|Reviews for Insatiable: 2 AM Heartbreak|
| simpleplan13 chapter 3 . 6/18/2010
I like how Rabbit here reflects back to Sparrow in the first piece and the fox kinda seems like the heartless narrator in the second one...
That first stanza, not so great. The first two lines are definitely more than one sentence. I also think you need an object after kill 'cause as it is it sounded odd. And you also say the rabbit when in the rest of the piece it's Rabbit. It also just sounded wordy or something. Maybe "Rabbit goes into shock; her heart stops"? Just eliminating the and I think sounds better.
"take the cooling bloody corpse"... takes and cooling is an odd description... why would the body be cooling?
"jaws do not pierce the Lady."... why capitalize Lady?
Really sad ending. I love the very last two lines though. The fox's thought was disturbing, but kinda funny at the same time.
| simpleplan13 chapter 2 . 6/18/2010
I don't really see how this piece connects to the one before it... I'm hoping maybe the rest of the pieces will help tie it together for me?
I also thought the repetition of shards was a bit unnecessary. I would try to find a synonym for that. And, I felt like it might be better as one long piece rather than splitting the stanzas in the middle of that phrase.
Anyway, I thought the image was an extremely powerful one. I picture the glass going through the person's system. That last line in italics was interesting and it added an interesting new layer to the meaning of the piece.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 6/18/2010
With the first two stanzas, I didn't like them both ending with down. It seemed too repetitive.
In the third stanza I felt like the first line needed a subject like it should start with She. Also, that third line seemed a bit too long for the flow. Also in that third line you switch to present tense. You continue with present tense for the rest of the piece as well. I think you should pick one tense and stick with it.
Also, the ending seemed weird. That line break in the middle of the bolded line just threw off the flow for me.
Anyway, other than those structural issues I really liked the piece. The beginning was really sweet and the ending was so sad. Very well described.
PS If you're bored check out the Review Game and/or its Review Marathon links in my profile.
| Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 7 . 5/19/2010
| Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 6 . 5/19/2010
| Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 3 . 5/19/2010
| Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 1 . 5/19/2010
| Isca chapter 7 . 5/4/2010
"With wings of midnight and sunset." Those have to be the prettiest damn wings I've ever heard of. :)
"Wings ablur." Excellent word choice here.
"I want to eat a bullet." Hah. Me too, sometimes. This is a very striking line.
I love the seashell/heart-of-stone ending; it's so Gorgon-esque.
| Isca chapter 6 . 4/27/2010
"Grieving over the death of us." I like the phrasing of this line. 'Us' works so well here.
"That song is playing on the radio." I like the relatability of this line; I think everyone has a song that reminds them of someone or a certain moment.
"I'm alone in the kitchen." I found this line so profound (as if the speaker suddenly found herself in the kitchen and had no idea how she got there; like she was lost and drifting).
"I vomit until I'm as hollow as your promises." Oh, the bitterness here is brilliant.
| Isca chapter 5 . 4/27/2010
"I set my sheets afire to rid them of your scent." If only it were that easy, you know? But somehow the 'scent' of someone still lingers even after they're gone. And even years from now, you get a 'whiff' of them once in awhile. It's strange how that works...
| Isca chapter 4 . 4/27/2010
"You will die by your own hand." This makes sense to me. I mean, even if someone else kills us, we have to 'accept' that death, don't we? And in doing so, we have a hand in 'killing' ourselves. Interesting...
"You search the sky for her eyes." Stunning.
"Pain has always been the root of my strength." Mine too. We're so alike in that regard. This line is excellent, by the way.
| Isca chapter 3 . 4/27/2010
"The fox shakes her head to kill." A vibrant image.
I love the image of the black haired, grey eyed woman; she's seems to mysterious and spiritual.
"She buries Rabbit under the willow tree." God, that a haunting image. I love it.
| Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 5 . 4/20/2010
| Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 4 . 4/20/2010
| Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 2 . 4/20/2010