|Reviews for Temple Dancer|
| Narq chapter 5 . 4/3/2010
URGH! BEAT HIM UP!
ahem, sorry. I'm being civil again. :sits down and puts my hands on my knees:
(and what a useless review!)
| Michael Howard chapter 4 . 3/30/2010
Serrae is a very conflicted young woman these days, isn't she? She has many happy memories of her times with Timo but just doesn't know at this point if he actually is her 'forever' man.
Well, if she wants my opinion...
Don't let him - or push him - away!
| Narq chapter 4 . 3/26/2010
Again, a lovely chapter! I so love the way you add in bits of roman signs so there is this ancient rome feel everywhere :D :sigh: storygoodness
One thing, and I'm being extremely nicky picky:
"Aggi's smiling face infected hers." - infected has a negative connatation? Maybe? But as I said, I'm being so picky.
| Michael Howard chapter 3 . 3/23/2010
"She had travelled just as far as him, and further than Hagne had ever dreamed."
Nice bit of continuity there. Regardless of what happens in this story, Serrae and Timo have already seen more of the Ancient World than nearly all of their fellow Athenians.
"Serrae struggled with Niko, hefting him about, trying to find a position where he didn't feel like an awkward statue in her rams."
In her ARMS (unless this has suddenly become a story about naval combat 8-)
"The cool of the morning was fast being obliterated by the suns piercing rays."
Sun is missing the possessive apostrophe.
Probably a good idea not to specify what material the notes being passed about in this story are written on. Paper is out of the question, of course, and even parchment doesn't come along until the Second Century B. C. Thectes was apparently using papyrus here but you couldn't just whip out a stylus and an ink pot and dash off a quick message on the fly. Which means that he was devious (and self-confident) enough to write it out in advance.
Yet another strike against him in my book, er, in my scroll.
| Narq chapter 3 . 3/20/2010
I LOVEE TIMO, he's just such a good guy!
BAD Thecte! You're not going to hurt my Serrae!
| Michael Howard chapter 2 . 3/17/2010
"Her existence as a free woman necessitated the slavery of others."
Some aspects of human society never change, do they?
Serrae goes into town and makes two interesting discoveries. No clue at this point about how her conflicted feelings on marriage, and temple dancing, and a handsome stranger named Thectes will be joining together in this story, but that's okay. For now I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ride.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/15/2010
Congratulations on winning the March WCC! Woo!
Opening- I certainly like the placement of that first definition having to do with the Goddess Hestia (one reason because I know little about Greek mythology and that helps tremendously)-in fact, it's almost chilling to hear it because of what she's the Goddess of. O.O I feel the tone already starting to get a little sad almost-and I remember feeling a little skeptical after Freedom Bound, haha. This just brings me right back! And the first sentence. D: Eh. I like it because I like how fast you get right to the point and reveal that tone right away.
Characters- The highlight of characterization in this chapter for me was the large paragraph when Kailis was sort of mentioning all of Serrae's shortcomings and I like it because it offers an extra perspective, even if negative. I like how you also keep track of your character's imperfections. You certainly don't say that either characters are stark dead gorgeous or anything. You keep everything very realistic in that regard and I love that about this-it's just so plainly true, and kudos for keeping those negatives in with the positive regarding both Timo and Sarrae. I find it hard to warm up to Timo, but you don't necessarily ever say he should be an antagonistic character, which I find an interesting dynamic.
Dialogue-Your dialogue work was great, I liked it because it was realistic and never threw me off-there was constant flow. But that's not anything new, haha. I feel like, as with Freedom Bound, there's definitley a gap here of how people talked, because well, it was in Greek and it's certainly something that makes for careful dialogue techniques. I like how you take it in consideration because sometimes I can see the sentence syntax working in interesting ways-there's a flavor there ;)
Setting-So far I like how you limit the setting to small spaces, like you start with the courtyard and I like how you could incorporate that into a feeling of helplessness associated with imprisonment. When you do the switch into the memory, I like how you turn the tables on the setting and almost open up, just by mentioning how many people are around and how many other girls are there-plus the informal way that Srrae acts when waking up sort of adds to the idea of it being freer, even though she's just about to be sold as a slave-you do a very interesting play on what constitutes as real freedom as an overall theme, and you definitley let your setting mingle with it.
-Wow, way to turn the tables on the Serrae, I like the perspective of her now being a prisoner in her own home because of her freedom-that's just one big terrible catch-22.
-Ephedrismos? Awesome-love the lingo and the way you just toss it into the narrative as if I have any idea what that means, XD, keeps things so much more realistic. Thank you much for that, haha.
-Three month trail period? Is she a car? ...well yes, in a sense, XD, that's so terrible...
She had spine, but that she obeyed her mistress quickly showed she was willing enough to please, as well.
-I'd suggest omitting the "as well" at the end of the sentence, it just sounds a little flat when read aloud, like an unnecessary bit of narrative fluff.
| Narq chapter 2 . 3/13/2010
Grr... grr... I don't like that stupid Thectes! (well he's not 'stupid' he's too smart, too smart for his own good)
| Michael Howard chapter 1 . 3/10/2010
"Stephanos sighed as the he watched the girls simpering in front of him."
One word too many there? Get rid of 'the' or 'he' I think.
Well, the nine months of waiting for this sequel just flew by, didn't they? Not!
Of course I was both surprised and pleased to be mentioned by name in your author notes, but the real treat here is to finally get a second visit with these characters. Serrae seems just as feisty - and fascinating - as I recall and I eagerly await the disclosure of her 'divine' plan. Does the story title reveal that perhaps?
(BTW did you know I went to college on an ephedrismos scholarship? 8-)
| Narq chapter 1 . 3/9/2010
It seems like a long time since I've read this. And I didn't really have to beta it, coz it was so well done anyways.
I think people will really enjoy this story.
m... going to bed. My head is hurting.