also not going to fluff it up and say it's great when it's not. Excitement will only help a story in one area: to keep you writing it after you've written the 'best part.' To push you to finish editing it the third time. To keep you submitting it after it gets rejected (all stories get rejected - rare is the one that is accepted on the first submission.)
In all other areas, excitement is the enemy of the story. You have to look at it from the reader's perspective. Why should I read it? What's so good about it? Telling me it's good or that you're excited about it doesn't make it so in my mind. You have to take the time, do the hard and boring work of building up the characters, the situation, the background, until you get to the 'good parts.'
| TokioJapon chapter 1 . 3/6/2010
Hm, not bad. This might be one of the only stories I'm actually interested
But Instead of putting * while describing, just word it like
"He takes Taylor by the hand and pulls him in."
This was interesting, but some of it was a little too blunt. I like it though.)
| natureloverRxK chapter 4 . 3/5/2010
Hey John! I've read them all! I also saw the drawings!
Awesomenezz... Hehehe... _