kind of confusing because i totally didnt get where this chapter came from. but i trust you have a plan so i'll deal. is this based on a video game already made or are you making this up as you go? cause if you are, i'm jealous. you have an amazing imagination either way. waiting anxiously for more!

Hello from the Roadhouse!

I like the whole plot idea of this! It's very creative and original! :).

You write action scenes very well! (I know how difficult it can be at times!) so kudos for that!

Keep on writing!

-B. Cross

P.S. Can you payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks so much! :D.

A good start; a bit different to what I normally read but I'm also a bit of a video game addict so I can't resist. Loving the game references. I plan to continue reading.

-Jax C.

i love the message you send with this chapter. it's so powerful and touching, to be able trust someone to such an extent you can stand by as they fight because you know they will be alright. really amazing.

aww, why'd you end there? i want to know what happens next!

. . . . SWEET! A fight scene and a cliff hanger all stacked in one. TT Hikou no Kokoro so happy. TT

like Sarthim, I love virtual reality material like this. you have a flowing style that makes the story easier and more enjoyable to read. your fight/action scenes are well written and don't try to describe every move that's made like some do.(describing every move isn't bad, but leaves little for the imagination) you incorporate skills and special attacks well with the rest of the scene. your game world is well defined. the existence of PKers and Exp Leechers/Leeching makes it more believable and engrossing.

And, like Sarthim, I see a resemblance in Characters, but I believe there is enough diffence to make it seem like a group of like-minded friends.

Now you've drawn the hook. Great plot you've cooked up but I thought it was kind of explained a little too fast. You have the setting, you have the approach, and you know how to build up suspense and intrigue. It would be a good idea to just slow down and provide more description for the setting, scenery, areas, and characters. It'll make your story that much better by adding in atmospheric detail and information on what's happening around the main cast.

Other than that, you've drawn a compelling web that leaves a lot of threads begging to be resolved. So far, you've made a good decision to up the stakes to the point of world destruction...

...now the how and why...that will be interesting.

Love virtual reality material like this. One of the better start-ups I've read on this site. This story has a lot of potential in the same way others of its kin has.

So far: You write action scenes very well. The works of the game are well-described and provide for suspenseful encounters. The future world you've set up is well-versed with its skyscrapers and floating crafts too. I think you could delve deeper into the future world outside of the game but then again that defeats the motif you've set up...

It's a little too late for this advice but the character department needs a little fine-tuning. The three names of the main guys are kind of similiar-not good for differentiating. I'll wait and see in future chapters but information on their lives and relationships would be good too-well rounded characters, I think, will add a great dimension to a story taking place in virtual cyberspace to create a great sense of realism inside the fictional world.

Anyway, this is still a great concept among the likes of .hack so keep it running. I'd love to see this finished. I take it the story and setting is anime-esque due to the main character having blue hair...off-putting but alright I guess.

Good start so far.

Your a good writer and this chapter was a good enough length for me to read. I enjoyed the tension and actions among the characters.

Keep going and I look forward to more in the future.

~Rayne~

yesh! gotta agree with the people how told you that. awesome fight and scary cliffie. don't think you could have made it more intense if you tried.

AH, i want the next chapter!

Hiyas~! Long time no see! How is it goin'? _ Sorry I couldn't RR 'til now. _""

So, onto the fighting and action, right? o/ Must . . . pay . . . attention. O.o You're my model for fight scenes, y'know. _- I haven't found anyone that can write them as good as you. o/ Yays~!

It seems like the story is moving forward, quickly. _ *glance, glance* Though it didnt' go far, it's still important. o/

wow, can i have a piece of your imagination?

dude, this is seriously really good. i dont know if you have, but have you read the book Epic? its a video game/reality world thing that i think you would really like.

anyway, sorry, your writing style is really good. if i had to critique anything, it'd be with the technicals. also, background, we're in the fifth chapter and we dont really know much about Vann's, Adan's, or Rallen's past or why they're friends, stuff like that. if you have a plan going, then ignore that but i think this story would definitely benefit from that. it'd make us relate to the characters more, you know?

so...i can't wait for the next chapter! keep 'em coming!

Thank Heavenfell for me too~! o/

Hmm . . . This chapter shows how the group works together, and a bit more detail on how they all fight together . . . And, of course, reveal some more secrets. _ And, we shouldn't forget the cliffhanger right at the end too~! o/ Adan seems to be my fav character for me. :P

The improvements you made on the battle scenes were great! They sound more gruesome and painful now! I'm really liking the chemistry aswell, especially Rallen. I love that kid.

I honestly don't mind your mistakes, it's better actually, because if you didn't have any, its harder for me to think of suggestions, etc.

I love this story so far; it was fun to read.

I got a very secure vivid image in my head as I read this. Well done!