|Reviews for Everybody Who's Anybody Has Fangs|
| M Brown chapter 2 . 4/18/2010
You need more detail. I can't quite picture what is going on. You give minor details like the fact that Karen and her mother, Amanda, are blond, but what else? Is their hair short? Long? Wavy? Curly or straight?
The corridor avenues sound bleak, but I can't see it in my head. Make the reader see what you see. Instead of putting into one sentence that the corridor avenues were crowded, cold, and dimly lit, tell us in separate sentences. How dim are the lights? Is it a cold light or warm? How crowded? Were people lining the walls only or could Karen barely get through? So it's cold. Could Karen see her breath as it came out in a steam from her between her pale, frozen lips? Try that kind of detail. Write down everything you see in your mind to be able to show the reader and paint a picture. Make them see a film.
| akasha2013 chapter 14 . 4/11/2010
OMG i love this storu it is amazing! pleez write more pleez pleez pleez :( i really want to kno wut happens to Karen and Dave and Amanda... do they get their fangs on? more im begging for more!
| KRHolbrook chapter 1 . 3/18/2010
Not bad of a start to what seems like an intriguing story. However, if you don't mind me doing so, I'd like to put up a little bit of a critique to point out things that you need some help with.
- First off, I'd like to point out (as you should know) that a lot of this chapter is based on the characters talking at the end. I feel like the talking about it is not enough. Try to put in descriptions.
Such as with what happened to the Lot character after he came back. Don't have them simply state what happened. Go into a narration of that day. How did the wife turn into a pillar of salt? What's that exactly mean? Did she turn her head to look over her shoulder and -poof- nothing more than salt?
And why did all that happen. We, as readers, need details to feed our brain with, otherwise novels would give us nothing more than "huh?" and "why?"s.
- Next: Vampirania.
Ouch. Come on now, make up a completely different name here. It's much too blatantly obvious what this place has as residents. If I were to read this in a book, I'd roll my eyes and set it back on the shelf. Just because the place has vampires, doesn't mean the name of it has to be a big neon sign stating it.
Unless, of course, the vampires are full of themselves and named that place as such for that particular reason.
- The island City of Manhattan was a single building, . . .
I'm confused on multiple different levels here. Here's a few questions that popped into my head, one after another, as I read this.
Is "City of Manhattan" the name of the island itself? Did you mean that "Manhattan" has an island city in it and accidentally capitalize the "C" on "City"? A single building; what? How can an island be a single building? How can a CITY be a single building?
A lot of confusion, as you can see. This is one of the main reasons I've never been into sci-fi. Poses too many questions for me.
- . . . 12 miles long, 3 miles wide and 20 levels high.
When the number you're using is less than 101, you should spell it out (unless it's the date, time, a percentage, at the beginning of a sentence, etc.).
12 miles twelve miles
3 miles three miles
20 levels 2,0 levels
Another thing. I believe there needs to be a comma preceding "and".
- The island city of Manhattan was a twelve-mile long, three-mile wide, and 2,0 level-high building.
Still poses the same questions; I simply tried a different approach on how you could write it.
- A ration of three nutrition cakes a day was allocated for each citizen, but there was never enough for everyone.
I'm not sure if you need "a ration of" or not. To me, it could go either way I suppose. The first "was" should be changed to "were". Might want to also switch the first "for" to "to". Ah, change the second "was" to "were" as well. I'd omit "for everyone".
- Three nutrition cakes a day were allocated to each citizen, but there were never enough.
Hm, still a little off to me. Maybe try a different approach to the section after the comma?
- Famine, starvation and disease were perpetual threats.
I'd get rid of the "were" and change the sentence to something along the lines of below:
- Famine, starvation and disease provided daily threats.
I'm gonna go ahead and stop there. This is a great story other than the fact it needs touching up. If you'd like any more help and such, my forum is always accepting newcomer writers. :)
Thanks for sharing!
| Spidey3000 chapter 3 . 3/12/2010
Heh, sweat revenge.
Nice story; while it's far from perfect, I like the characters you've created, and look forward to reading more of it.